Families Use Our Church to Get into Private School. What Do I Do?

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Q: I’m a staunch egalitarian, but many members of my church family lean complementarian. I read a lot to better understand the biblical basis of what I believe, and I want to avoid confirmation bias, but reading arguments for complementarianism fills me with dread. Do I need to look at both sides even when I feel firm in what I believe? —Wary in Wisconsin

Karen Swallow Prior: The more strongly we hold a conviction, the more we are obligated to be knowledgeable about it. The issue you’ve raised here is one on which you feel strongly, but it’s also a question about which Christians have disagreed across church history, including within evangelicalism.

Many individual Christians and denominations have changed their views about women’s roles over the years. For example, I know of one prominent Christian who began as an outspoken egalitarian, then called women’s roles a secondary issue, and then called complementarianism an essential matter of biblical commitment.

Moreover, the categories of egalitarian and complementarian as used today only date back to the 1980s, and that period has brought numerous nuances, clarifications, and subcategories. None is infallible.

In general, this debate should be handled with charity and humility—and with an eye focused more on church history than on today’s constantly evolving postures. For you specifically, I’d advise considering how much these questions come up in your local church life.

If you’re debating the issue intensely or often, you should probably be well-read to be able to speak graciously and thoroughly. But if the topic isn’t of high interest to others in your church and you continue to be content to worship alongside complementarians, your present knowledge may suffice.

Illustration by Jack Richardson

Karen Swallow Prior lives in rural Virginia with her husband, two dogs, and several chickens. Following a decades-long vocation as an English professor, Karen now speaks and writes full-time

Q: I coordinate a children’s ministry at my town’s only Anglican church. Nearby, there’s a private school for Anglican girls, and I’ve long seen families attend our church a year or so before their daughter would enroll. The child gets baptized, but then the families often disappear. I’ve told myself I should welcome a chance for evangelism and discipleship, but I find myself suspicious of families who turn up with a daughter of a certain age. I’m sick of feeling used but then feel guilty about feeling that! What should I do? —Not Sure in New Zealand

Kevin Antlitz: I think most of us who work in churches can relate to how you feel.

My initial response to you was to strategize ways to stop this: Maybe you could require families to be part of your church longer before baptism or sync up with the school to ask for institutional changes.

But as I sat with your situation, I found myself softening. As frustrating as it is to feel like a box being checked, I encourage you to focus on the opportunity here.

Maybe most of the families really are using the church solely to get their kids into this school. But that still means they’re with you for a year. This is a chance to love freely, without condition. What might it look like to more intentionally support these families? They may still check out after a while, but that’s not something you can control.

So much of ministry is sowing seeds. As we partner with others in sharing the gospel and discipling, the Lord gives the growth (1 Cor. 3:6). Or he doesn’t. We can only sow and water.

Instead of trying to insulate yourself from being used, spend your time and energy doing what you can to help these girls and their families experience the love of God in your church. Maybe, at the end of the year, they’ll no longer be able to imagine life apart from your community.

Illustration by Jack Richardson

Kevin Antlitz is an Anglican priest at a Pittsburgh church positively overflowing with kids. He and his wife have three young children who they pray will never know a day apart from Jesus.

Q: I have a friend who is thinking about dating a guy, but they live in separate states. He’s visiting her and staying at her place overnight. I know they won’t sleep together, but it still feels a little weird to me. Should I say anything to her as her friend? What does “living above reproach” really mean? —Ill at Ease in Indiana

Kiara John-Charles: Scripture discusses “living above reproach” as a responsibility of church leaders (1 Tim. 3:2; Titus 1:6), but those leaders are an example for all believers. As Christians, our lives are a witness to those around us, and even the appearance of wrongdoing can hurt our witness or lead others astray (Matt. 18:6–7).

An overnight stay can also lead to future compromise because of the comfort and intimacy this experience may establish outside of marriage. Without clear boundaries, we can overestimate our ability to resist temptation as desire naturally deepens when we become close emotionally and physically (1 Cor. 6:18).

As a friend once told me, “Your body will betray you” in these moments if you are not on your guard, relying on the help of the Spirit (1 Cor. 10:13).

Boundaries are important in dating relationships, and godly friendships are a beautiful gift in the life of a believer and can offer accountability and wisdom (Prov. 27:17). So it’s worth asking your friend why this potential suitor needs to stay with her overnight. Why hasn’t he sought other options, like a guest room at another friend’s home?

There are plenty of reasons this plan is unwise, and you may be able to encourage her to set boundaries against temptation, helping her avoid unintended consequences or moral compromise.

Illustration by Jack Richardson

Kiara John-Charles is an LA native with Caribbean roots and a love for travel and food. She works as a pediatric occupational therapist and serves at her local church in Long Beach, California.

This article appeared in the September/October 2025 issue of Christianity Today as "Qualms & Proverbs".

Qualms & Proverbs: Got a question for CT’s advice columnists? Email advice@christianitytoday.com. Queries may be edited for brevity and clarity.