(LOCALE:) The Alpha State Medical Society
(OCCASION:) Annual Banquet
Conversation overheard at table:
First Pediatrician: “Have any of the babies, delivered by that upstart obstetrician, Dr. Graham, come your way?”
Second Pediatrician: “Yes, and I’m completely puzzled as to what to do. I never saw such a conglomeration. Why, some of these babies suck their thumbs, others seem confused, and others have awfully poor feeding habits.”
1st Ped.—“I know just how you feel. What burns me up is all the publicity this man gets; and he has written a number of articles and books on obstetrics.”
2nd Ped.—“Yes, a number of the infants I have seen haven’t been inoculated against polio; in fact they have not been inoculated against any communicable disease.
1st Ped.—“One reason I haven’t any use for this fellow is that he thinks an obstetrician’s business is to deliver babies. He doesn’t carry them through to maturity.”
2nd Ped.—“And you know, he’s so busy with obstetrics that he says little about public health, and I’ve never heard him make a pronouncement on the genocide pact or the United Nations.”
1st Ped.—“It’s embarrassing to have these infants come when you don’t like either the man or his methods. At the same time many men cooperating with Dr. Graham seem to be getting a tremendous number of new patients from his clinic.”
2nd Ped. (In a low voice, glancing around the table to see if anyone is looking)—“You know, and you surely must not quote me or the Medical Society might kick me out, I have serious doubts about how babies are born. Or, whether they are born at all. I have some specimens in my office (pickled in formalin) and as I look at those jars sometimes I wonder where they really came from and what they really are.”
1st Ped. (Also with a furtive look)—“I am glad to hear you say that, because I have come to reject the entire idea of babies being born. I believe they come into existence by a confusion of educational ectoplasm transplanted to a conglomeration of pseudo-scientific astigmatism. It is so utterly naive to hold the archaic view that they are born into the world as babes.”
Internist: “Excuse me boys but my hearing aid is so acute I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation. I am professor of dialectic medicine down at Miasma Medical College. I’m intrigued by your views because they’re mine too. The basic problem is that man has lost his depth perception and has emerged through the back door of theoretical spatial orbitization. The plain fact is that we don’t know where we came from, where we are, or where we are going.”
1st and 2nd Ped. (In unison)—“You fascinate us with the profundity of your group hallucinations.”
Internist: “Be sure you keep this quiet. So far only a few of us hold this advanced hypothesis. The man in the street might not understand and if the trustees of my school heard it they might become restive and ask some embarrassing questions.”
1st and 2nd Ped.—“We’re all in the same boat. Our patients would not understand either. In fact we do not understand ourselves. As for these infants “delivered” by Dr. Graham—let them die! But wait a minute; we don’t believe they were born in the first place … Wouldn’t it be nice if we really knew what we do believe?”
(Locale🙂 The City-Wide Ministerial Council
(Occasion🙂 Monthly Meeting—Topic: “How to make the Far-Country more pleasant for the Prodigal”
Conversation overheard in cloakroom:
First Minister: “Have you had any of these people come to you from the Billy Graham Crusade?”
Second Minister: “Yes, several, and I must say that I resent them. I never saw such a conglomeration. I talked to two who were utterly confused; they even asked me how to study the Bible.”
1st Min.—“I had the same experience. What burns me up is the publicity this man gets. And he has written several books and a number of articles on how to win men to Christ.”
2nd Min.—“It exasperates me because he spends so much time talking about ‘sin’ and being ‘born again.’ Doesn’t he know that sin is merely an emotional reaction to the adverse conditions and circumstances of life? He should certainly be aware of that fact.”
1st Min.—“I know, I know. And I get burned up because he seems to think the social order can only be changed when men’s hearts are changed. Why doesn’t he spend more time attacking the great social problems of our day?”
2nd Min.—“One of my parishioners embarrassed me the other day by suggesting that it is the place of us ministers to take these people and lead them on in the Christian life. Why doesn’t Graham send them to us as mature Christians?”
1st Min. (In a low voice and with a hasty glance around)—“You know, and I don’t want to be quoted because some wouldn’t understand, I just don’t have any truck with this talk about being ‘born again.’ A lot of people in my church certainly haven’t been born again, and I dislike archaic and childish ideas.”
2nd Min.—“I surely am glad to hear you say that. I’ve felt that way a long time. The way to make Christians is to tell them about the divine spark within them, challenge them to follow the example of the carpenter of Galilee and be good.”
1st Min.—“Education is the secret. Get a good program started. Be careful about the Bible too. I’ve known people to go off their rockers reading the Bible.”
2nd Min.—“We are so busy in our church we have no time to talk about sin and judgment. We’ve something more challenging to talk about.”
1st Min.—“Unfortunately you and I are in the minority now. But a lot of people like to hear us, it makes them feel good.”
Professor: “Gentlemen, I was not eavesdropping but I am deaf and I have been reading your lips. Congratulations! I am professor of Obscure Philosophy at Humanist Divinity School. You must have been reading my books for you express my thoughts so clearly. I am glad you have freed yourselves from a theology which talks of sin and of God’s holiness and justice. God is love and if we do our best we can leave the rest to him.”
1st and 2nd Min.—“We are truly glad to meet you. Your depth of perception, your scholarship, your reasoning, your philosophy of life have fascinated us.”
Professor: “I appreciate your attitude. But let me advise you to hold these views in confidence until more people hold them too. The other day I heard a crack-pot layman say the greatest hoax in America is to be found in those ministers who do not believe the Gospel they are supposed to minister. Such ideas are dangerous and those holding them should be silenced. If you cannot silence them make them look ridiculous.”
1st and 2nd Min.—“Just what shall we do with any who come to us from Graham’s Crusade? They have been deluded into thinking they have had some sort of religious experience. But we just don’t believe they have been ‘born again’ because we do not believe in any such thing. Our idea is just to let them alone.”
Professor: “Your deductions and conclusions are correct. You have the philosophical approach, based on your predetermined prejudice and that is based on your rejection of childish notions. I am happy to meet such enlightened men.”
1st and 2nd Min.—“Ah, what a relief. Just let them die! Wait a minute, they never were born in the first place. Or, were they? We wish we knew.”
