Every battle is won or lost before it is fought.” This ancient wisdom from The Art of War by Sun Tzu has guided military strategy for centuries. Does the precept apply equally to peacemaking? Is peace won or lost before it is ever attempted? Ken Sande believes it is.
Sande is an attorney and the president and founder of Peacemaker Ministries. He has helped hundreds of churches and ministries around the world overcome disputes and complex conflict by using biblical peacemaking principles. He’s convinced that seeking peace requires every church to be prepared for conflicts before they arise.
“Once we’re in the conflict,” says Sande, “it’s very difficult to put in place the structures we need.”
Leadership senior editor Skye Jethani spoke with Ken Sande in Cape Town, South Africa, while both were attending the Lausanne Congress on World Evangelization.
Do the conflicts you’re hearing about in churches here in Africa differ from the conflicts you see in the U.S.?
Yes and no. I’m talking to people here about very similar issues—marriages falling apart, conflict within mission teams, church leadership divisions, workplace disputes. All those are similar to the U.S. But there are mega issues going on that we tend not to see in the U.S. There are large ethnic conflicts going on in the church around the world, like the Hutus and Tutsis in Rwanda, that we don’t see at home.
But most people see Rwanda as a tribal conflict, not a church conflict.
During the genocide in Rwanda, 90 percent of the people claimed to be Christians. We don’t want to see that happen again. We did some work in Uganda a few years ago between two tribes, both of which profess to be Christian. It was a situation very similar to Rwanda. After Idi Amin left Uganda, his armories were unguarded, and 14-year-old kids got AK-47s, and 50,000-100,000 people were killed in cattle raids.
A missionary seeing this bloodshed contacted her church in Portland, Oregon, for help. A team trained through our Peacemaker resources went to Uganda and trained 20 pastors from the two tribes. They went on to train warriors, women, and elders. Eventually the two tribes called for a reconciliation meeting in the valley between them, which had been abandoned as a war zone. Some 2,500 people walked 15 miles from both directions to participate.
The gospel was preached and a revival occurred with an outpouring of the Holy Spirit. The people decided not only to make peace but to live together. They have now planted 60 villages of peace in that war-torn valley, 11,000 people have relocated, and truckloads of weapons have been taken away.
When visitors to the area asked, “What happened? How did you do this?” a woman who had been a catalyst for the reconciliation kept saying, “It’s the gospel of Jesus Christ.”
So whether the conflict is between a husband and wife or two warring tribes, the peacemaking principles remain the same. And church leaders committed to peacemaking will see it spill over into other areas.
Thankfully most church leaders don’t have to worry about armed conflict. But what should leaders do to make sure we’re ready for conflict before one occurs?
First, pastors need to believe what they preach. They preach on the doctrine of sin, but the way churches set up their governance structures and leadership often doesn’t account for it.
Leaders seem to think that sin won’t affect their church. And so there is a lack of accountability in most churches, and this is made more dangerous by the growing number of independent churches. So if there is a conflict, it locks up the leadership team—they have nowhere to turn. They have to create processes and structures while under fire. And it is so sad to watch.
So, believe what you preach. Sin is real. You need to be prepared for sin to infect your leadership team at some point.
So put structures in place preemptively.
Right. Do it when everybody’s getting along. Say to your team, “Listen, we may have a falling out some day. If that happens, what will we do? How do we ensure accountability and fairness?” If you wait until you’re in conflict, then anything you suggest will be met with suspicion. Failure to have accountability structures in place before a conflict is the single most frequent issue we deal with in conflicts between leaders—pastors, elders, deacons, people at every level. So put structures in place before a conflict happens.
Assuming we’ve got accountability structures in place, then what?
Train all of your leadership in peacemaking. The average pastor has not had five minutes of practical peacemaking instruction. It’s all theoretical. So find ways to equip the leadership team so that when you get conflict, you’ve already agreed in advance on a method of handling it. That’s what we try to help leadership teams do through our training.
How does theology play into the way we handle conflict?
Our view of God is truly revealed when we are in a conflict. If we view God as sovereign, all good, all powerful, then even our conflict is something he is planning to use for our good. It means seeing conflicts as opportunities. I may be mad. I’m hurt. I’m threatened. But God is going to do something good. He’s going to reveal his glory. He’s going to refine me through it.
In addition, he’s going to give me the opportunity to minister to other people. That attitude of looking for the good radically changes how people approach conflict. Instead of avoiding, manipulating, controlling, they’re really trying to find the good in it.
What does conflict reveal about who we are as leaders?
During a conflict we generally find that church leaders will go in one of two unhealthy directions. The ditch on one side of the road is filled with the people pleasers. These leaders will do anything to keep the peace, and it often means telling different people what they want to hear. That eventually catches up with the leader when people start finding out that the pastor has been giving different stories. A lot of conflict builds up in those churches because, with a people-pleasing pastor, it’s not being addressed.
