I'm thrilled to feature this piece, the first of a two part series, from Leadership Journal's senior editor, Amy Simpson. Amy's work to elevate understanding of mental illness in the church is earning her a national reputation. Today, she traces how codependent behavior is intersecting the church today. Also catch a brilliant companion piece from Amy, "When Service is Selfish," publishing here on Thursday. Amy lays out how codependent behavior impacts Christian service and spirituality, and offers a way forward. – Paul
Laura (name changed) never saw it coming—maybe because it was there all along.
She describes how she and John went into marriage: "with a lot of baggage, primed for dysfunction." She says, "I grew up with the subtle message that a man was needed. Any man. Even if he didn't treat you well, a man was better than no man." So that's what she looked for: any man. She found one in John. He didn't treat her well, and their relationship was not healthy, but the important thing was that she had a man.
Before long, Laura was "addicted" to John and believed she could not live without him. When he tried to break off the relationship, she begged him not to. When he was hesitant to get married, she pleaded with him. And when they married, things got worse for this Christian couple.
Once they were married, Laura railed against her husband's mistreatment, though she didn't know what to do about it. John began drinking more, then consistently drinking too much. And when Laura reacted by creating rules, threatening consequences without following through, he began drinking secretly. For more than a decade, she says, "I did everything wrong." And John's problem worsened.
When John had a car accident, he told Laura he needed to drive her car. She gave him the keys, drove his wrecked car, and shouldered the blame for the damage. When she told him to stop drinking "or else," she'd believe he had stopped, then find a hidden empty bottle and confront him, threatening consequences they both knew she wouldn't follow through on.
This anxious drama unfolded against the backdrop of the community they found in their church, where Laura was on staff. No one knew about John's drinking problem until a few years after it started, when Laura approached a trusted church member and shared her concern. The response essentially said, "If only you would be a better wife, John would drink less. If you would be kinder, love him better, respect him more, take better care of him. Be more submissive."
Laura took this advice to heart and worked hard to be a more appealing version of herself. She buried her own identity deeper than it had been before. And she still found the bottles and watched her husband stumble around the house and felt their marriage falling apart.
And their two children were watching it happen. Like all kids in families like theirs, they were caught in the conflicts that erupted between their parents. They were witnesses to their father's drunkenness and to their mother's porous boundaries. They were learning to function in the same ways.
Laura's son became quiet and adept at avoiding conflict. He learned to stay in his seat and keep from rocking the boat. Her daughter became a "people pleaser," concerned with making the people around her happy, no matter the cost.
Exasperated and grieving, Laura found her way to a counselor's office and poured out her heart, expressing her anger and her sense of betrayal. The counselor gave her a gift whose value she didn't recognize until later: She told her to go to Al-Anon (for those who have a family member or friend who struggle with alcoholism).
Laura's first response was, "But I'm not the problem." But she went anyway and sat through a meeting, assuming the others were people with problems she couldn't relate to. But as she listened, her heart cracked open and by the third meeting, she realized she had found her people. The power was in something very simple: people talked about their own problems and how to handle them. They didn't talk about other people's problems, and they didn't blame their own behavior on another person's addiction.
Slowly Laura began to learn the meaning of a new word: codependency. She recognized her own behavior patterns that actually reinforced her husband's addiction. "I was an active participant in our dysfunctional dance. Because I didn't have proper tools, I came up with various rules about his drinking that simply kept the cycle going and pushed it farther underground." She also began to realize that she was more comfortable being in pain and relational chaos than with the idea of peace and normalcy. She felt safer with what she knew. "I think I was unintentionally feeding the beast to keep it going, because I didn't know what I would do if I felt normal."
At Al-Anon, Laura's perspective shifted, and she started wanting something different. And as her mindset changed, she picked up a new set of tools she could use to recover.
A broadening definition
Laura's transformation began when she realized she was not alone. In fact, she's far from it. Codependency is so common, it's hard to define and many competing definitions exist.
Codependency is so common, it's hard to define.
