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And you'll also be hard pressed to find a decent review of Pearl Harbor.

A few critics in the religious media seem to think the movie is worth seeing. Preview's anonymous critic calls it "An inspiring and patriotic production." Most critics, though, were offended by the way the film turns a very serious, tragic, and sickening event into an entertaining "good time." The Dove Foundation's Holly McClure disagrees: "The incredible script by Randall Wallace, gorgeous scenery, wonderful period costumes, stirring musical score by Hans Zimmer and incredible cast make this a spectacular ode to American history that simply shouldn't be missed by anyone. It is the first serious Oscar contender this year."

The war scenes certainly made an impression on the critic at Christian Spotlight on the Movies: "Amazing special effects and plenty of time spent on this really make it work. And oh, the tragedy that war brings. Up close and personal we see hundreds of charred and shattered bodies, some in the water and others on land. Once the attack is over and we survey the damage, the sadness is gripping. War really is hell."

But a discerning viewer will demand more than realistic warfare onscreen—Is all of this spectacle edifying in some way? Is there any redeeming value to this storytelling? Tom Neven of Focus on the Family poses the question this way: "Do the overall historical messages of courage, loyalty and sacrifice fully compensate? No. Swim carefully in this harbor. Entertainment Zeros are lurking." The Vancouver Courier's Peter T. Chattaway writes that Bay "is a fidgety, impatient director, who cut his teeth making music videos and commercials aimed at an audience of short attention spans, and he doesn't seem interested in letting a scene unfold at a slow or natural pace if there's a way to give the audience an extra jolt." He concludes: "It's no wonder the posters for this film are modeled after wartime propaganda. This is the sort of movie that makes going to war look cool."

You won't find any critics unimpressed with the special effects of the film's 40-minute attack sequence. But David Ansen at Newsweek feels the movie's dullsville story robs these scenes of their necessary gravity. "Ninety minutes into this massive movie the attack commences, and the spectacular images come hurtling like fireballs [and] go directly to your central nervous system," he writes. "But Bay isn't making a movie about war's horror. It's more like a roller-coaster ride. Superbly marketed, Pearl Harbor is the very model of a modern blockbuster. Will it matter that almost nothing about its human drama rings true?" Similarly, Michael Wilmington of the Chicago Tribune states, "Unfortunately, pasted around that stunning [action] sequence is a story so clogged with cliches of every description, so overblown, bombastic and agonizingly sentimental that it's hard to watch it with a straight face." Robert Wilonsky of New Times Los Angeles says bluntly, "Pearl Harbor's sound and fury signify nothing but a new kind of war porn." And Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times calls it "a love story of stunning banality. The film has been directed without grace, vision or originality, and although you may walk out quoting lines of dialogue, it will not be because you admire them." My personal favorite response was also quite brief: "Two of the three longest movies we've ever sat through" (Chuck Schwartz of Cranky Critic). Jeffrey Wells at Reel.com, who also panned the film, admitted: "Let's be frank: A Mormon Tabernacle Choir chorus of lousy reviews wouldn't stop even the most cynical among us from wanting to see it."

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May (Web-only) 2001, Vol. 45