The ditch on the other side is filled with controlling pastors, real powerbrokers. I was talking just today with one of my Asian brothers, and he said in his culture there is an enormous tendency for leaders to fight for power and control.
If you are a leader that is inclined to be a controller, you need to pray all the time: God, give me the humility, the kindness, the servant’s heart of Christ.
If you are inclined to be a people pleaser: Lord, give me strength. Give me backbone today. Give me courage to confront things, not to run away from them.
Ideally we understand our weaknesses before a conflict so we can be prepared to counteract them.
Often conflicts are pitched as theological—differences over doctrine, which can lead to impassioned disagreements in a church and charges of heresy. How do you counsel leaders in that scenario?
Number one, pray for humility. It’s so easy to become very proud. People should remember how much their own understanding has changed over the years. We are always growing; always learning. Things we believed passionately years ago may not be the same as today. So maybe there is an issue that I’m wrong about today. Humility is vital.
Number two, realize that the only way to carry on a meaningful discussion is in the context of relationship. So preserving the relationship is crucial. It means listening, being kind, being forbearing, even if the other person is wrong and being offensive. Consider some important questions: How do I approach a brother on a very important doctoral issue and yet still treat him with love, respect, and humility? What do I owe a person just because he’s made in God’s image? And if he’s a believer, he has also been redeemed. I owe him a great deal in our engagement.
The controversy between John Wesley and George Whitefield has been an example to me. They had strong theological disagreements. But I saw one letter that Whitefield wrote to Wesley at the end of his life, earnestly trying to persuade him. Yet in the midst of it, he kept addressing him as “my dear brother.” You see them both valuing and preserving the relationship and not just winning the argument.
How can a pastor begin to shepherd the “theology police” in his congregation toward humility?
Lead by example. Is the pastor teachable? Approachable? Many pastors are simply not approachable. They’re up in their ivory towers. They seem aloof. They seem distant. People don’t think they can approach them, especially on a biblical or theological point of controversy. It’s what we call a steep authority slope. To get up and actually talk to the pastor is something people are afraid to do. Part of humility is being approachable.
Are there trends in the church that contribute to a lack of approachability today?
Yes, I think there are. First the sheer size of some churches makes it impossible for the pastor to relate to people, so they can just pull back into a sheltered bubble. As churches get bigger, some pastors hire staff to do the relational work. And that contrast can make the senior pastor seem even more distant and aloof.
The emphasis on impressive preaching, and the competition between preachers, can move pastors to spend hours and hours in their studies refining their sermons, and I’m glad they do thorough preparation. But sometimes so much time is spent in front of the computer and commentaries that the pastor is not actually out with the sheep.
Finally there is just the everyday busyness. We’re so swamped. Taking time to walk alongside somebody, to talk to somebody, have a cup of coffee—a lot of pastors just don’t find the time.
But the solution can’t simply be smaller churches, can it?
No, but as your church grows, new dynamics come into play. Leaders need to deliberately counteract those.Even in a large church, I’ve seen pastors who are masters at relating to people. They’re out in the main lobby before the worship service begins. They’re talking to people. And they deliberately engage the non-prestigious people. They’re seeing a teenager and asking, “Hey, how did your football game go last night, Jack?”
They know the parishioners’ names. That is a gift. Some personalities can do that really well; some can’t. But a good friend once told me, “If you know your parishioners’ children’s names, and you speak of them, your parishioners will forgive you almost anything.” He’s right.
I know the whole issue of visiting people is very difficult. You can’t visit everybody, but be deliberate to get out there often enough so that people know you haven’t delegated everything. That is crucial.
It sounds like a lot of this comes down to the maturity and character of the leaders.
Right.
How do you counsel churches about leadership development? How can they be sure they are putting the right people in these positions?
The selection process for key leaders is vital. I don’t ask people what they’re going to do in a leadership role. I ask them what’s happened in the past, because that’s an indicator. What are the relationships like there? Why are you looking for this new position? Who could we talk to?
Number one … humility is vital. Number two … preserving the relationship is crucial.
That sounds like Paul’s advice to Timothy—look for trustworthy people.
It’s very biblical. Their reputation matters. But one of the pastor’s primary jobs is discipling the other leaders in the church—modeling humility, modeling the pastor’s heart, modeling an approachable spirit. Letting people see you being open to correction. All those things are crucial.
There are certain leaders that I’ve watched and observed for years, and when I find myself in situations, I will think, What would Rich do right now? How would Rex approach this? It’s like I’ve got a library of videotapes in my mind because they have modeled godly leadership for me. As leaders we need to be presenting such examples to our people so they can grow to model those things.
What about the selection of a senior pastor? Most of the megachurches today were started by Baby Boomers and many are reaching retirement. How do they, or any size church, navigate the potential conflicts associated with leadership transition?