Merriam-Webster defines codependency as "a psychological condition in which someone is in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship that involves living with and providing care for another person (such as a drug addict or an alcoholic)." This touches on the most classic context for this term and its point of origination: the addiction-recovery movement. When first defined, codependency described a person's emotional dependence on, or preoccupation with, another person's addiction. In fact, the term has its origins in Alcoholics Anonymous, referring to this observed phenomenon in families of alcoholics.
But the concept applies to other relationships too, and its definition has broadened to match. Jeff VanVonderen is an author, speaker, former pastor, and featured interventionist on the A&E network's documentary series Intervention. He agrees that addiction doesn't have to be part of the equation. He describes codependency as "when a person becomes another person's mood-altering substance," and "when someone else's problem becomes your problem and starts determining your life."
Co-Dependents Anonymous, founded in 1986, also looks beyond addiction for their definition. In fact, they offer "no definition or diagnostic criterion for codependence." They provide tools for people to self-identify as codependent and welcome anyone who shares a "desire for healthy and loving relationships."
Leslie Vernick, author of The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, acknowledges the concept is hard to define and describes it this way: "Codependency is when you need another person's love or approval in order to be OK. It's putting a person in the God position in your life."
And Teresa McBean, director of the National Association for Christian Recovery (NACR), calls codependency "overfunctioning, the seemingly inevitable response of other family members picking up the slack when members are underfunctioning."
The broadly accepted current definition of codependency is associated with a variety of characteristics and behaviors: among others, finding self-esteem in trying to fix someone else's problems, trying to control others' behavior, compulsively finding guidance in someone else's opinions rather than personal conscience or sense of calling, and saying yes to everything others ask for.
Addictions on the rise
In the 21st century, we are seeing an increase in the kinds of personal and societal strain that feed addiction and codependency, the toll demanded by a new way of life.
While substance abuse and addiction are nothing new, understanding and evidence of codependency have moved way beyond the arena of addiction recovery. And in the 21st century, we are seeing an increase in the kinds of personal and societal strain that feed addiction and codependency, the toll demanded by a new way of life. Facebook use is associated with increases in depression and dissatisfaction with life.[i] Pastoral burnout is at epidemic proportions, with 90 percent of pastors working more than 50 hours a week but feeling as if they can't ever do enough. Three-quarters of them report "severe stress causing anguish, worry, bewilderment, anger, depression, fear, and alienation." According to H. B. London's Pastors at Greater Risk, each month 1,500 pastors leave a ministry job because of burnout, unmanageable conflict, or moral failure. The professions most at risk for drug abuse, alcohol addiction, and suicide are doctors, lawyers, and clergy.[ii]
But it's not just our pastors who are affected. Mental illness has increased dramatically in recent decades, with a nearly 250-percent increase in disability from 1987 to 2007. During that same period, among children cases grew by almost 35 times![iii] During roughly the same 20-year period, Americans' use of antidepressant medication grew by nearly 400 percent.[iv]
It's not just our pastors who are affected. Mental illness has increased dramatically in recent decades, with a nearly 250-percent increase in disability from 1987 to 2007.
Add to that the fact that we have so many new ways to become addicted and develop into dysfunctional people. The Internet gives us easy access to pornography, gambling, virtual flirtations, prescription drug purchases, alarmist misinformation, and insular communities of strangers.
These problems are all highly correlated with addictive behaviors and dysfunctional patterns. And when you have addiction and relational dysfunction, you likely have codependency.
For Laura, recognizing codependency helped her see that she brought this into her marriage. "In a way," she says, "I started it because I was codependent before he had a drinking problem."
She now realizes, "I practically needed my husband to stay in his position of abusing alcohol. I reaped unhealthy benefits. For the few people who knew, I was pitied. I was seen as the stronger one, the more godly. I could use it, in my head, as an excuse. I was afraid of him really getting help."
Recovery ministries
The church has developed a growing awareness of codependency over the last 30 years. While no national ministry exists to help people overcome codependency, recovery ministries do address it.
