McBURNEY ON CONFLICT RESOLUTION

In trying to resolve conflict we usually take easy ways out.

First, we avoid it. Running from it, pouting about it, and pretending it’s not really happening seem initially more inviting than actually facing the conflict.

If avoidance doesn’t work we try intimidation. We threaten, cry, create power blocks, and quote Scripture .

Sometimes we can’t successfully intimidate, so we manipulate. This involves enticement, bribery, and withholding everything from sex to personal influence.

Our final solution is usually deflection. Instead of focusing on the real issue, we deflect off it to issues that are safer, more urgent, and more comfortable.

None of these work.

We should, instead, try to first establish a solid foundation for conflict resolution in each situation. Ask these questions: “Why do we need to resolve this? Do our mutual best interests require that we resolve this? Is resolving this a part of our Christian commitment, or a part of our marriage vows?” “I vowed in our marriage to love and be faithful to you. I want to resolve any conflict that comes between us based on that commitment.”

Then, identify the real issues. Are unfulfilled expectations causing the conflict? Is it a matter of who has the power or who’s going to have the last word? Is it a problem of trust?

Once you know the issue, identify feelings and share them. “You know, I’ve really felt neglected. I’ve been feeling angry. I’ve been feeling awfully lonely.” Because it’s difficult to share feelings, incorporate them with other experiences: “I feel like I did on our vacation when you went out without telling me, and I got very upset.”

Listen attentively to the other person. This requires practice because usually we’re busy preparing our defense instead of listening. If we’re not interested in hearing their side, we’re not interested in resolving the conflict; we merely want to prove we are right and they are wrong. We must learn to listen in a non-defensive way.

Be ready to concede. The other person is hurt by you. Even though you didn’t deliberately hurt him, you must accept that the person is experiencing pain that came from your side of the relationship. If you’re really concerned, you’ll be truly: sorry. Whether the cause of the conflict is moral failure or simply insensitivity, face up to it, confess it, and ask forgiveness.

Be forgiving. Often the reason we don’t want to forgive is because by withholding forgiveness, we feel a sense of superiority. This is pride and self-righteousness, and it can be cut away by forgiving.

Finally, learn how to compromise. By the time you’ve gone through the preceding steps, you should be ready to negotiate things that are important to you and the other person.