Our youngest son plays lacrosse. Watching a recent game, I was confused by his movements on the field. His strategy was one I didn’t recognize and, since I’m a relative newcomer to the game, I knew he would have to explain it to me. After the game I asked, “What were those moves you were making out there when your opponent was guarding you?”
He replied rather sheepishly, “Oh, I was just trying to avoid letting that big guy crush me!”
I laughed with him and said, “Good strategy. It’s always a good idea to know how to keep from getting crushed!”
I have had to develop a similar strategy in ministry. Yes, sometimes you have to stand and fight when the cause is right. But there are times when the best way to deal with conflict is to avoid it. As my father used to tell me when I was a boy trying to get along with kids in the schoolyard, “The easiest fights to win are the ones you stay out of.” As logical as that may seem, it isn’t always easy to stay out of skirmishes in ministry.
Dukes and hazards
Learning how and when to do that is a course most pastors regret not having had in seminary. The concept of avoiding conflict and developing proper techniques for doing so is something I’ve had to learn the hard way. God graciously broke me of some conflict-producing habits that hampered my early ministry.
Avoiding conflict is not unspiritual or compromising. On the contrary, there is a specific biblical blessing pronounced on those who excel in the art of peacemaking. Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God” (Mt. 5:9).
Much of what I’ve learned about being a peacemaker has come as a result of my mistakes rather than my successes. Earlier in my ministry I had a brash and demanding style that alienated those who did not share my take-no-prisoners approach. I thought I was just doing the work of God with passion, zeal, and commitment. I would accept nothing less from myself. The problem was that I also accepted nothing less of others. I believed that conflict was the inevitable companion of a devoted servant of Christ.
God has shown me the terrible error in that kind of thinking. The result has been far more grace extended to myself and others in ministry. That has yielded less conflict and more lasting relationships built through mutual ministry.
Time to switch or fight?
Conflict is still part of ministry, but I no longer shrug it off as one of the occupational hazards a pastor has to live with. There is something honorable in being a peacemaker while at the same time being a good soldier of Christ. Effective ministry with people does not have to be done in a hostile environment.
Knowing which battles should be waged and which should be forfeited takes the wisdom of Solomon. But not all conflict is worthy of my engagement. Some incendiary issues should simply be avoided.
When Nehemiah was leading the rebuilding of the wall of Jerusalem he had plenty of opportunities for conflict. I am amazed at his skill in deciding which conflicts were worth his response and which he should ignore so the work could continue. I recently avoided a battle I once would have fought.
I usually receive from our worship team the worship service plan two weeks in advance. On this occasion I didn’t get the service plan until Monday before the Sunday it was scheduled because several people were out of town. There were a couple of significant problems with the service that I felt would adversely affect the flow of worship. I called our lay worship leader and talked to him about the changes I thought were necessary. Somewhat reluctantly he agreed and said he would make the changes I requested.
Saturday evening I received an e-mail from him announcing that he had reconsidered. He wanted to keep the service as it was originally planned. He said he was sure I’d understand.
There was a time when I would have been on the phone two minutes later asking for an explanation. In a diplomatic, but direct way, I would have reminded him that the proper way to handle something like this is through personal conversation, not by e-mail. Since I was ultimately responsible for the worship services, I would have said, we would do it the way I proposed.
This time I took a deep breath, prayed that God would bless the service, and asked Him to help me be gracious and affirming toward the worship team. I then put the matter to rest.
On Sunday morning I acknowledged to our worship leader that I received his e-mail. I thanked him for thinking the situation through and affirmed his decision. Nothing more was said.
My response settled the issue. There was no more discussion, no disagreement, no conflict. We experienced the slightly disjointed flow I had expected, but no one even noticed.
Wars no one wins
Conflict has a way of growing from a small snow slide into a full-scale avalanche. It leaves almost no one standing. A roiling conflict can mar the integrity and character of combatants on both sides.
I’ve tried to analyze why that is so. Once the teams are divided over an issue, there is a strong tendency for each side to gather support for its position.
That leads people to compromise their integrity in a variety of ways: making exaggerated statements, taking verbal shots at the other side, restating the facts in a more supportive way, and impugning the motives of others. These compromises mire us in “the end justifies the means” thinking.
