Reviews, Interviews, News, Commentaries, Excerpts, My Top 5 Books, Wilson's Bookmarks, Book AwardsWhy Gayle Haggard Stayed
Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour
Haggard, Gayle
Tyndale House Books
January 14, 2010
368 pp., $22.98
What if Ted picked up some sexually transmitted disease and infected me? Gayle Haggard wondered as she brushed her teeth one morning in November 2006. Hours before, a male escort had alleged that her husband, Ted Haggard, had paid him for sex and methamphetamine. Ted subsequently resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals and as lead pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs. CT online editor Sarah Pulliam Bailey spoke with Gayle about her book Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour (Tyndale).
What happened after your husband told you what happened?
Initially, of course I was devastated. I didn't see it coming. When this allegation came, it was shocking to me and devastating because I realized that everything that we held dear and invested our lives in was crumbling. There were a lot of tears, as you might imagine. That first night, as I lay in bed and thought through what was happening to us, I just asked myself, "Who are you? Who are you going to be in this?" What I settled was that I do believe that God is, I believe in my husband, I believe in family, and the strength of family, and I believe in friendship.
You said that you had a good sex life. Did you have any idea that your husband had same-sex attractions?
He had told me early on that a struggle in thoughts would come up from time to time. He talked to someone about it and tried to process it, but he didn't get the help that he needed. I just thought this was a temptation. I didn't understand the power of it in his life. I thought he had dealt with it, so when it came up again, it shocked me. Our marriage was strong. I know Oprah and others took the approach that he needed to accept that this was his identity. Honestly, our identities are made up by what we believe and how we choose to live our lives. This was not the identity that he wanted or embraced for himself. He described it as incongruent to everything he believed and had built into his life.
You mentioned that there are still rumors floating around about what your husband did or didn't do. Would you like to clear that up?
Scripture does say in Ephesians 5 that we shouldn't talk about what the disobedient do in secret. This is something that my husband and I discussed thoroughly and openly with each other and with our counselor. I don't feel it needs to be discussed beyond that.
You wrote about your concern that Ted may have picked up sexually transmitted diseases and infected you. How were you able to forgive him after processing that?
It was all part of it. I had to deal with the fact that Ted had had this struggle going on and had succumbed to it. There were all kinds of implications with that. Did he pick something up and pass it on to me? Of course, that was terrible to deal with. It was painful that he put me in that vulnerable position. Forgiving him for that was part of the whole process. I had to get an understanding of what had gotten him to that place. Once I understood, then it was easier for me to forgive him for all the implications that were a part of this.
You spend a significant portion of the book explaining the way the overseers treated your family, asking you to break ties with New Life and move out of the state. How did you view the Christian community differently after what happened?
I was disappointed because I so believe in the church. I was disappointed that people started believing the worst about Ted and that we were cut off from our church, which wasn't representative of our church at all as a body. We had a family, a relational church, but others made that decision and separated us from the church. That was devastating to me. I felt that I was being ripped and ravaged not only in my relationship with my husband, but just a few days later was told that I no longer belonged at the church, so I felt that I was also being ripped and ravaged by the church, or by certain leaders. That was as devastating to me as what was going on in my marriage. I was so invested in both in our marriage and in our church. That did shake me, and it was a dark time for me as I tried to process through. But God, who is the gentle restorer, walked me through it. I haven't lost my passion for the church, but I want the church to be the church and to stop denying the power of the gospel in the lives of people.
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Pilgrim Progress
MONEY drives this story form every angle. Ted, Gail, their Church, their Denomination, and their Flock. They are not going to throw this man into oblivion, obviously, because he still has the power to raise lots and lots of money. All he has to do is "confess." Check. "Promise to not be gay." Shhhhhh, don't tell any of them them he always was gay, and always will be a gay man pretending to be straight. If they understood it has nothing to do with "sinning," it is all about his natural orientation, and lying about it, then they would have to give up the plan to keep the franchise intact. All parties involved, have tacitly agreed that this is "surmountable" with enough "prayer and forgiveness," and that the Holy Ghost will bring "change." If everybody buys into this denial, they can make even more money. The losers? Truth. Gayle. Their sham marriage.
Pilgrim Progress
Where do you begin to describe this woman's denial, desperation and willingness to continue the cycle of abuse in her marriage? She is a DOORMAT, defending the status of the victim. No, Ted did not succumb to temptations. He is gay, that is his NATURAL inclination. He is not going to "straighten up" and come back to her. He is just going to fool her, use her, and lie to her again and again, until she stops the mysery and abuse she is inflicting on herself. Like any wife who finds reasons to stay in the abuse, it is now HER fault. She is not leaving a marriage, she is leaving a lie. Her turn.
Johann
Interesting how she justified staying in her marriage not on the very clear prohibition of divorce that Jesus Christ laid down in the Bible (which all Protestants ignore) but on some squishy feelings about how much energy she's already invested in a 30 year marriage, etc.
Helen
People in the New Life church could be just as shocked and even feel cheated by the pastor (and his family)...the gentle restoration is usually done by the spiritually "more mature" one to the weaker, and who could easily view the lead pastor as the weak? I'm sure they would continue to process after what they did just like Ted and Gayle...
Basil
While most would not question Gayle's commitment to Ted but I would question Ted's commitment to telling the truth. When he was interviewed by Alexandra Pelosi for the documentary 'Friends of God' he said that "Surveys say that Evangelicals have the best sex" then he proceeded to question two men who walked out of the church about their sex lives. Both no doubt lied about how perfect it was. Ted was an accomplice to this and cited no source to prove the point of this so called survey. When first confronted by the media about his meetings with the male escort and taking meth he flatly denied it. If there is anything to be gained here from his healing process it would be the ability to tell the truth.