Grady Smith is on line one for you, Todd,” announced my secretary. Grady never called to complain, criticize, or bare the depths of his soul—that wasn’t his style. Grady usually called for one reason—golf.
“Todd,” he said, “several guys are traveling down to Jekyll Island next month for a four-day golf outing. We have a spot open and wondered if you’d like to go?”
Wow! I felt like a candidate who had just won an election—thrilled to have been chosen, yet wondering how I was going to carry out the plan.
Getting away for 18 holes was hard enough. How in the world would I manage to leave town for four days, just to have fun? I wondered. What if a church member dies?
Whatever happened, I was glad to hear from Grady. I needed a break, and it would be good to spend some time with Grady and a few other guys outside my usual circles.
It takes work for ministers to have friends.
Staying out of the traps
Grady’s call indicates a shift in my thinking since I started in the pastorate nearly 13 years ago. At first, virtually all of my close friends were fellow ministers. I was young, inexperienced, insecure, and always ready to talk “shop.” Those relationships proved valuable. I received helpful advice, and I forged friendships that remain today.
But in time I grew frustrated with keeping only pastor-friends. I grew stagnant, as three problems routinely surfaced:
- The competition trap. Too often, I felt a sense of inadequacy, even jealousy, as others gave glowing reports of their work. Conversations slid into statistical sand traps, as we discussed our attendance, offerings, and altar call responses.It reminds me of a fable in Steve Seamands’s book, A Conversation with Jesus. As the devil was crossing the Libyan desert, he came upon some frustrated junior devils who were tempting a saintly Desert Father.First they enticed him with lustful thoughts. When that didn’t work, they tried to fill his mind with doubts and fears about his relationship with God. Then they raised questions about the sincerity of his sacrificial lifestyle. Each time, they failed.Then the devil himself stepped in. “Your methods are much too crude,” he said. “Permit me for a moment.”Approaching the Desert Father he said, “Have you heard the news? Your brother has just been made Bishop of Alexandria.” Almost immediately, a scowl of jealousy broke across the saintly man’s face.
- The murmuring trap. Negativity also quenched the nurturing I so desperately craved. Someone, it seemed, was always at odds with a cranky church member.I was no exception.I’ve bored and burdened my colleagues with my complaints. I remember years ago getting together for lunch with a pastor who had moved into town. A few minutes into the conversation, he grew edgy and began glancing at his watch. At the time, I took this as rudeness and insincerity. Looking back, I’m sure he had enough problems of his own without taking on mine.In his book Into the Depths of God, Calvin Miller recalls meetings that took place between him and a minister friend during difficult days as church planters. “We found our conversation often turning into joint pity parties,” he admitted. “We’d lick each others’ wounds and say, ‘Ain’t life awful?'”
- The dogma trap. In my early years, many of my fellow pastors became backroom vigilantes over the latest church conflicts and scandals. Pastors who typically exuded compassion and gentleness instead grew mean-spirited as they lashed out at perceived violations of Scripture. One battle broke out when it was discovered that a minister’s wife had been ordained for a counseling position. On another occasion, a pastor friend was accosted for “having coffee with the moderates.”Such polarization caused me to depend less on ministers for camaraderie and to desire deeper relationships with lay people. But could I find such a friendship? And in my own church?
Finding friends “in-house”
Arriving at our current church, my wife and I looked forward to owning a home for the first time in 16 years of marriage. Finding very little to choose from in our small town, we decided to build.
I discussed our dream with Shirley, a participant in one of our weekday prayer groups.
“I’m not trying to drum up business or anything,” she replied, “but Charles would probably build you one.” Charles, her husband, augments his land surveying business by building houses.
Agreeing on terms, we began looking for a location. I remember driving down a county road with Charles in his pickup.
“Have you considered building on the Edwards property?”he said.
“Edwards property? I don’t know about any Edwards property.”
His knowledge of the area and connections with the local people allowed us to buy a bigger, more suitable lot for less money than another one we were considering.
I can still smell the aroma of fresh coffee as we studied plans around Charles and Shirley’s kitchen table. We discussed design options deep into the night.
Months later, on the evening before we moved in, Shirley cleaned the windows, cabinets, and counters. The next day she provided chips, drinks, and sandwiches for everyone who helped us move in.
We still get together for dinner with Charles and Shirley when our schedules allow. And Shirley is quick to remember our anniversary, birthdays, and other special occasions.
I suppose tackling such a project with church members might be dangerous in some situations, but working together forged a bond between us.
Friendship foundations
Fraternizing with members has its dangers. We risk losing our effectiveness by becoming too transparent. Some people grow distant or jealous if we pay too much attention to others. Those we grow close to can sometimes turn on us. And I’ve discovered first-hand the need to exercise caution with those who come on strong at the beginning of a new ministry.
Yet, my positive experiences far outweigh the negative. With the help of these guidelines, I’ve discovered that lay friendships can be fulfilling:
- Sacrifice pressing duties for personal relationships. I heard about a minister who ran into a friend he hadn’t seen for a long time. The friend asked him, “What have you been doing for the last 15 years?”The pastor responded, “Getting ready for Sunday.”We often get so bogged down with administration, preparation, and visitation that relationship building gets shoved aside. The duties will remain until tomorrow. The opportunity to cultivate a friendship may not.
- Look outside the church, too. I recently spotted the husband of one of our faithful members sitting alone at a soccer game. (He didn’t attend our church regularly.) I sat next to him, and we shared a quality conversation that never could have taken place in the church.I met a minister recently who cultivates rapport by spending time each week at a local gym. Such places allow us to meet new people naturally. Coffee shops, sporting events, and the golf course provide excellent atmosphere for relationship building.
- Ask God to lead you to the right people. With the recent rave over Jabez and his bold petition, I’ve asked God to “enlarge my territory,” too. God has answered my request by bringing me into contact with new people and fresh opportunities-like the golf outing. I went. We had a blast! We even gathered for prayer on the beach one morning as the sun poked its way into the day.Since then, we’ve established a Bible study in the clubhouse of our local golf course. Several of those who have attended rarely, if ever, go to church.My bond with pastors remains important to me. But I’m grateful I’ve learned to befriend lay people, even those in my own congregation. God has used both groups of friends to mature me, enrich my life, and increase his Kingdom—as well as lower my golf score.
Copyright © 2003 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
