A Survey of Ministers Wives - Christianity Today

I had just sent the children off to school; now I could relax after a hectic Sunday. The telephone rang.

“Hello, this is Mrs. Smith. May I speak to the pastor?”

“I’m sorry, he’s not here now,” I say.

“Well, can I see him today?”

“He won’t be back until this afternoon. Why don’t you call him later at the church office?”

“Well, maybe you can help me. I don’t know what I’m going to do about my son. He refuses to obey us. We tell him to do one thing and he does another. What should I do?”

I’m concerned. I’m flattered. I’m bothered. I realize it’s going to be another typical day in my life as a minister’s wife. Three phone calls later, I’m so immersed in counseling, encouraging, and listening that I forget I wanted to take time for a nap this morning.

* * *

The joy of being a pastor’s wife was a common theme in the comments I read from 166 ministers’ wives who responded to a survey sent out by LEADERSHIP journal. Fifty-four percent are under 40 years of age, and 41 percent are between the ages of 40 and 60.

An interesting breakdown shows 53 percent of the wives serve in churches with 100-500 members; 23 percent in churches with less than 100 members; 14 percent in churches of 5001,000; and 9 percent in churches over 1,000.

Respondents were fairly evenly divided among urban, suburban, and rural locations. In longevity of service, the largest group (41 percent) has been in the ministry for under 10 years; the next highest group (27 percent) for 20-29 years; and the third highest group (22 percent) for 10-19 years. Another interesting statistic is that 61 percent feel their husbands’ salaries are adequate.

Part One: The Joys

Most ministers’ wives are happy in their roles.

Ninety percent said they “always” or “often” enjoy being a pastor’s wife. In fact, 85 percent said under no circumstances would they want their husbands to change professions.

Granted, there are problems unique to the calling; but the wives said, in effect, that the problems are outweighed by the joys.

¥ “I love being a minister’s wife. I feel fulfilled in this way of life.”

¥ “I’m thirty-five years old, and am just beginning to feel and experience the reality of my role. Responsibilities of the position strain my spiritual life, but the struggles build character. Therefore, I must view my position/role as God’s instrument for building me and helping me to build others.”

¥ “I feel privileged to be a pastor’s wife, and I enjoy the consideration I receive. Everywhere I’ve worked, my presence as the minister’s wife has caused people to think of their spiritual condition. Some have taken positive steps toward the Lord. I’ve had an influence with parishioners that I never would have had as a lay person.”

Sixty-five percent of the respondents feel fairly well equipped to be effective as pastors’ wives. Nearly 37 percent are college graduates. The experiences gained in previous education or previous jobs, regardless of the chosen field of study, seemed to prepare many wives for dealing with people.

¥ “When I was in nursing training, I met a young divorced woman who was supporting herself and a son while trying to get some training along the way. She appeared to be a very hard person, and somewhat wild in her lifestyle; but as I began to know her better, I discovered a lonely, vulnerable person. I was able to minister to her, and I learned not to judge people by first impressions. That’s helped me in dealing with church people.”

Similar comments suggest that we wives feel our most important skills are those used in dealing with and understanding people. A further 32 percent consider their training as teachers most important. They see the role as one of positively relating to people.

The most rewarding aspect of being a pastor’s wife, said 43 percent, is “Seeing people grow in Christ.”

¥ “People share burdens and problems with us, problems they would not share with anyone else. My husband and I are able to pray for them, counsel them, and see God work miracles in their lives.”

The second most rewarding aspect of being a pastor’s wife (26 percent) was stated as “Teamwork with my husband.”

¥ “It’s really fun for me to support him in the worship service, to sit there and know he knows I’m appreciating what he’s saying from the pulpit. By responding to him this way, he feels uplifted and appreciative of my presence. I actually have a ministry to him from the pew.”

