A new national study suggests that the trend toward cohabiting continues its forward march for young adults, many of whom still expect to marry someday.
More than three-quarters of 20- to 24-year-olds in the U.S. said they believe that “love, fidelity, and making a lifelong commitment are very important to a successful relationship.” Women, predictably, aspire to marriage at significantly higher rates than men. Perhaps less predictably, married young adults tend to have negative views of living together with no intent to marry, even though (or perhaps because) more than half of them have cohabited themselves.
In 2008, the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University published “Cohabitation, Marriage and Child Well-being,” a report in which sociologist David Popenoe traces the history of cohabitation back through the sexual revolution. He concludes,
It should be obvious … that in an era of relatively unrestricted premarital sex, women in the work place, delayed marriage, and high marital breakup, there is a profound logic – almost an inevitability – about the practice of living together before marriage. What are the alternatives?
Either marriage at a young age (not a good idea because, among other reasons, it limits access to higher education and is associated with a much higher risk of divorce), no sex before marriage (hard to imagine reinstituting this social norm across the population), or ‘sleeping around’ rather than living with one sex partner (not good for a variety of reasons). It seems likely, therefore, that non-marital cohabitation is a practice that is not going away anytime soon.
Popenoe, former co-chair of the Council on Families in America, and author most recently of Families Without Fathers, doesn’t view this state of affairs as neutral. Not only is cohabitation demonstrably bad for children, he says, “Cohabiting partners tend to have a weaker sense of couple identity, less willingness to sacrifice for the other, and a lower desire to see the relationship go long term. This holds true even in nations where cohabitation has become common and institutionalized.”
Popenoe’s conclusions corroborate those of a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology this February. It found that cohabiting couples often end up marrying for all the wrong reasons, such as a joint lease and shared ownership of household items.
Popenoe sees little hope of reversing the trend apart from “a broad cultural shift, reflected in the hearts and minds of the citizenry.”
If what precedes marriage for many young adults is parental divorce, hooking up, and casual cohabitation, how will this broad cultural shift emerge? It is only through a sacramental view of sex and marriage that young adults have any hope of achieving and maintaining love, fidelity, and lifelong commitment. Failed marriages, while they adhere to a structure of fidelity, often betray the substance of their calling. The commitment one makes before God and community consists of far more than a pact to stay together; it is a proactive commitment to love in the face of everything. Learning to love chastely before marriage strengthens the footing upon which a healthy union is built.
As Christians, we should look upon the cohabiting trend with sadness, but also as an opportunity for the gospel. The pain of failed relationships cries out for the healing touch of Christ. To the wounded, Jesus would say, “I am willing. Be healed. Now go, and sin no more.”