One such organization is the National Association for Christian Recovery (NACR), which exists to encourage and support anyone focused on addictions and substance abuse in the Christian community: pastors, ministers, therapists, and support-group leaders directly tackling addiction. Teresa McBean, director, expresses frustration that "so many pastors and ministry leaders do not have a solid grasp on the concept of codependency." Her organization addresses this by working to bring pastors, therapists, and treatment professionals together to educate each other and form partnerships in helping families.
Another program focused on helpers is the Fuller Institute for Recovery Ministry. As director Dale Ryan puts it, "We are trying to produce some pastors who are not clueless about addictions." All Fuller's courses in recovery ministry are electives, but students can earn a degree with an emphasis in recovery ministry. As at other seminaries, most Fuller students graduate without much understanding in how to help addictive families. Sadly, Ryan claims, "Many graduates will struggle with the addictive process themselves, and many will serve in communities where addictions are the largest single problem."
About 10 years after Ryan's initial efforts at networking and support among Christian recovery ministries, Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, California, launched Celebrate Recovery, a support group of 45 people. The program has since blossomed into an international ministry with around 20,000 groups in churches located in all 50 states and 40 countries. Celebrate Recovery follows a classic support-group model, using the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and their own Celebrate Recovery Principles, based on Jesus' Beatitudes documented in Matthew 5. According to Scott Kemp, Celebrate Recovery State Representative for Illinois, what sets the program apart from other Twelve Step programs is that "we define the higher power: Jesus Christ."
Like the concept of codependency, Celebrate Recovery has its roots in chemical dependency but now serves people dealing with a variety of "hurts, habits, and hang-ups," including codependency. Small groups are always gender-specific, and in programs that are large enough, groups are issue-specific as well. Celebrate Recovery now provides family-ministry resources as well: two separate programs for children and teenagers.
Another program for young people is Confident Kids, a Christian support-group program for kids ages 4 to 12. The program emphasizes life-skills training and a biblical foundation for overcoming difficulties in home life.
Such national ministries, along with homegrown ones, are effectively addressing dependency through (and alongside) the local church. These are the groups most likely to address codependency within the Christian community, but because they are built with chemical dependency in mind, codependency receives secondary treatment. Kemp says Celebrate Recovery's "biggest issue is helping people understand what codependency is all about." And for those with codependency stemming from other relational issues (such as abuse, mental illness, and adultery), such programs may never come to mind as places to find help and support.
Many Christians find help in organizations that are not faith-based, such as Co-Dependents Anonymous and Al-Anon. But many would love to find Christian support specifically designed to help in overcoming codependency. Laura, who tried a Celebrate Recovery Group, stuck with Al-Anon because her Celebrate Recovery group didn't separate participants by issue. She felt less comfortable and understood in a group discussing their chemical dependency and other issues, than when she was with people who knew exactly what she was going through and how her life needed to change.
Some counselors are trained to address codependency, but they are largely operating outside the church and sometimes fighting destructive work done by churches who were trying to help, like Laura's church, who reinforced her codependency.
READ: "When Service is Selfish."
Amy Simpson is author of the award-winning Troubled Minds: Mental Illness and the Church's Mission (InterVarsity Press). She also serves as editor of Christianity Today's Gifted for Leadership, Senior Editor of Leadership Journal, a speaker, and a personal and professional Co-Active coach. You can find her at AmySimpsonOnline.com and on Twitter @aresimpson.
[i] "Facebook Is Bad for You: Get a Life!" The Economist (August 17, 2013), http://www.economist.com/news/science-and-technology/21583593-using-social-network-seems-make-people-more-miserable-get-life.
[ii] "Pastor Burnout Statistics," http://www.pastorburnout.com/pastor-burnout-statistics.html.
[iii] Bruce E. Levine, "How Our Society Breeds Anxiety, Depression and Dysfunction" Salon (August 26, 2013), http://www.salon.com/2013/08/26/how_our_society_breeds_anxiety_depression_and_dysfunction_partner/.
[iv] Peter Wehrwein, "Astounding Increase in Antidepressant Use by Americans," Harvard Health Blog (October 20, 2011), http://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/astounding-increase-in-antidepressant-use-by-americans-201110203624.