¥ “I used to feel it was important for me to be in the church service on Sunday morning because people expected it, the visitors expected it, or perhaps because there would be someone to counsel after the service. I still feel it’s essential for me to be in the services, but I’ve changed my reasons why. I’m there now solely to support my husband and to worship God. I very seldom criticize my husband’s sermon or comments. If he asks, I will give my opinion, but always in a loving way. If I disagree with him on a portion of Scripture, I never accuse him of being wrong, but I discuss it with him, objectively presenting my thoughts on the particular subject.”

¥ “I try to encourage my husband, not only with my presence, but also verbally. At times he has left the pulpit feeling as though he has delivered the worst sermon of his life. I believe he has a special gift in preaching, and I can count on one hand the number of times he’s preached a bad sermon. I tell him this, and always remind him how the people love and respect him. You can find encouraging things to say in most circumstances, and you should do so.”

This sense of shared ministry came through in answer to a related question: “What is the most important role of a pastor’s wife?” Fifty-eight percent listed “support and encouragement of my husband” as the most important role. Phrases such as “our people,” and “we share the ministry together” show a oneness of spirit uniquely expressed by these wives.

¥ “I’m much more involved in my husband’s work than I would be in any other type of job; I go with him to his job. Sundays I go with him to work, and I do things with him, which, if he were working somewhere else I wouldn’t be able to do. The fact that I’m with him on part of the job ensures that I’ll be more involved in the ministry.”

¥ “When you share your husband’s ministry on the front lines, you lead people to the love of Christ. In this way I see that this is a calling from God, not just a job.”

¥ “It’s given me a chance to grow, mature, learn, love, share in lives, and be involved in a wide range of experiences. I have enjoyed it to the fullest.”

¥ “I feel a unique sense of worth when my husband comes to me for insight into women; he respects my advice. Many times he has commented, ‘I never knew women felt that way.’ Once after asking my opinion about a comment of a particular woman he was counseling, he thanked me, and said my suggestions had made a noticeable difference in the results of the counseling session.”

Ninety-four percent said their children “never” or “seldom” complain about being “PK’s” (preachers’ kids). There were comments scattered through the responses that said raising children was a rewarding part of the ministry.

¥ “We have had people in our home whom other| children have never had the benefit of knowing: African pastors, foreign missionaries, | evangelists, other preachers. Our kids have ] been able to talk to them, play games with| them, and find out more about the world and what makes people tick.”

¥ “Our children have seen areas of the country and met new people and different cultures they never would have had the opportunity to know if they were not PK’s. My youngest son wants to be an engineer; most kids don’t even know what that is. When we lived in California, he was around parishioners who worked on Lear jets.” |

¥ “My daughter spent two summers when she was a teen-ager with the youth mission group. They saw 200 children won to Christ. The excitement and satisfaction of watching her growing relationship with God is worth any disadvantage that might come with being in the ministry.

Part Two: The Struggle

Many find one end result of the ministry is intense loneliness.

Despite the overall positive tone of the survey, some common areas of conflict and struggle did surface; interestingly, they were not the stereotyped problems of low salary and living in a parsonage.

Many felt the pressure of being a jack-of-all-trades. In my own experience as a minister’s wife, I’ve found myself constantly going back to the common, perhaps even hackneyed quote, “All the world’s a stage . . . and one man in his time plays: many parts.” In reality, ministers’ wives have many roles-as do most wives-wife, mother, friend, counselor. But for us it creates priority problems.

The question was asked, “If you could change anything about being a pastor’s wife, what would it 4 be?” A surprising 21 percent said they would not change anything; they are happy as they are. But others offered many areas they would like to see changed.

¥ 21 percent would like to have more privacy; to be able to separate their personal lives from the ministry; and to be able to spend more time with husband/family.

¥ 19 percent would like to be thought of as an individual rather than always referred to as “the pastor’s wife”; would like to be considered human rather than having to be perfect; and would like to be free of the stereotyped expectations of the congregation.