One of the best ways to minimize conflict is to stop this integrity slide. This may involve refusing to discuss the issues with any party other than the one directly involved. It requires keeping a close watch on the facts we cite and not exaggerating or dismissing certain details.
A good friend of mine recently suffered a serious church conflict. So deep was the division that he resigned after more than a year of unrelenting argument. Yet the vast majority of people in the church were shocked to hear of his resignation. Most had no idea there was a problem.
“How could that be when the conflict was so severe?” I asked. His response spoke volumes about his integrity throughout the ordeal. He said simply, “I never spoke about the problems with anyone in the church who was not directly involved. And those on the other side of the issue spoke only to those with whom they were in agreement.”
Just because our adversaries may use a certain battle plan does not entitle us to adopt the same one. As Oswald Chambers wrote, “To see that my adversary gives me my rights is natural; but from our Lord’s standpoint it does not matter if I am defrauded or not; what does matter is that I do not defraud.”
My friend’s response was a powerful example of incarnational leadership, the kind of leadership that Jesus would exhibit. It is leadership that refuses to win the battle at any cost. There really is no victory if it comes at the expense of our integrity.
Maintaining integrity during conflict prevents anyone from coming back to us with accusations about questionable conduct. Although my position may be right, if it is not backed up by my conduct, then even the rightness of the position will be lost in people’s doubts about my integrity.
Treat people or problems?
The sparse instruction I received in seminary on dealing with people could be put on a single piece of paper. However, there was one bit of counsel given that could have saved me volumes of journal entries recording my anguish over various conflicts. That advice, from an adjunct professor who was a pastor, was simply, “Work harder at maintaining relationships in the church than you do at solving problems in the church.”
If we focus on building and maintaining healthy, redemptive relationships, we will have far fewer problems to solve.
I wish I had heeded this in the early years of ministry. I wish I’d asked myself several questions: What am I willing to pay to win this battle? Is winning worth the cost of a broken relationship? Is there another way of dealing with the conflict that won’t break relationships?
Early in my ministry I didn’t follow that strategy. A series of broken relationships dogged my steps.
I had a confused understanding of leadership. I thought leadership was getting the church to do all the right things, even if someone had to be removed from a ministry position or confronted with his inability. In my wake people felt battered and beaten rather than valued and protected.
Today I would rather maintain a relationship than win a battle over an issue. I ask myself, “Is the resolution of this issue worth losing a relationship over?” Most of the time the answer is a conclusive “No.”
The value of relationships over issues has become a battle cry for me.
Following the Civil War, the nation’s greatest conflict, scalawags were lording their position over their southern countrymen. A hot-blooded contingent of rebels gained an audience with President Lincoln to complain about their treatment. Lincoln’s gentle, friendly manner soon thawed the ice and the Southerners left with a new respect for their old foe. A northern congressman criticized Lincoln for befriending the enemy instead of having them shot as traitors. Lincoln smiled and replied, “Am I not destroying my enemies by making them my friends?”
Conflict’s breeding ground
I recognize that the church and pastoral ministry will never be devoid of conflict. For pastors some conflict comes with the territory. As shepherds we are called upon to engage in conflict at times to protect and purify the flock. But even when we have to do battle with the wolves, we don’t have to become one of them.
We cannot adopt an avoid-at-all-cost mentality. Some conflict is normal and required to maintain healthy growth. There will always be a tension between what is and what ought to be, and this gap between reality and the ideal is the breeding ground for conflict. Finding the right balance between the two takes wisdom, patience, and diligence.
But the effort is rewarded both in the increased quality of relationships we enjoy and in the decreased quantity of conflict we endure.
This article is excerpted from Character Forged from Conflict: Staying Connected to God during Controversy, the sixth volume in LEADERSHIP‘s “Pastor’s Soul” book series. To enroll in this series, call toll-free, 800-806-7796, and mention offer E8A28. If you like the book, just pay $14.95. You’ll then receive the next quarterly volume, and you may cancel at any time.
Gary Preston is pastor of Bethany Church 5495 Baseline Rd. Boulder CO 80303 GDPresto@aol.com
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