We’re in the middle of mediating one of those conflicts right now. A very successful pastor looked ahead at this transition. He brought a man in that he and the other leaders really thought was a good candidate to take his place. They announced it to the congregation. But three years into the transition it became evident that the senior pastor could no longer in good conscience support this man taking over the church. It was very painful, and it’s been extremely painful for this young man. He has accumulated a lot of followers in the church who are very disappointed he’s not going to take the pulpit. It has resulted in him leaving with a good portion of the church to start a new church in the same community. We really think that is unwise, but we have mediated a personal reconciliation between them.
Contrast that story with another pastor who had the same goal in mind. He brought in a new associate, but he didn’t announce to anybody that he was the successor. He just prayed, Lord, if this is the man that you want to replace me, then raise him up and make it evident to everybody. Three year later more and more people began saying this young man would be a great replacement because of his character, his servant’s heart, and his teaching. And the senior pastor simply could say, “I agree.” But if it hadn’t worked out, he could have moved in a different direction without disappointing the church or associate.
He was careful not to raise expectations.
That’s exactly it. Expectations are huge. But one of the big questions is, should a senior pastor name the heir apparent? Of course that gets into your polity and governance. I’ve seen places where it worked well and places where it didn’t work at all. A lot of it depends on how the senior pastor leaves. Does he leave in a positive way where he’s respected and loved? Or is there a bitter falling out? A pastor facing a transition needs to ask himself, “How do I want to finish my season? As I go out, what do I want people to remember about me?”
What about a pastor embroiled in a conflict? How do you know when it’s time to walk away and remove yourself?
I would try to chart the conflict on a graph—the intensity, the number of people involved, the emotional level. Is the curve rising? Has it plateaued? As long as it’s not severely rising, you might be able to still function as a leader. But if you see it getting worse and worse and worse, it’s time to ask some hard questions. And a leader should also be monitoring his or her own emotional levels. If my emotions are getting more intense and less charitable, then it may be time to ask for help or to step away from the conflict.
Sometimes you have to be frank—just put it out there and address what everyone is thinking.
Another important step is to seek counsel. The older I get, and the more wisdom I accumulate, the less confident I am in my own objectivity. You should have a healthy skepticism of your own objectivity in a conflict. So confide in somebody outside the situation and ask for their perspective. Tell them, “I feel this way. I think I should do this. But because I’m the object of this conflict, I’m not objective. What do you think? Should we call someone else?”
Many pastors will call our office just to chat with somebody outside the conflict. We function like a doctor. You call the doctor and he may say, yeah, you better come in for some tests. Or here are some easy things you can do that might solve the problem. Either way, get someone else you can talk to.
What is the role of the pulpit in a church conflict? How does a pastor use the sermon appropriately when tensions are high?
The most frequent mistake pastors make in the midst of conflict is to use the pulpit as leverage for their position—they argue their case before the congregation and they rebuke people—and it backfires almost every time. It only makes the conflict worse.
But what you can do is talk about general concepts, the universal principles of godly character: humility, being open to correction, seeking forgiveness, speaking truth in love, loving even our enemies, looking for ways to serve others.
Preaching in a conflict is like walking through a minefield because people are inferring all kinds of things. He’s talking about so-and-so. He’s trying to speak to me. And sometimes you just have to be frank about that. Say to the congregation, “I’m sure some of you right now are going to think that I’m thinking about a particular individual in this church. I’ve got to tell you, I am. I’m thinking about me. I need this. I’ve got an inclination to be proud. I’ve got an inclination to talk too much. And this is where I need to grow.”
Sometimes you have to be frank—you have to just put it out there and address what everyone is thinking. I would also encourage the pastor to say, “Listen, it’s inevitable that I’m going to step on some toes today just out of my own clumsiness and limitations. If I step on your toes, please come and talk to me this week.” Be approachable.
Preaching is one minefield, but so is the Internet. We hear of many church conflicts resulting from or being exacerbated by online communication.
It’s huge. E-mail does so much damage. Here’s the advice I give everyone—whatever you say or whatever you write in an e-mail or online, to the best of your ability communicate in a way that you will not be embarrassed or ashamed if (when!) it is publicly distributed.
So treat all electronic communication as public.
Right. And, again, before a conflict arises, teach your leaders:
1. Never use e-mail to communicate delicate personal issues. You just don’t know how the other person is going to read your words. What you intended to be gentle and sensitive can lift off the screen and be interpreted as condemning or attacking. The only time I say it’s okay to use e-mail is to communicate real contrition but never to confront.
2. The other temptation is to defend yourself when criticized online. I’ve been severely criticized at times on the Internet, and I was tempted to respond and defend myself. But I realized, given the nature of these people, for every ten words I put out there, they would have responded with a hundred. I just said nothing, and in time it all faded away.
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