Long before Mrs. John Wesley dragged her husband around the house by his hair, Christian pastors had found that among the most difficult persons in the world to live with were their own wives. No other area of human endeavor so dramatically and quickly brings to the attention of the pastor his own humanity and sinfulness as his relationship with his wife. The minister who is successful at helping other people solve problems of relations with others may still fail to have a happy and warm relationship with his own wife.
Why is it hard for pastors and their wives to live together peaceably? Several reasons suggest themselves.
First, the pastor is likely to have a strong, aggressive personality. He is more used to creating and promoting ideas and programs than to accepting and implementing the ideas of others.
Second, the pastor is deeply committed to his work and gives it his best time and energy. Other responsibilities tend to take second, third, or even fourth place in his scheme of priorities.
Third, the pastor is constantly giving his attention and energy to others. He may come to use his home as a refuge from the demands of people, perhaps as an opportunity to work with things, thus giving himself an emotional rest from the pressures of relationships. In fact, he may separate his work from his home life to the point that he refuses to discuss the work at home. His wife may thus infer that he thinks she could not comprehend his problems and ideas or at least would be unable to make any valuable response. This reduces her sense of worth and contribution to the pastoral ministry.
Fourth, the pastor’s time is not his own, or at least it seems that way. He is often gone from home, and his income hardly permits him to offer his family the compensation of conveniences that make family living easier. For example, most pastors’ wives would like to have two cars in the family; because the pastor constantly needs a car, his wife stays home, begs a ride from others, or feels guilty for inconveniencing him. Few men who are gone from their homes so much return with so little.
Fifth, the pastor and his family live a fishbowl existence in which the normal problems of family life tend to be magnified. Tensions may develop between husband and wife over the way to handle these problems, especially if the husband feels that if he is to be an effective pastor his family must be a model of Christian living.
Sixth, the pastor’s wife has no pastor besides her husband. But she may find it difficult to have confidence in his counsel, for she receives it as prejudiced by the fact that as a counselor he sees faults in other people, not in himself.
Seventh, tension may arise because the pastor’s wife observes his unending patience with others but seeks in vain for the same patience in his dealings with those in his own home. A pastor who spends an hour patiently listening to someone’s problems may curtly tell his wife a short time later that he doesn’t see why she can’t work out the “petty” problem of telling Johnny why he shouldn’t join the Boy Scouts this year.
Eighth, the pastor spends a good deal of time with couples who are having problems, and his wife may sometimes fear that the women he counsels are transfering their affection to him. Unless he takes ample measures to reassure her, he leaves room for wonder, doubt, and perhaps even suspicion as to his thoughts in such situations.
Ninth, the pastor is in the spotlight most of the time. He receives spiritual, emotional, and material rewards as he carries out his work. His sense of fulfillment may be much greater than his wife’s because of his firsthand experience in witnessing the blessing of God and the results of his labors. If she receives a full diet of the problems, the criticisms, the doubts, and the unresolved questions, she may feel unhappy and frustrated because she seems unable to do anything.
Tenth, men who make good pastors usually choose to marry women with strong and sensitive personalities, with conviction and enthusiasm. Unless continual effort is made to build bridges between these two strong personalities, a great gulf may develop. Also, the wife may feel inferior because she does not consider herself competent in the areas of doctrine, public speaking, and social exchange. This is tragic. No man should let this happen to his wife.
Developing a strong, healthy relationship between the minister and his wife must be seen as a continuing project. There are no laws or rules to follow. Yet the degree of success in this is a good indication of how effective the pastor can be as a servant of Christ. The starting point is mutual agreement; both husband and wife must desire and agree to develop a happy working relationship, regardless of the sacrifice required.
Pastors know they must have a clear sense of their aims and goals so they can make judgments about the right use of time, talents, and treasure. The same is true in a husband-wife relationship. Both should agree where they want to go, what they want to do, and how they want to get there. The pastor has his responsibilities and his wife hers; each understands the other’s. The wife shares in the work of the church, both by helping her husband to be free to help others and by rendering services of her own in the church and community. It is easy to see how her sense of participation may weaken when she has to keep the family on her own for a week or ten days at a time while her husband is away in other church work. A church that appreciates its pastor should make it possible for him to compensate his family in special ways because of the large amounts of time he must spend away from them.
Whenever two people live and work together, there must be continuous communication between them. There should always be a climate in which opinions can be exchanged without either feeling threatened by the other.
How can communication channels between pastor and wife be kept open? Here are a few suggestions.
1. Have regular times for discussion and sharing, carried out on schedule as nearly as possible.
2. Husband and wife should pray for each other both in the presence and in the absence of the rest of the family. They will find that so long as they can pray openly and honestly together they can remain sensitive to each other’s feelings and attitudes.
3. Husband and wife should read and discuss books together. This helps them to respect each other’s ideas and feelings. Perhaps the husband excels in intellectual insight; this may well be sweetened by the warmth and compassion of his wife.
4. A good stimulant to communication is for the wife to evaluate her husband’s sermon. The degree to which she remains constructive as well as honest will determine the usefulness of this kind of exchange. Such discussion helps the pastor’s wife become more informed and thus more confident in the areas of theology and human relations.
5. Periodically, the pastor and his wife should take time for little trips together. This may be for a few hours during the day or evening, or even for a couple of days. This allows them to give undivided attention to each other—something they can seldom do. It is also helpful for several pastors and their wives to get together and in the fellowship of Christ share their hopes, dreams, disappointments, and problems. It is an unforgettable experience to find that other couples who are also dedicated to the work of Christ have to work to make adjustments in their married lives. And it is informative to see how they are working out their differences.
6. So far as is possible, the pastor should share with his wife the events of the day and seek to relate them to the goals the two of them have set for their ministry together. This keeps the wife informed about the successes, failures, aspirations, and challenges that her husband is living with. The wife should also be free to share her experiences in the home and in the church and community.
7. Periodically, the pastor and his wife should review what has happened in the past. This can help them to see where they have allowed Christ to work in their lives and where they must strive to let him work in the future. This assumes of course, that both are committed Christians who desire to serve their Lord in thankful service. Together they should rededicate their lives, their home, and their ministry to God in Christ so that the natural pressures of life and human nature will not erode the sensitivity to God’s will that they both need to be good Christian ministers.
8. Reassurance of love for each other must be both spoken and shown. Confidence in each other as husband and wife can cover a multitude of shortcomings.
Husband and wife should inspire each other so that their ministry and life together becomes not a duel but a duet. They must be careful not to let walls begin to build up between them, either by permission or by neglect.
One pastor reported how a defensive wall rose between his wife and him that in time caused a complete breakdown of communication. For days they said nothing to each other. After several days of this foretaste of hell, the pastor got on his knees and prayed for guidance. He knelt to learn how to straighten out his wife and got up with the conviction that he had much confessing to do. And so he wrote a letter to his wife, admitting his own failures, asking and offering forgiveness, and assuring her of his love. She read the letter and they wept together in confession and cleansing. His observation was that it was not until the Lord could show him his own pride that He could begin the reconciliation they both desired.
The call of the pastor is one of the singular calls of God. Yet the pastor is not God’s angel. And while marriages may be made in heaven, they must be lived on earth. Let the husband and wife aspire to live and serve together in a way that will merit those gentle words of commendation, “Well done, good and faithful servants.… Enter into the joy of your master.”
