Moms on Trial: How Judgment Became Today's Parenting Advice
It's not yet 6am, and I am ticking today's to-dos off the list. I add mayonnaise to the mental grocery list and feel life breathe hot on my neck. These past 11 years, I've given birth to five babies. Most days, the responsibilities heap like laundry and sit heavy on my chest while the sun sleeps.
Motherhood is hard work. It is a sacred calling as well. So I can appreciate Michelle Obama's recent remarks at the Democratic Convention. "My most important title is still 'mom-in-chief," declared the First Lady. I can also be made to agree with the woman who tweeted post-Convention that she longed "for the day when powerful women don't need to assure Americans that they're moms above all else."
With her claim as "Mom-in-Chief," the First Lady may have regrettably played into the hands of a society that demands performance reviews from its mothers. Although we do not agree on the standards to which we judge our public moms, it is true that we feel the presumptive imperative to do so. As discussed here on Her.meneutics, Marissa Mayer, new hired CEO of Yahoo!, was both hailed and criticized when she announced in July that her maternity leave would be a "few weeks long" and that she would "work throughout it." Ann-Marie Slaughter, with her Atlantic article, "Why Women Still Can't Have It All," inspired simultaneous fury and applause when she admitted to having made professional concessions for her family's sake. Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, mother of two, has made herself national hero—and villain—with her public entreaties for more women to fill leadership roles in the workplace. The commentary on Mayer, Slaughter, Sandberg, and Obama are only the most recent examples of how we publicly scrutinize our moms.
We've reached no truce in the Mommy Wars, which pit professional mothers against those who stay at home. But the question of appropriate work-life balance tends to obscure the more dangerous implications of the public conversation: By mounting lines of maternal self-defense, we're assuming the legitimacy of the de facto mom juries and implying that defense is itself a reasonable response.
First, the mom juries must be challenged. As Christians, we need to resist the impulse to judge. Even if we could decide on the universal criteria to which we could hold all moms—and we can't, apart from the general biblical mandate of love—we recognize that all such judgments would necessarily rely on external measurements, which God himself grants are misleading (1 Sam. 16:7). Raising children isn't raising chickens. You can count eggs, but you can't objectively measure a mother's performance. Within the church, we will agree that motherhood is sacred work, and we will want to inspire one another in our roles as mothers. However, it is to the Lord whom we must ultimately answer for our choices.
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Jennefer Woodley
The commentary on Mayer, Slaughter, Sandberg, and Obama are only the most recent examples of how we publicly scrutinize our moms.
Maren Galvin
These past 11 years, Ive given birth to five babies. Most days, the responsibilities heap like laundry and sit heavy on my chest while the sun sleeps.
Nancy Lee
For Jane: Girl, you are messed up if you are disappearing behind your chickens! ;) Now wait for the newspaper article about THAT. I very much appreciate this post. The level of scrutiny and comparing among mothers is so toxic, and Christians are not immune. So many families are dealing with difficult circumstances and hidden struggles -- I pray we can all show a little more compassion and forbearance.
JANE HINRICHS
Comparing ourselves to anyone other than Christ is a waste of time and not good for anyone. I appreciate this post. And I also appreciate Charis' comment about the Facebook profile photo thought. I often change my profile pic -- sometimes I put one of my children's pictures, sometimes it is a pic of me. Sometimes it is a picture of one of my chickens. Maybe some do this so they are invisible or because they want to appear to be selfless but I bet many just do it because it is a cute picture.
Adam Shields
Competitive parenting is a dangerous sport for all involved.
Charis
Enjoyed this! Especially the fact that you have 5 children :) We have 8 and I have often felt judged (by Christians as well as non). I think Roiphe is reading too much into FB profile photos. My first grandchild is in that spot at the moment and that did not involve any "performance" whatsoever on my part. He is also featured as his daddy's profile picture without any "disappearing from their own self-identity while their children take center stage". Perhaps people use pictures of their children/grandchildren for their FB profile pic because our children bring us happiness? http://www.publicaffairs.ubc.ca/2012/05/17/parents-are-happier-than-non-parents-new-research-suggests/
Kate
"When we belittle the role of husband within the home environment as some sort of benevolent father figure who dispenses discipline and money in equal doses but who is not expected to involve himself in the messiness of a home and family(except where he finds it convenient " That is a stereotype that isn't true of the husbands of any of the stay at home mums I know (they are all very involved with their families and children, and not just when it is convienent for them) -- and it belittles the choice of the mother who choses parenthood, and yes, home making as her career. My husband and I are in it together as well - we've just chosen to divide up the responsibilities differently than you have.
Janet
When we belittle the role of husband within the home environment as some sort of benevolent father figure who dispenses discipline and money in equal doses but who is not expected to involve himself in the messiness of a home and family (except where he finds it convenient), it is no wonder that the dilemma for women is to do more and be more, both inside and outside the home. Be the perfect mom, sexual partner, bread-winner, church-goer. Im content to simply be me: a woman who is quite satisfied with working a job I like (and bringing home a paycheck equal to my husbands), having a somewhat messy house (3 teen-agers & 1 pre-teen), negotiating dinner on a daily basis, with kids whose social/extracurricular activities far surpass my own, and having as my best friend and sexual partner a man who is happy to do the same. I firmly believe that God intends for my husband and I to be equal partners (in IT together). What could be better? God has surely blessed my life. There is no prescription for Holiness other than to Love God with all of your being and then to love your fellow (wo)man.
Tamara
Excellent article! I was reminded of the recent incident with the university professor who took her daughter to work and breastfed her during a lecture. The judgment she got from that incident just frustrated and grieved me. If she wasn't an awful mother for taking a sick baby to work, she was a wicked woman for letting it crawl on the floor (?! yeah, cuz no one else's babies crawl on possibly dirty floors), or she was unprofessional, or she was unprepared or stupid. But that woman had a no-win situation. No matter what she did, she would have been judged for it. Women, and especially mothers, face harsher criticism ALL THE TIME in this world. It's past time mothers all stood together in solidarity and supported one another, rather than pridefully judging and condemning one another for making difficult choices.
Kate
'unsoliticited advice' and 'expressing an opinion' are not the same thing. We don't live in the same sort of society that the women of the bible lived in, so the way we do things is necessarily different. (Note I said that I think children are better off with *a parent* at home. I didn't say which one.
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