Some common problems turned up in my discussions with other pastors. I list them here in no particular order except for the first-which was universal!
Children in the bridal party. Most pastors can tell a funny story about how a child stole the show or disrupted the wedding or entertained the congregation or upset the bride, such as a flower girl who freezes halfway down the aisle or buries her face in Mother’s skirt or picks up during the service every flower petal she dropped during the processional.
Sometimes I remind the couple that even at the royal wedding of Prince Andrew and Sarah Ferguson, it was the antics of young Prince William that drew most photographers’ attention, and they should remember that children in the wedding party are difficult to predict.
Bill Ritter tells of a little boy who “rehearsed marvelously, but then during the wedding, sat down in the center aisle, removed his shoes and socks, and proceeded to play with his toes.”
Some couples would find that enchanting and a great addition to the uniqueness of their wedding day. Other couples would be upset and angry about it. I make a point of determining at the rehearsal whether or not the children should be under tight control. This requires the skill of an international diplomat, for the parents of the children generally think their little ones will-and should-be the stars of the show.
Wendy Pratt recommends that people just not worry about it. “Nothing the child can do is wrong,” she tells the wedding party. But she has the attendants alert to help out with the children and asks the mother to “bribe the kids to be good.”
The pastor has some power to set the tone even for the children. Most children are somewhat in awe of the situation at the rehearsal, and perhaps shy and fearful of the minister. They are often likely to pay attention to what the pastor says to them and to try to do it.
Punctuality. “Is everyone here?” the pastor asks.
“All but Duane, the best man,” replies the bride. “And my father. Oh, and Karen-she said she might be late. But we can go ahead without her.”
“Maybe someone should call Duane,” suggests the best man. “He might have forgotten.”
The second most universal characteristic of a bridal party is that it is usually late arriving at the rehearsal, and that’s irritating. “Even if I start the rehearsal on time,” says one pastor, “each new person who arrives has to be introduced and filled in on what’s going on. I’ve learned it’s just a waste of time to begin before all the principals are there.”
Another pastor uses an open ploy to get things started on time: “At the final counseling session, I urge the couple to give their wedding party a rehearsal time that’s fifteen minutes before the official starting time. When members arrive the typical fifteen minutes late, we’re ready to go on time.”
Sandra Hackett, a pastor in Tulsa, sometimes sets a time limit on the rehearsal. “If everyone is serious about the rehearsal and working with me, I don’t set a limit. But if they’re just wasting time, I tell them I can be here till 7 o’clock, and after that they’re on their own. That usually gets them to pay attention.”
The father of the bride. Surprisingly, he was mentioned by many as often needing extra attention. Sandra Hackett tells of one rehearsal in which the father of the bride and his daughter were halfway down the aisle when he lost control of his emotions and began to cry. “The daughter simply held him in her arms until he regained control of himself. He was okay at the wedding because he had faced the reality of his daughter’s leaving at the rehearsal and cried it out. It was a very moving moment.”
Other fathers handle this emotional time differently. Chris Taylor tells of a father of the bride who “kept cutting up throughout the rehearsal. He found the emotions of the occasion hard to deal with. There wasn’t much I could do. It was just his way of dealing with his feelings of loss, and I understood it.”
One minister said he feels the father looks upon the pastor as the enemy-“the one who is sanctifying this abduction of his daughter.”
Everyone who had faced this kind of experience recommended treating it with gentleness. “There’s no point in confronting him. Often men have to find their own way to handle emotions. The mothers usually feel pretty free to cry when they need to, but sometimes fathers are different.”
Divorced parents. As the national divorce rate rises among all ages of couples, the problem of how to seat the parents of the bride and groom and their new spouse or “significant other” often must be settled at the rehearsal. I’ve discovered no general answer to this problem, so each instance has to be decided on its own terms. Much depends on the relationship of all the people involved. If the couple is uncertain about how their parents and stepparents will feel about the wedding, I think it best to settle all questions with the couple before the rehearsal.
Often the pastor’s own beliefs and integrity must be a part of the decisions. Ed Danks says, “I find it difficult to deal with the specter of divorce interjecting into the marriage. In general, if a parent wants to bring a girlfriend or boyfriend to the wedding, I ask that they sit in the back rather than with the family. It’s caused some arguments and hurt feelings at the rehearsal, but I feel strongly about it.”
Others let the bride and groom decide what they prefer about the seating and participation of the parents’ new spouses or friends. If there is disagreement, it usually falls on us to handle the confrontation.
One bride was adamantly opposed to her father’s new girlfriend and did not want the woman to attend the wedding. The father firmly insisted that she sit with him in the front of the sanctuary. This kind of disagreement can seriously shadow future family relations if it is not worked out at the rehearsal.
Generally I prefer to honor the wishes of the bride and groom, but I also counsel them on the complexity of human relationships and the need to consider how this will affect their family relationships in the future. In the fallen world in which we all must make our way and exercise little control over the sins and shortcomings of others, God’s forgiving love often is needed to heal the wounds of past mistakes.
Video cameras. Another, less pernicious, wedding problem of the modern world is the friend or family member with a new video camera. Video bugs, encouraged by a recent TV commercial, feel it their duty to get as close to the action as possible, so that not a moment is lost to the family film archives. Professional photographers most often have respect for the solemnity of the wedding and are usually willing to abide by whatever limitations the pastor asks of them; friends and relatives, however, don’t often think about asking for permission to tape the service. Once the ceremony has begun, it’s disruptive and embarrassing for the pastor to make an issue of it (though some do so!).
I try to set firm guidelines at the rehearsal. I instruct ushers to watch for people with cameras and remind them gently that filmed pictures can be taken only from the balcony (or the narthex or after the ceremony or whatever rules have been set).
The marriage license. A missing license on the wedding day might as well be a missing bride or groom. The wedding cannot proceed without it.
One California pastor recalls a frantic groom who raced home twice in search for the license. Needless to say, his wedding day was hardly tranquil. That’s why many pastors insist the wedding license be given to them at the rehearsal.
An Indiana pastor offers another reason: “It’s a pretty complicated form, and when I first arrived here, I found I was having to track down the couple after the honeymoon to get the right information and signatures. No one is interested in filling out forms on the wedding day. They’re too nervous before the ceremony and too busy after. So I get everything on the license except my signature before everyone leaves the rehearsal.”
-Nancy D. Becker
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