My Perfect Life with Anorexia
The first time I admitted to myself that I had an eating disorder, I was eating raw spinach straight out of the container. As I wondered how many calories it contained—10, to be precise—and how long I would have run in order to "undo" my meal, it occurred to me: This is not normal.
As a highly driven, perfectionistic person, I never admitted that I was struggling. On the outside, I never let it show; I was editor-in-chief of the newspaper, passed honors classes with As—and I ate less than 1,000 calories a day. I thought I was standing out. In reality, I was isolated.
I was starving for love—and I am not the only one.
For high-achieving young women in intellectually rigorous academic programs, eating disorders offer a coping mechanism for stress and anxiety—beyond normal responses to insecurities, says Donna Aldridge, a professional counselor who works at the Wheaton College Counseling Center.
And it is a weighty issue to balance one's worth against physical appearance or academic achievements. For Christian women, God calls us to something greater than a life of balancing scales; God calls us to place the full weight of our struggles on the promises of Scripture. In God, we are more than any number - either our weight or our grade-point averages - can define.
Yet, even on Christian college campuses, disordered eating is unfortunately prevalent, Aldridge says. According to the National Institute for Mental Health, the average age of onset for a formally diagnosed eating disorder, which counselors distinguish from disordered eating, is 19 to 20 years old—and religion appears not to be a factor in prevalence.
"An eating disorder steps over the line," Aldridge said. "It becomes an all-inclusive obsession where it eats up the whole person."
As I found out, anorexia nervosa is more than salad for dinner "to lose five pounds" or fear of eating cake. The disorder, which is truly mental, is, despite common beliefs, not a fear of food; it is an obsession with food, not a choice, but a compulsion to eat perfectly, or eat nothing at all.
For me, anorexia began as a desire to eat more healthfully, but I quickly became preoccupied with food. I tallied calorie counts in the margins of my class notes, counting over and over again. I worked out obsessively and planned elaborate, weeklong meal schedules, only to settle for salad every time. Sometimes I would slip up and binge—horrifying, thoughtless eating rampages—and immediately regret every bite. I lived in constant fear that each meal would be the one that triggered a binge—or worse: that it would be my last. In any case, I could focus all of my brainpower on those miniscule calories, rather than on the uncontrollable world around me.
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Tyesha Tuggle
I would admonish all who read this story to ready 1 Peter 3:3-4, in any translation because the word of God will never change, it will never loose it's meaning.
faithann
I think it's pretty clear that super skinny models don't cause anorexia, nor do Barbie dolls. It appears, we're all born with a set of neurons that act one way or another in determining our obsessions and the severity with which we act on them. I rejoice that Melissa has found the help she needs.
Victoria Taylor
Hello all, I wanted to say thank you for this story. So many girls are suffering because of the world's influence. The average woman is not a size 2, I've found that out very on. The world puts more emphasis on the outward appearance, but God focuses on the heart. He made each and everyone of us, and he did a very good job, it's not until we look at ourselves in the mirror and say, "I'm dissatisfied" that we start to harm ourselves. I would admonish all who read this story to ready 1 Peter 3:3-4, in any translation because the word of God will never change, it will never loose it's meaning. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in Gods sight." I'm on a mission right now, and I need your help to get this message out. I've started a Nonprofit Organization called Inner Beauty Ministries, we hold conferences and we tell these young ladies, exactly what the world of God says about them we add nothing to it or take anything away from it. I on the other hand grew up thinking I was ugly, and I wanted to gain weight because people told me I was too skinny. Imagine a 15 year old girl trying to fatten herself up just to feel loved. Everyone wants to be loved, and they are harming themselves in the process. If the devil can make us women feel unloved, and not beautiful he can get us to do anything under the sun. There are other girls suffering out there in the worst way, and we need to reach them. If you would like help us visit the website at http://innerbeautyministries.webs.com. We need your involvement, influence, mentorship and or sponsorship. I'm just apart of the body, and can only be part of the solution. We need you Sincerely, Victoria Taylor
Evelyne Hitt
In my struggle to earn love, I lost my grip on my spiritual identity, sinking into a universe of food rules, depression, and shame.
