Working with a Narcissistic Leader

The senior pastor I worked under at a California megachurch had a compelling vision to see seekers saved, was quietly charismatic, and had scores of loyal followers. We began to have concerns about him, though, when he insisted on re-videotaping Nicky Gumbel’s Alpha Course sessions with himself as speaker. This, he rationalized, was necessary to “preserve (his own) evangelistic anointing and replace Gumbel’s hard-to-listen-to English accent with something more comfortable for Americans.” None of us was brave enough to mention that the Alpha Course on video had already led tens of thousands to Christ globally. We all kept quiet and completed the project.

In a board meeting some time later, the pastor described his primary ministry function in weekend services as “walking among the congregation and touching them, conferring a blessing that radically changes their countenances.” Now we knew something was wrong. Over time, incidents like this convinced us that our pastor was blatantly self-referential, lacked true empathy, was overly sensitive to criticism, was a poor listener, and set himself against anyone he perceived as competition while maintaining his own severe competitiveness toward others. This publicly self-described “benevolent dictator” had a dark history of using and discarding leaders who could never measure up to his standards—expectations that were never openly explained.

This pastor is an extreme example of what I call a narcissistic spiritual leader (NSL). From the board member who actively undermines a senior pastor, to the staff member who splits the church, to the worship leader whose ego eclipses Sunday morning’s focus, to the youth pastor so self-defensive you wonder if your “good morning” is grounds for his afternoon resignation, to the senior leader who misshapes the organization in his own image—narcissistic spiritual leaders can wreak havoc in a church.

Conditions Ripe for Narcissism

While narcissistic leaders are nothing new, today’s church culture may be fertile soil for narcissism.

Our “celebrity driven” mindset for defining leadership, and elevation of leaders who excel at casting vision, manifesting charm, and exuding enthusiasm produces pastors whose personal “brands” are bigger than their church’s.

Our tendency to focus on the bottom-line, the “nickels and noses” measure of church success—measuring everything by giving levels and attendance—can also generate NSLs. Churches fueled primarily by the leader’s popularity are hazardous material. Perhaps now more than ever, we need to know how to respond to narcissistic tendencies in the leaders we work with.

Field Guide to Narcissists

The key to understanding narcissists is recognizing that they are primarily “self-referential.” That is, they interpret the world only as it pertains to them.

Full-blown narcissists (1) have this “self-referential” orientation in every area of their personality; (2) have narcissism present in their personality for their adult lifetime; (3) do not see this self-referential orientation as a problem. When all three of these conditions are true of someone, he or she is diagnosed as a narcissist. When some of these things are true, a person has narcissistic tendencies and is “functional,” that is, relates in ways that seem “normal” to unstudied observers.

Psychologist Greg Hamlin, whose grandfather was a Baptist minister with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, notes one indicator of narcissistic personalities: a distinct lack of empathy.

“A narcissist does not have the pain of others on their own psychic radar screens,” he says. “I’d prefer to call narcissism EDD, Empathy Deficiency Disorder, because a narcissist’s lack of empathy for others is so profound.”

Dr. Hamlin suggests a simple test for “uncovering a narcissistic personality”: take them to lunch and observe how they treat the waiter. “Invariably, people with narcissistic personalities treat what they consider ‘menial servers’ terribly.” In Christian circles, this can be terribly ironic. Narcissists can be very effective at activities that appear altruistic and can be overachievers in helping others. Hamlin suggests we listen carefully to the language of a narcissist when describing their altruism: “When they speak of other’s difficulties, if the conversation trails back around to the subject of ‘how I helped them’—no matter how subtly this is presented—this can be a key indicator of a narcissistic leader excelling at acts of human kindness for selfish gain.”

Blessings and Curses

Truth is, NSL’s are a mixed bag of divine delights and devilish dangers. Working with (or under) them fruitfully is possible, but it might not be easy.

Some divine delights NSL’s bring to an organization include: extreme independence of thought and action, often leading to “out-of-the-box” breakthroughs in innovation; strong charisma; a drive to enact sweeping cultural change; an often larger-than-life personality; a commitment to the highest standards of excellence; an extraordinary ability to perceive and diagnose issues; working cycles of high-productivity; a high-tolerance for risk and experimentation in pursuit of a goal; a passion to leave a legacy; a strong focus on loyalty; and the ability to articulate vision with an inspiring self-assurance. Working for an NSL can be a graduate-level educational experience with significant benefits.

