Q: A group of us used to go out to eat after church, but we realized some can’t afford it—not even cheaper options.We started doing bring-your-own (BYO) picnics, but that requires more planning and work, especially in colder months. It feels impossible to talk about this openly. What should we do? —Nervy in New York
Beth Moore: I’m a big proponent of fellowship meals with other church members! Keith and I often have lunch with friends after worship service, and it somehow enriches our entire church experience, so I hope you will keep trying options until you find one that works. Here are a few ideas:
- Do you have a shopping mall food court in proximity to your church where you could pull tables together? It would provide multiple price ranges and wouldn’t impose restrictions on BYO.
- Have you looked into restaurants where kids eat free? This would be particularly helpful for larger families.
- Have you thought about rotating houses for BYO lunch? Or the host could provide a very simple sandwich, chips, and cookies meal. With even four couples or families, each would host only once a month, so the burden wouldn’t be especially heavy. You could also make a pact for a hard stop (perhaps an hour?) so hosts are not overwhelmed. (At my house, we lost our mood if we lost our Sunday afternoon nap.)
- Last, have you thought about gathering only on the first and third Sundays of each month, cutting the cost or hosting effort in half?
Hang in there until you find something that works. Fellowship with other church members is such a large part of what makes church feel like family!
Beth Moore and her husband, Keith, reside outside Houston. She has two daughters and an armful of grandchildren. Beth leads Living Proof Ministries, helping women know and love Jesus through Scripture.
Q: One family in our church doesn’t seem to discipline their young son effectively. He’s hitting other kids at church, and while the parents say they’re dealing with it, nothing has changed. We and other families want our kids to stay away from their son, at least until he stops hitting. What should we do? —Frustrated in Florida
Kevin Antlitz: If I’m understanding you correctly, it sounds like a group of parents are talking about this frustrating situation and, essentially, colluding to ostracize this family. If that’s right, then I think this is wrong.
Look: I like the Puritans as much as anybody, but this feels way too Scarlet Letter-y for me. Though I’m sure you all don’t intend it this way, that approach could feel passive-aggressive, even cruel.
Rather than shunning them, I’d encourage a different approach. I’d start by trying to imagine what it feels like to be them. If my kid were the hitter, I’d feel embarrassed, ashamed, and frustrated. Then think about what might be helpful for you.
Why not try to have a gentle, compassionate, and direct conversation with the parents? Try to empathize with them. I’m sure you know parenting is hard, and it’s not always clear what to do. Share your concerns. Maybe even share what’s worked for you. (When our kids hit, we remind them that hands are for helping, not for hurting.) Even if you’ve already done this, why not give it one more go?
The children may also figure things out on their own. In my experience with my own kids, hitting has natural consequences. Kids don’t like to be hit. If a kid is a hitter, my kids will try to avoid being in the swing zone.
This all may end up with you needing to draw a clear boundary with the family. But this is a much better way to do it than collective ghosting.
Kevin Antlitz is an Anglican priest at a Pittsburgh church positively overflowing with kids. He and his wife have three children under ten, whom they pray will never know a day apart from Jesus.
Q: I’m in my church’s young adults group, which isn’t very big. I recently matched with one of the women in the group on a dating app, but it’s been a few weeks and the app hasn’t connected us, so I’m wondering if she didn’t want to match with me. Should I say something? We see each other weekly. —Apprehensive in Alabama
Kiara John-Charles: The wonderful world of dating apps can be both intriguing and challenging. It can create confusion as we interpret every single stroke of the keyboard—or lack thereof.
I can’t help but wonder why, if you were genuinely interested in this young woman from your young adults group, you didn’t ask her out in person. It raises the question of whether your interest is genuine or influenced by the dating app context. Would you have considered pursuing her if you hadn’t come across her profile on the app?
With that in mind, consider that several scenarios might have unfolded here: It’s possible that the dating algorithm worked against you, that she never saw your profile and is still unaware of the match. Alternatively, she might have seen your profile and felt awkward about encountering a familiar face, opting to swipe left out of sheer embarrassment or personal preference.
To gain clarity, consider expressing your interest in getting to know her; it will provide insight into where you stand with her. If you are genuinely interested in dating this woman of God, take a chance and make your intentions clear.
The worst-case scenario is that she declines, leaving you with a bruised ego. However, taking a leap and asking her out for coffee could lead to a deeper connection within your young adult community. Whether it turns romantic or develops into a new friendship, it’s an opportunity to explore and discover shared interests.
Kiara John-Charles is an LA native with Caribbean roots and a love for travel and food. She works as a pediatric occupational therapist and serves at her local church in Long Beach, California.
Got a question for CT’s advice columnists? Email advice@christianitytoday.com. Queries may be edited for brevity and clarity.
This article appeared in the September/October 2024 issue of Christianity Today as "Qualms & Proverbs".
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