¥ 13 percent longed for freedom to express their true talents in jobs of their own choosing at church.

The single biggest problem facing pastors’ wives is that of friendship. Fifty-six percent said they do not have close friends in the church. For some (28 percent), this is intentional.

¥ “A couple in the church we were at before we went into the ministry became very involved with their pastor and his wife. They would go out every Saturday together. They were so close as to exclude and neglect others in the church. It caused much jealousy and resentment. Eventually the problem became so intense it caused the pastor and his wife to leave the church. Seeing this happen made me be very cautious in forming friendships in our own church.”

¥ “Sometimes I find it difficult not to form friendships, especially when certain parishioners tend to get closer to you than others do and you seem to relate to them better. But there have been many times when I’ve turned down invitations to go out for fear of alienating others in the church.”

Some wives talked about being manipulated by those with whom they had made friends.

¥ “We’d been at our church for eighteen years and had become very close to one family. We went on vacations together, had children the same ages, and enjoyed the same activities. For a time, everything was all right. But then word got back to us that the wife was using our friendship for certain things and talking about it to other people. I felt our private life was being spread all over. We talked together about it many times, but the more we talked, the more it caused hurt. The woman was a domineering person, and began telling me what I should or should not do as a pastor’s wife. It got to the point where she would get very upset if we did anything without telling her about it first.”

In the survey, 21 percent mentioned the lack of personal privacy and the fear that personal confidences would be betrayed.

¥ “Not long after we had come to the church, I formed a great friendship. Something inside me said not to get too close, but I was hungry for a close friend, so I did anyway. We talked a lot; she knew when someone in the church offended me, and she knew my personal feelings about the church. Later, we had a split in the church, and she went with the other side. She betrayed all my confidences. Only if you experience this personally can you imagine the pain it brings.”

The husband’s busy work schedule is viewed by 25 percent of the wives as another source of conflict.

¥ “My husband is a caring person. He shows this to his family and to me; but often his ministry means making repeated decisions that squeeze out family time. This hurts. When he works with no days off, and then we might have an evening or two of no church work, I somehow feel angry that I am supposed to be so delighted with his time off.”

¥ “At one time early in our ministry, my husband became so involved in his work that he put his family second. He would be out every night visiting or at meetings-all the obligations that befall a pastor. I was pregnant with our third child and having asthmatic problems as well. I would see him drive by our house, and in my heart I screamed at him.”

Of course, a spinoff problem from this situation is that we sometimes feel left out of our husbands’ ministries. Louis McBurney, a psychiatrist who counsels pastors, claims this is a frequent theme he hears in his talks with pastors’ wives.

¥ “I would like our ministry to be more of a team effort. After all, I was called to full-time Christian service too. I feel I have ideas that could be helpful, but it seems too many times they just aren’t appreciated. So I end up finding my place and ministry outside the church. It’s sad!

I have hurt feelings that my ideas do not merit attention, nor are they sought by my husband. He turns away from communicating with me. Emotionally, I feel starved.”

The end result of many of these conflicts and struggles is intense loneliness. Many times we are far from our families and in a whole new culture. Seeing families and friends together, and being left out because of unfair expectations, produces lonely and sometimes resentful wives.

¥ “We pastored a church in a small town in the Midwest, far from a large city that might offer activities to occupy my time. The people were warm and friendly in church, but no one seemed to want to be close friends. They seemed too involved in their own families. Then I met a woman whom I became very interested in. She was friendly and tenderhearted. She always asked about me, how I was doing and how I felt. She would tell me she missed me if I was not at a service, but she never invited me to her home once. After a Wednesday night prayer meeting, I invited her over for a cup of tea while our husbands had a meeting. She appeared hesitant, but she came. During the course of the conversation, she told me outright she couldn’t be close friends with the pastor’s wife because it might offend other people. I was very hurt, to say the least, and it made me hesitant to try to be close to any other woman in the church. I didn’t want to be put down again.”

