Who Gets Our Church After a Dating Breakup?

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Q: A family from our small group seems to be drifting away from church. They said they were going to leave our group to focus on family time, but we aren’t seeing them on Sundays either, so we’re worried. Most of our group’s attempts to reach out as friends have been ignored. But the friendship was pretty new before all this, and we aren’t sure how long to keep pursuing them. —Anxious in Arkansas

Beth Moore: I enjoyed hearing from Arkansas, the beautiful land of my upbringing! I “heard” your letter in my accent.

What a wonderful small group you must have. Your concern for a family drifting away and your mention of outreach tells me volumes. People can feel invisible in their churches, and it’s good that you haven’t let that happen here.

I’m guessing most of what you’ve tried so far has been digital (texts, emails) and indirect (checking in, offering to get together). Think about mailing them a physical card directly expressing how missed they are. Ask the Lord to help you reach out in a way that is genuinely personal but not pressuring.

Be specific and think about the whole family, including any kids. A handwritten note expressing remembrance means even more to me when my family members are referenced by name. I know then that the sender truly had us on their mind.

If they respond, you may learn that the absence is temporary and for no other reason than the one offered. Then again, additional family concerns could be in the mix. It’s possible they’re not meaning to ignore you, just feeling overwhelmed or dealing with grief or other sorrow.

Prayer for any family is never wasted, so pray for God’s gracious hand over their lives whether or not you see them again at church. Bless y’all!

Illustration by Jack Richardson

Beth Moore and her husband, Keith, reside outside Houston. She has two daughters and an armful of grandchildren. Beth leads Living Proof Ministries, helping women know and love Jesus through Scripture.

Q: I’ve been attending my church for over a year. When I first started, I felt a call to vocational ministry, and I was close to the pastors and other teachers who helped me consider that calling. But recently, I don’t feel that call anymore, and it seems as though the pastors who once walked with me have distanced themselves because of that shift. Am I reading too much into this? —Melancholy in Mississippi

Kevin Antlitz: Most pastors get really excited about raising up aspiring ministers. One of the joys of pastoring is entrusting what we have learned to faithful disciples who will teach others also (2 Tim. 2:2).

It’s also true that pastors sometimes overlook their call to help disciples integrate their faith in all areas of life. Most disciples spend most of their waking time at work—whether as a stay-at-home mom or a plumber, as a student or a CEO—and a pastor’s job is to equip the saints for whatever work God has given them to do.

Sadly, pastors often “spend the majority of their time equipping Christians for the minority of their lives,” as I recently heard from Tom Nelson, a pastor and the founder of a ministry focused on vocation.

Still, while all of that is generally true, I don’t and can’t know if that’s why it seems like your pastors have distanced themselves. Rather than wonder about it, I encourage you to reach out. Start with the one with whom you’re closest, the one you trust has your best interest at heart. Send a gracious, nonaccusatory email sharing a bit about how you’re feeling and why you’d like to talk.

Hopefully this will be the start of a good conversation. Perhaps it will lead to your community expanding what they mean by “vocational ministry,” since all Christians are called to serve God and their neighbors.

Illustration by Jack Richardson

Kevin Antlitz is an Anglican priest at a Pittsburgh church positively overflowing with kids. He and his wife have three young children who they pray will never know a day apart from Jesus.

Q: Is it silly to leave a church because of a breakup? One time, I broke up with someone in my Bible study, and he dated another girl in the group. Another time, I was seriously dating a guy—we had discussed getting engaged—but we had a bad split. My mom asked, “Who gets the church in your ‘divorce’?” She was just joking, but it’s a serious question for me. —Confused in California

Kiara John-Charles: Breakups are a common and painful reality, including in the church. But a failed relationship doesn’t mean you need to lose your church community. So first I encourage you to process this decision with God in prayer, as his peace will guard your heart (Phil. 4:6–7).

What is your main reason for thinking about leaving your church? Breakups can stir up heightened emotions like shame and awkwardness, but they’re simply part of the dating process.

True, there are situations where leaving is necessary to prioritize your mental health. If seeing an ex is causing significant distress, it may be wise—after prayerful discernment with faithful friends—to take a break from that church or find a new community to provide a safe space for healing.

But most of the time, in an ordinary breakup, it’s better not to bolt. There are healthier ways to navigate that awkwardness and remain in your congregation.

Establishing boundaries will be key, and you and your ex may need to discuss how to be cordial but distant. That could mean joining a different small group, attending an alternate service, or sitting in a different section. Over time, the sting of the breakup may lessen, allowing you to share the same spaces more comfortably.

Though wanting to leave is understandable, staying connected is paramount during difficult times. At my church, we say, “We suffer in isolation, but we heal in community.” After a breakup, community is even more important than usual.

Illustration by Jack Richardson

Kiara John-Charles is an LA native with Caribbean roots and a love for travel and food. She works as a pediatric occupational therapist and serves at her local church in Long Beach, California.

This article appeared in the March/April 2025 issue of Christianity Today as "Qualms & Proverbs".

Qualms & Proverbs: Got a question for CT’s advice columnists? Email advice@christianitytoday.com. Queries may be edited for brevity and clarity.