The devilish dangers of the NSL include: lack of empathy for others; incapacity for intimacy; profound discomfort with their own and others’ emotions; poor listening habits; emphasizing indoctrination of the “vision” rather than inspiration; an intense desire to be admired; major resistance to even constructive critique, especially from perceived “underlings;” a habit of dominating meetings; incessant name-dropping; fixation upon personal accomplishment a tendency to become an information broker, especially of the sin and failings of perceived competitors; exploitive methods; and a focus on their own personal “rightness” in judgment, opinion, or behavior.

In light of these formidable delights and dangers, it is imperative that we know how to minister successfully with narcissistic spiritual leaders.

Navigating the Narcissist

In order to minister effectively with or under an NSL, it is crucial to learn to accurately interpret what the narcissist wants, how to speak to him so as to be heard, and what strategies ensure survival.

What an NSL wants. Since NSLs most commonly want admiration—and simultaneously don’t recognize their need for it—interpreting their true desires often comes down to answering this question: “What, in this situation, would bring them the most glory?” Your answer will usually be what they really want.

Speaking to be heard. You can tell you’re talking to an NSL when they seem bored, distracted, or impatient with you. The reason may be that what you are sharing has no direct reference to them, and they listen selectively only for anything that pertains to them. Appealing to an NSL along these lines: “How would you feel if you were that person?” will not work. Since NSLs lack empathy, they simply don’t have other people’s feelings on their emotional radar. Though they enjoy appearing to care, they lack real empathetic identification with others. Another unsuccessful appeal: “We need you to follow our rules.” Since NSL’s consider themselves entitled and special, they’ll support the rules as applicable to everyone else but expect to be immune to them themselves. NSLs are more likely to give a desired response if they see benefit for themselves, especially in the public eye.

Working under an NSL and surviving. Here is a short list of do’s and don’ts for working alongside an NSL:

Always empathize with an NSL’s feelings but don’t expect them to empathize with yours. They can’t.
Offer them your ideas, but give them the credit.
Understand that behind the NSL’s displays of infallibility is a deep vulnerability. Be careful not to tread there.
Offer information honestly, but not opinion. NSLs gobble up information that’s useful to solving a problem, but they will resent honest opinion if they feel it diminishes their sense of self.
Don’t disagree openly, especially in venues such as staff meetings. Only when you can demonstrate how the NSL will benefit personally from your different point of view should you promote it, and then discreetly allowing the seed of the idea to become their own gaining them the credit.
Don’t over-perform. An NSL will perceive it as a threat to their stature.
Anticipate problems emerging from sub-groups in the church that champion your gifts and leadership. NSLs keenly perceive possible power shifts as threats.

Enabling, Hope, and Healing

This advice may elicit concerns about enabling the NSL. Classically (and very basically) understood, enabling is the act of engaging with someone in a way that affirms or perpetuates their weaknesses, vulnerability, or sin. The classic example is the spouse of an alcoholic who not only refrains from confronting the problem but also cleans up the alcoholic’s messes and hides his or her problems from others.

Avoiding enabling is a complicated but not impossible task. Elder boards and co-ministers do well to cultivate an environment of honesty, clarity, and objective assessment of ministry practice, particularly relative to the organization’s stated values and goals. Reexamining practices, values, and goals continually as a team keeps the conversation focused on the team’s goals, and this can mitigate opportunities for any NSL to warp reality to their own ends.

Whether there is hope for healing the NSL will depend upon the severity of his or her condition. Individuals diagnosed as suffering from narcissism as a personality disorder rarely heal, since the individual’s condition has persisted throughout their adult lifetime, and, most importantly, is not perceived by the individual as a problem, even after focused discussion or counseling by a professional.

But there is hope for NSLs. Identifying an NSL is more than half the battle of gaining steerage in the swirling currents they can generate. With patience and persistence, it is possible to continue a thriving ministry alongside or under an NSL as you trust God to bring healing and hope.

—James Patrick is pastor of Antioch Community Church in Santa Clarita, California.