The general pain brought about because of friendship struggles often has its roots in false expectations parishioners place on the pastor’s wife. Many people immediately put up a wall as soon as they discover we’re the spouse of a “holy” man. More than 20 percent of the wives agreed with the statement: “I feel people shy away from me because I’m a pastor’s wife.”

¥ “I worked in a hospital in Indiana for three years. While I was there, a nurse returned to work after fifteen years away. I was assigned to help her become oriented again to nursing. We had some good times together. Then one day as we were working, another nurse asked a question about my husband’s ministry. The look that came over the face of the new nurse was almost comical. ‘Your husband is a minister? Oh, I had better be good now!’ Even though we still were friends, there now was a reserve in her attitude. She no longer was relaxed with me because she had some preconceived idea of the level of spirituality a minister’s wife must have.”

These false expectations inhibit us from being ourselves in all situations. We stifle feelings until we are like pressure cookers about to go out of control.

¥ “We have a woman in our church who has always been in charge of planning the work with the various fellowship dinners we have each year. I came up with several ideas for fellowship and special days in our church, and some were successful. Yet at every meeting she has something negative to say about my ideas. One day I accidentally left her name off a list concerning one of the ministries we both were involved in. She asked me about it, and I explained to her that I had erred. But all day, and even during the evening worship service, she blatantly showed her displeasure toward me. I was so tired of struggling with her pettiness and childish attitude. She had hurt my feelings so many times and even embarrassed me in front of others. But because I was the minister’s wife, I again had to stifle my feelings, until the pressure grew so intense it was turning my church life into a nightmare.”

Seventeen percent of the wives agreed that “Our family lives in a fishbowl with more expectations and increased pressures.” Unrealistic expectations demanded of preachers’ kids cause ministers’ wives to be overcautious about their children’s behavior, not to mention the pressures that fall on the children themselves.

¥ “Several times our family has talked about our life in the ministry. Once, after talking about the good times we’ve had, all the people we’ve met, and the places we’ve been to because we’re in the ministry, one of our boys made this statement: ‘I wish people wouldn’t expect us to be perfect. Mrs. Smith said I wasn’t like the previous pastor’s son at all; he was so clean and neat all the time.’ “

As ministers’ wives, we learn valuable lessons from our mistakes and the pressures, and a lot is expected of us. But many people expect instant maturity from our children, and won’t give them the chance to go through the process of growing up. When the child realizes he or she cannot maintain the expected lifestyle of perfection, scars are left.

¥ “We have a youth leader who expects more out of our teen-ager because he is a PK than the rest of the kids in our youth group. In this man’s view, our son is not allowed to experience the temptations, mistakes, or failures that the average young person goes through. He is to be ultraspiritual and mature at all times. And when he isn’t, the youth leader makes it obvious to my son, as well as those around, how he feels about it.”

Part Three: A Servant Attitude

Pastors’ wives believe their various roles carry great responsibilities .

Pearl Buck said, “To serve is beautiful, but only if it is done with joy, a whole heart, and a free mind.”

Even though we as ministers’ wives have a great responsibility to God, to our families, and to our parishioners, it can be a responsibility with freedom. We are free to be ourselves; therefore, we are free to serve with joy in spite of the minuses that do exist in ministry. We can either resist, fight, and struggle with these conflicts, or we can rest at the feet of the Lord.

The Old Testament story of Ruth has been a constant source of encouragement for me as a pastor’s wife. Even though Ruth was not married to a pastor, she did, as a child of God and as a woman, have to make a decision that would affect her entire life. Knowing she was leaving behind all that was familiar, she chose out of love and faith to go with Naomi. But her life wasn’t a piece of ordination cake from then on. Soon she was out in the fields toiling to provide for herself and Naomi. Ruth’s life was a life of ongoing servanthood. Ministers’ wives are servants too.

