“Coach.” The word conjures up many images these days. Not long ago it simply referred to the person calling the shots on a sports team. But in the last decade or so this has changed. Life coaches, corporate coaches, leadership coaches, relationship coaches, career coaches, etc., are now familiar vocations in society. Most people today either know a coach or know someone who is receiving coaching.
However, as widespread as coaching has become, there is still a lot of mystery surrounding it. This might be especially true in the church world. I was a lead pastor in Cleveland, Ohio when a congregant told me she was considering a career in coaching. While I supported her decision, at the time I did not see how coaching would become such a relevant and valuable resource in the church.
This changed dramatically for me a few years ago when I myself became a professional leadership coach. As I began training for my new vocation, my eyes opened to the power of coaching and its nuanced skills in understanding and helping people. These were skills I wished I had grasped earlier in my ministry. My desire was always to help people experience, in the words of Jesus, “life to the full,” (John 10) but I lacked the tools to successfully lead them to that place. My training, and now experience, in coaching revealed certain needs that people in the church haven’t necessarily communicated but need from their leaders.
Listen to Me
“It is a rare thing to be listened to.”
This is the opening line of a coaching textbook I use. When I first read this, it seemed simple enough. I did not realize at the time the profundity of the statement.
Pastors, elders and leaders may try to be immune from cultural influence but the truth is, they are not. One big influence today is the lack of listening skills.
Think about it: when was the last time someone truly listened to you? With actual eye contact, without a cell phone ringing, and without one-upping you with a story of their own?
When someone takes the time to listen without words, they communicate volumes: respect, patience, and love, to name a few. “Coach” is synonymous with “listener.” Coaches learn how to listen on multiple levels. Level 1 listens primarily to the voice in our own head. Level 2 listens to and for the other person. Level 3 listens to what is not being said, including what the Holy Spirit is speaking.
Ironically, we live in the most plugged in, and yet detached, culture of all time. We have never been more connected or more disconnected than we are now. These distractions keep us in a perpetual state of pseudo-listening that chisels away at the foundation of authentic relationship. This is the church’s chance to shine. It might be hard for the church to compete with the technological advances in society, but we can do what no gadget can do…listen, and listen deeply.
Ask Me, Don’t Tell Me
I used to believe my job as pastor and leader was to transfer information I had acquired through education and/or experience to those who needed it. And, obviously, there are right times to to provide answers and to wear the mentor hat. People need good teaching, and Scripture is certainly clear that one of the roles of a pastor, elder and even discipler is teacher. But I felt very one-dimensional in how I related to people and their struggles.Being the “answer man” fell short of providing what people needed.
When I discovered coaching, I found a new way of looking at my role in the church. A coach sees the person being coached as already having the answers inside of them. One of my favorite phrases is, “most of us need to be reminded more than instructed.” No longer did I need to be the answer man. In fact, I shifted my focus from providing better answers to asking better questions.
I was amazed at how difficult this was. It was like writing with my left hand. I could do it, but it was unorthodox and sloppy. Yet the more I asked open-ended follow-up questions, the more excited I became about where the conversation went. It was like mining for buried treasure. Somewhere underneath the layers of questions was a deeper heart issue that longed to be unearthed and exposed to the light.
Coaches call these questions “powerful questions.” They can be as simple as “what else?” And as seemingly innocuousas “what do you want?” Some of my favorite are, “What are you tolerating or settling for in your life? “What motivates you?” “What’s stopping you?” As a general rule: the shorter the question, the longer the answer, and vice versa.
The principle that never changes: people like to talk about themselves. Powerful follow-up questions allow them do that. And in the process, it provides both of you more understanding of their current reality and illuminates their path to journey forward. It also empowers the leader to trust that the Holy Spirit is speaking, and to depend on his guidance.
Be a Witness to My Journey
A respected friend of mine once told me, “Everyone needs a witness to their journey.”
People long for this, and what an opportunity for a coach to add value to a person!By listening and asking powerful questions, a coach-like leader sees beyond the surface story and into the deeper detours of their journey.A coach learns that oftentimes people simply need someone to walk alongside them.
The days of the anonymous traveler are fading. Because of the multiple ways that we can hide today, there is an increasing desire to be seen, to be heard, and to be known along the journey.
Coaches not only witness people along the path, they also help them slow down and experience the journey itself. Often it is easier to live in the past or fixate on the future. However, the present is where “life to the full” happens.
It is Jesus sitting with the woman at the well, or paying attention to the child, or acknowledging the man in the tree. Or it might be his more sorrow-filled entrance into Jerusalem, or the intense and restless moments in the garden. While most people skim the surface of the present, Jesus dove deep and lived fully engaged in the moment.
When people experience this level of present-living, it creates a powerful opportunity for true, authentic community to develop. We become more in touch with the signposts along the way that tell us where we are right now, inform us of where we have been, and point us to where we intend to go. A coach helps people fully engage and experience those divine, thin spaces.
Deepen My Learning and Forward My Action
Probably the biggest reward for a coach is to watch the learning turn into action, which in turn leads to transformation. There is nothing more off-putting than the image put forth in Proverbs 26:11: “Like a dog returning to his vomit, so a fool returns to their folly.” And yet so often we watch as people continue to hear the same message, repeat the same actions, and lead a life that leads to little impact for themselves and others.
A central goal of coaching conversations is to help people reach a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships with others. If we do not learn, we do not grow. The old farm saying says “we are either green and growing or ripe and rotting.” We can have great book knowledge and not learn a thing.
Truly life-transforming learning comes through both the examination of ourselves and the experience of acting on that learning. A coach challenges people to not settle for small bite-sized, agendas that allow people to stay where they are. The coach gives take-your-breath-away-type challenges that move them towards action.
And most importantly, coaches follow up. The coaching conversation is not where the learning takes place. Rather, it is the in-between times where the courageous action leads to learning and eventually habits that transform.
Coaching gives people a new set of skills and a strong framework for intentional conversations. When these skills are effectively used within the body, both the coach and the one being coached experience “life to the full”.
—Mark Miller is Senior Vice President at Andrew Coaching and author of Experiential Storytelling (Zondervan/ Youth Specialties, 2004).
