Why Gayle Haggard Stayed
She tells CT why she remained married to Ted Haggard—even after he suggested that she divorce him.
Interview by Sarah Pulliam Bailey | posted 1/27/2010 10:50AM
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Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour
by Gayle Haggard
Tyndale House Publishers, July 2010
368 pp., $15.99
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What if Ted picked up some sexually transmitted disease and infected me? Gayle Haggard wondered as she brushed her teeth one morning in November 2006. Hours before, a male escort had alleged that her husband, Ted Haggard, had paid him for sex and methamphetamine. Ted subsequently resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and as lead pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs. CT online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey spoke with Gayle about her book Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour (Tyndale).
What happened after your husband told you what happened?
Initially, of course I was devastated. I didn't see it coming. When this allegation came, it was shocking to me and devastating because I realized that everything that we held dear and invested our lives in was crumbling. There were a lot of tears, as you might imagine. That first night, as I lay in bed and thought through what was happening to us, I just asked myself, "Who are you? Who are you going to be in this?" What I settled was that I do believe that God is, I believe in my husband, I believe in family, and the strength of family, and I believe in friendship.
You said that you had a good sex life. Did you have any idea that your husband had same-sex attractions?
He had told me early on that a struggle in thoughts would come up from time to time. He talked to someone about it and tried to process it, but he didn't get the help that he needed. I just thought this was a temptation. I didn't understand the power of it in his life. I thought he had dealt with it, so when it came up again, it shocked me. Our marriage was strong. I know Oprah and others took the approach that he needed to accept that this was his identity. Honestly, our identities are made up by what we believe and how we choose to live our lives. This was not the identity that he wanted or embraced for himself. He described it as incongruent to everything he believed and had built into his life.
You mentioned that there are still rumors floating around about what your husband did or didn't do. Would you like to clear that up?
Scripture does say in Ephesians 5 that we shouldn't talk about what the disobedient do in secret. This is something that my husband and I discussed thoroughly and openly with each other and with our counselor. I don't feel it needs to be discussed beyond that.
You wrote about your concern that Ted may have picked up sexually transmitted diseases and infected you. How were you able to forgive him after processing that?
It was all part of it. I had to deal with the fact that Ted had had this struggle going on and had succumbed to it. There were all kinds of implications with that. Did he pick something up and pass it on to me? Of course, that was terrible to deal with. It was painful that he put me in that vulnerable position. Forgiving him for that was part of the whole process. I had to get an understanding of what had gotten him to that place. Once I understood, then it was easier for me to forgive him for all the implications that were a part of this.
You spend a significant portion of the book explaining the way the overseers treated your family, asking you to break ties with New Life and move out of the state. How did you view the Christian community differently after what happened?
I was disappointed because I so believe in the church. I was disappointed that people started believing the worst about Ted and that we were cut off from our church, which wasn't representative of our church at all as a body. We had a family, a relational church, but others made that decision and separated us from the church. That was devastating to me. I felt that I was being ripped and ravaged not only in my relationship with my husband, but just a few days later was told that I no longer belonged at the church, so I felt that I was also being ripped and ravaged by the church, or by certain leaders. That was as devastating to me as what was going on in my marriage. I was so invested in both in our marriage and in our church. That did shake me, and it was a dark time for me as I tried to process through. But God, who is the gentle restorer, walked me through it. I haven't lost my passion for the church, but I want the church to be the church and to stop denying the power of the gospel in the lives of people.
February 2010, Vol. 54, No. 2
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