A majority of responses reflect a servant attitude to the question: “In what ways have your talents been of benefit to you in your role as a pastor’s wife?”

¥ 32 percent-teaching

¥ 27 percent-music ministry

¥ 22 percent-reaching out; listening to people

¥ 15 percent-making people feel comfortable

¥ 14 percent-organizing programs and activities

Less than 4 percent answered the above question by saying, “feeling fulfilled and confident.”

Sixty percent of the wives expressed the need to further their training so they can serve better. Even though there is a lack of courses, seminars, and books for ministers’ wives, two books were mentioned as being helpful: Who Is the Minister’s Wife ? by Charlotte Ross (Westminster Press), and So You’re the Pastor’s Wife by Ruth Senter (Zondervan).

Some wives offered ideas for cultivating and maintaining lives of servanthood as the pastor’s wife.

Equip Yourselves

Only 11 percent of the respondents said they wanted no additional training. Others disagreed.

¥ “We need to be equipped to handle the continual challenges and responsibilities we face each day. I’m always taking teachers’ update courses, attending classes, and expanding my interests. This gives me greater confidence in dealing with people and situations.”

Twenty-six percent wish they had more training in counseling. This need was especially acute among the younger wives with less than five years in the ministry. Of this group, 30 percent expressed a desire for help with counseling as compared with only 10 percent in the next two categories (5-20 years, and 20-plus years). Apparently experience is valuable training for counseling skills.

¥ “A lady in the church once came to me crying and very upset. She opened up to me in a way she couldn’t do my husband. She shared intimate and deep-seated hurts. I felt very uncomfortable and inadequate. I didn’t know what to say or whether even to say anything. I let her talk, mostly, and we prayed together. After awhile she left, and I still don’t know if I helped her.”

Discern and Develop Your Gifts

Regardless of how adequately trained the minister’s wife is, she will always have a difficult time fitting into her church’s ministry if she is unsure of her gifts, and is unable to communicate what these gifts are to the congregation.

¥ “God has given each of us a special gift to use in ministering to the body of Christ. But parishioners have a tendency to confine the gifts of ministers’ wives to certain categories, usually the nursery or the primary ages or the music program. This stereotype has been going on for a long time, and I think we ourselves might be the worst offenders. We let people decide what our gifts are rather than discovering them for ourselves and making them known when we come into a pastorate.”

¥”After my husband and I entered our first pastorate, I was asked to sing, play the piano, or teach young children. Since I am not musically inclined, I decided to teach beginners. I figured this class might be suited to me since I was a beginner myself. After awhile I graduated to the junior high, where I remained for six years. I loved the boys and girls, but I still felt unfulfilled. Finally, after all those years of being pushed and pulled into roles I was not particularly suited for, I discovered I had the gift of teaching young marrieds. I finally felt the satisfaction that comes when you are doing what you feel God has called you to do.”

Our first pastorate was no different. However, when my husband and I candidated for the pastorate we’re in now, I had determined to put into effect three principles for using my gifts:

1. I would be firm in my conviction to know the gifts I truly believed God had given me (Romans 12:4-8).

2. I would be willing to use my gifts where they would be needed (I Timothy 4:14).

3. I would make known immediately what I felt my gifts were (II Timothy 4:5).

Well, during our first question and answer session, I made it so clear what I would not do in the church that the people were afraid to ask me to do anything. So for the first few months I was stagnant-which was not a happy position either. I began offering my help in the areas of ministry in which my gifts were needed. Now I have developed a five-step process that has worked for me to integrate gifts into the ministry of a church:

1. Know what your gift is, but be willing to try new areas of service to exercise it.

2. At the beginning of your ministry, make it known where you feel you can serve best, always using much love, tact, and grace.

3. If you’re already in a particular ministry and want to change your area of service, then begin by talking to the person in charge of that ministry. Explain your feelings and desires regarding your gift(s).

