Recently, i overheard two members of a local congregation discussing a “church” wedding. One, distressed by the poor attendance of “our” people, asked, “How did Milton and Delores [parents of the bride] feel?” The other replied, “What could they expect? We gave the bride a shower … and she hasn’t been in church in three years except for one Christmas Sunday!” Too often “church” wedding is synonymous with “Christian” wedding. But anyone can have a church wedding; many congregations or ministers will oblige for a fee. A Christian wedding, however, is for two Christians who wish to enter into a covenant relationship.
A Christian wedding necessitates premarital counseling. In research at the University of Oklahoma, Justine Knight discovered in her sample of divorced church members that two-thirds (66 percent) had not had premarital counseling. Of those who had counseling, 11 percent reported it “of no value,” 11 percent questioned the value, and only 11 percent valued the experience.
We plan for vacations, for major purchases, for careers, and for retirement. Surely two Christians who will spend their lives together should plan for the marriage and not just the wedding.
Some approaching marriages will require more than a perfunctory one-hour session with the parties: the young, those from broken homes, the emotionally unstable, those with several previous or “short” engagements. Submerged factors may threaten the marriage; hidden agendas and expectations need to be recognized and discussed. Although issues may not be fully resolved before the ceremony, identifying them is a positive step toward marital success.
What is the policy or procedure in your church in counseling those who wish to be married? Does it accommodate marginal attenders who want the trappings of the church wedding without the spiritual commitment?
Knight identified several factors that contributed to the divorce rate: (1) financial immaturity; (2) emotional immaturity; and (3) spiritual immaturity. But a person can be “spiritual” and financially or emotionally immature.
What shall we say to two individuals who want to begin on an economic level that has taken their parents 25 years to attain? How do young couples develop the discipline necessary to use plastic money (credit) responsibly?
Most congregations assign counseling responsibility to the pastor, who marries as a church official and state representative. The congregation has largely been relegated to spectator status.
Where can we begin?
1. Weddings, particularly those involving children as flower girls or ring bearers, provide an excellent opportunity to teach the significance of marriage and weddings. We need to explain the wedding traditions just as we explain those of the Christmas season. This focus will naturally defuse the myth that equates premarital counseling with a much narrower preceremonial counseling. Too often what we term premarital is more concerned with “who stands where and when” and other ceremonial protocol than with the emergence of a new home!
2. Group counseling during junior high years will provide an opportunity for exposure to preparation for marriage. It is too late to begin instruction in senior high. There should be as much preparation for this “trip down the aisle” as for the other moments at the church altar.
3. Small group activities provide a setting particularly for parents involved in the decision making. This is especially valuable when two families in the church are “merged.” The church must help implement Genesis 1:26, and encourage brides and grooms to see parents in a biblical perspective.
Premarital counseling must be more than a one-shot process or the recommending of good books. It cannot be taken for granted that the counselees will read “chapter 6” at home—whatever the subject. If the church’s commitment in premarital counseling is taken seriously, the couple and their families will accept the instruction as valuable and worth priority of time. But most pastors feel pressure to accommodate:
“If I don’t marry them, someone else will …”
“If I marry them I can keep my foot in the door …”
“I’m not a counselor …”
“They will be sexually active if I don’t marry them …”
Can the church legitimize sexual behavior? Can we provide “shotgun” marriages for couples living together?
Every pastor who assumes the responsibility of performing the ceremony must be equally committed to the responsibility for counseling those he marries. We are either creating homes and undergirding the future of the church, or merely tipping our hats at society. As Christians we have every right to enjoy weddings—after we have done our best to establish the home on a solid foundation.
Church governing bodies need not become bogged down establishing rules—such as “four one-hour sessions or no wedding!” But the congregation must support the pastor who has developed a reasonable policy and consistently follows it.
Counseling is an acute need in marriages of students in Christian colleges. Too easily we assume they will receive counseling at college in a “marriage and family” course (which may be more sociological than practical) or through their advisers. The college assumes the local church will provide it. When hundreds of miles separate the student(s) and the minister who will perform the ceremony, the counseling may be postponed.
The church has given some guidance in the area of second marriages, but said little about first ceremonies. As long as there were no biblical objections, we have had a laissez-faire approach. But the church wedding—in sanctuary or chapel, performed by the minister—is a significant religious moment, an endorsement. Tragically, most know more about getting married than being married.
Although involved in single-adult ministry, I am interested in’ the establishment of solid Christian homes that become witnesses to a world in which lifetime marriage to one mate is viewed skeptically. Counseling provides a stronger possibility that my friends will not return as single-agains, scarred by the trauma of divorce.
Sometimes a couple may need more time. Then, the church must delay a ceremony and, in love, say “no.” Some will react angrily. In time, with counseling, the difficulty may work out, enabling the church to say an enthusiastic “Amen!” to their marriage. Such a decision is always preferable to hoping “it will work out some way.”
We do not take salvation or acceptance into church membership lightly. We must therefore implement premarital counseling rather than mere preceremonial counseling.
HAROLD IVAN SMITH1Mr. Smith is general director of single adult ministries for the Church of the Nazarene at its international offices in Kansas City, Missouri.
