Kevin and Sue had just moved from another state. Seeking a church, they had to rely on their own impressions rather than a friend’s invitation.
After visiting one church, Kevin was enthusiastic. “The worship style is just like we enjoyed back home,” he told Sue. “The message really spoke to me. And did you see the calendar? They have an active young couples group.”
“Yeah,” Sue agreed. “But didn’t you notice that people hardly spoke to each other? I felt tension in the air. The message was good, but the pastor appeared strained. Only the ushers greeted us, and they were pretty grim. I’m not sure they really want new members right now.”
Once she pointed out the signs, Kevin recognized them. He took seriously Sue’s knack for discerning substantial issues through observation. Their search continued.
Churches that plan to attract and keep visitors must consider how women’s perceptions and priorities differ from men’s. A couple’s decision to join a church is often based on the wife’s impressions, instincts, and intuitions. Here are some key areas that you may not be monitoring—but should.
Do they care for each other?
While men may focus on the relevance of the message and the quality of programing, women often assess the emotional climate of a congregation. They notice body language. Are people greeting one another with hugs, handshakes, or barely a nod? Is there interaction during the service, or is everyone rigidly staring straight ahead? Are arms crossed across the chest or stretched across the back of the pew? Are facial expressions open and warm or closed and cautious? Bodies say what lips won’t.
Notice the level of interaction between the pastor and congregation. Is the pastor making eye contact, smiling occasionally, referring to members in a positive way? Is the congregation responsive, laughing when appropriate, or open to shedding a tear? Do people look engaged and ready to learn?
Interplay between members is also a tip-off. Do they chat before the service? Afterward, do people linger, or is the place empty in 15 minutes?
Do they care about us?
The husband may wonder, “How close is my car?” The wife will ask, “What does this congregation care about?” Nothing answers her question quicker than a trip to the nursery.
Mothers consciously evaluate the children’s facilities, programing, staff, and level of care.
On a church visit, one mother began to sign her infant into the nursery but found only two workers for 11 babies. She also noticed peeling paint near the baseboards. When she pointed out this danger, the worker replied, “Oh well, we’re watching the kids all the time so no one is going to be eating paint.”
Had the worker responded with sincere concern, the family would likely have returned. This woman expected to hear, “Oh, thank you. We’ll get on that. These things become invisible after a while.” She was willing to attend a church that needed improvement, but not if the congregation dismissed her concerns. In that moment, the mother decided her family would not be back.
Her decision is likely to stick. Because mothers usually spend more time with the children than fathers do, a man will often defer to his wife’s opinion regarding a church’s ability to meet their children’s physical and spiritual needs.
For those with teenagers, youth ministry is often the determining factor in whether or not to join a church. These are tough times to be a teen. Parents are looking for support from youth leaders and for the potential of positive peer relationships for their teens.
While a visiting man may barely notice the pastor’s wife, a woman often searches her out, taking keen interest in her personality and style. She looks for clues to the ways women interact in the church. She assesses “friendship potential” among women.
Many women are dissatisfied in their relationships with parents or siblings. They’re looking for a church family that offers more than surface friendships, that can provide a mentor in the faith.
No amount of catchy advertising, superior building design, or premier programing can make up for a cold spiritual and emotional climate.
Actions, speaking loudly
Many visitors enter the church looking only for God’s love. They want help experiencing that love. They want to return love to God and to others.
Women will notice if the church is neat and tidy, if they are greeted or ignored, if it is difficult to find their way through the building. But no flaws in our facilities or holes in our programing will keep people away if God’s welcoming love is warmly demonstrated.
Pastor’s wife Linda Riley writes from 20820 Avis Ave. Torrance CA 92377
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