4. Be assertive, yet in a manner seasoned with love, tact, and humility.

5. Make sure you use your true gifts; they will become more effective as you exercise them, and your purposefulness and fulfillment will increase.

Be Open to Others

To the question, “How do you handle the problem of friendships?” the most common answer (28 percent) was “Greet all, love all.”

¥ “Many times people are afraid to get too close to the minister and his family; they feel as if they are spiritually dwarfed. You have to spend time with people and experience what they experience. They have to know you are human too. “

¥ “People to whom I am not close sometimes relate to me on too formal a basis. By more personal contact, I try to remove this air of formality. Helping them realize I am not a super-Christian breaks down the wall.”

¥”I never refuse an invitation to be with a woman from our church if time permits. I’ve found the gesture alone is sometimes enough to let people know I am really interested in them. Saying yes to people when they ask for my time and company makes me more approachable when I’m needed for counseling and other serious occasions.”

¥ “Friendships play such a big part in our lives. Friends often make the difference between whether or not we feel uplifted at the end of a long day.”

Although sometimes openness will backfire and friends will disappoint you, the product of the ministry is eternal and worth the risk. The personal satisfaction of helping people learn to walk with God goes to the depth of the soul.

¥ “A young college girl, who six years ago was very much a part of our lives, recently stepped back in again. She and her husband had moved out of state, and while there, the bottom had fallen out of their world-everything from complete financial loss to severe marital problems. Through our counseling they moved back to our area and also came back to the Lord. I spent much time with her, more a sharing time than actual counseling, and now they are active in our church again. To see them growing again in the Lord fills me with a sense of worth that is not easily extinguished.”

Keep Your Home a Haven

The most important avenue of continuing service for pastors’ wives, though, is in the home.

¥ “My husband is on the firing line of anger, jealousy, bitterness, and pain every day. It is my main function to make home a peaceful place to be.”

¥ “I try to make our home a happy place to come to. I try to let problems and things that have happened during the day wait until later. I also screen phone calls and, if possible, have my husband return the call later. I usually ask, ‘Is this an emergency, or can the pastor return the call?’ Most of the time the person is willing to be called back. I also try not to get upset when my husband can’t be home on time.”

¥ “I work four days a week outside the home. Usually I have Tuesdays off so my husband, whose schedule is flexible, can plan Tuesdays as his day off also. Most of the time we spend our time at home, although sometimes we go out to eat or play tennis. As I look back, I realize we have had our most serious talks about ourselves, our marriage, the family, and our future on those days. We have worked out more problems during those times than any other. I don’t get much ‘house’ work accomplished, but I do get a lot of ‘home’ work done.”

To the question, “Do you and your husband take time to be alone together?” 71 percent said “often” or “always.” Some wives suggested that taking a complete day off each week helps the husband-wife relationship and is good for the ministry. Emphasis was made on getting completely away from home and work.

¥ “We love our parishioners, but we need a mental break from the pressure of the ministry.”

¥ “I know one minister who dates his wife on a regular basis. Even their children know that on one particular night each week their parents have a date with each other. When something

comes up, the husband simply says he has an important commitment that cannot be broken. He and his wife feel this has made a major difference in their relationship, as well as a big impact on their children, who see their parents’ authentic love and respect for each other.”

* * *

The tangible rewards of this servanthood may be rare. They may not come until eternity. But sometimes they break through in this realm:

“When I received the ministers’ wives survey, my husband had just fought a bout with cancer. He went through chemotherapy and experienced many of the effects that go along with it. We have a church paper that goes out, and his progress was noted in it each month. A lot of people on the mailing list have been involved with our work for years. The response from people all over the world-people we thought had forgotten all about us-showed us an outpouring of love at that crucial time, and our hearts were lifted high. It showed us that the seeds we had sown over the years had borne fruit. The people we had worked with for years were still growing and loving the Lord. Now they were reaching out to us.” #