Kelsey
Thank you for sharing so much. I'm thankful that the Lord pulled you out of the prison of ED!!! I was anorexic as well when God found me and showed me a life much better; one with Him. You're right, we'll still wrestle with this throughout our life on this dying world. But... 1 John 3:2 Beloved, we are now God's children; it is not yet disclosed what we shall be thereafter, but we know that when He comes, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him just as He is. And He will be glorious! Anorexia pulls our gaze away from Him and focuses us on ourselves. Thank God for the Holy Spirit and the Word of God to fight this stupid, irrational disease. Praise Him that He helps us surrender to Him; He holds our hand every step of the way. Live Jesus.
JANE HINRICHS
Eating disorders are traps, awful mind-caging traps. I first put myself on a diet when I was 9 years old, 4th grade. I wasn't and never have been a perfectionist kind of person. I just was so afraid to be fat for in the environment I grew up in there was an unspoken message that I would be loved if I was thin but I wouldn't be loved if I was chubby. Now, i wasn't chubby at all at 9. I was probably quite little. But from that age I was so afraid no one would love me. In junior high I taped the number 120 on my mirror to frighten me into not eating -- what a horrendous heavy that would be I told myself. The exercise started in high school to combat whatever I ate. For lunch I would bring my own, pack a grape...Yes, one grape. When I got to college I was proud in a way (in my despair) my sophomore year because I got so thin. One of my relatives gushed over my thinness. But I couldn't escape my mind and all the mind speak of what I could and could not eat. That year I accepted Christ. What a wonder that was and is! It would take God six more years to free me from that prison in my mind. I am 44 now and I still remember what it felt like to be caged within when it came to food and diet. To not be free in our minds is awful and it isn't what God wants for His children --- whatever the obsession is. So many people are border-lined obsessed about food. So many are always trying to lose those last 10 pounds -- constantly counting calories and such. That isn't freedom. That is bondage. This is such an important topic because this problem can be hidden if a person's appearance doesn't change too drastically. And even if it does thin is always in and so some may even out of envy not say anything because they wish they were that thin. Get free if this is you. There is freedom in Christ. Nothing should imprison your mind. Nothing.
KAREN SWALLOW PRIOR
Like Marlena, I work with college students and find your honest insights into your struggles extremely helpful. Thank you!
Ana
The alarmingly increasing number of EDs in young pre-adolescent children is bringing light to what causes EDs. My daughter was DX with restrictive anorexia at age 9. She wanted to eat healthy and not eat junk food (because that is what she had been taught was good). This was not about control, being thin or a coping mechanism. She simply stopped eating junk food and quickly lost weight. This biological action caused the mental illness. A few months later, she was a full blown anorexic with fear of fat and food. We followed a therapy called Maudsley/Family Based Therapy, which basically addresses the biology of the illness and refeeds the patient first. Once she gained weight to her normal point, the anorexic thoughts started fading away. It took about 2 years for the illness to completely go into remission. Today, she is 16 years old and has been completely free of ED and ED thougths for 3 years. God did an amazing healing work in her life.
Alicia
Thank you for your willingness to share your story. As believers we can put such a heavy yoke on ourselves never realizing that God is not expecting us to perform. Legalism has invaded the church causing so many to lose sight of God's unconditional acceptance.. His heart must be breaking. Anorexia is only one symptom of a much bigger problem. If we hide behind a facade of being able to do it all..or feel like we can't let anyone know our deepest struggles.. we can all end up trapped in some type of unhealthy behavior. Jesus came to set the captives free and He is still doing it. I continue to be surprised at how many people are unwilling to get the help they need.. it is very sad. The Holy spirit is the Counselor.. and some of us act in that role to help others move into greater freedom and receive God's love in a deeper way. I'm so glad you were able to get counseling and begin the process of moving forward into a more abundant life. I know God will continue to use you and your story as you trust Him! Blessings, Alicia
Paul Coneff
Thank you for sharing your journey - and for helping others. Those core beliefs about needing to earn love, instead of being lovable for who God created you to be are often the 'root' issues, behind the behavior or 'fruit' of trying to be perfect and/or using food to be perfect. As a licensed Marriage and Family therapist, I share with others who Satan' is the 'father of LIES' (John 8:44), and the one whispering to us that we are not lovable, that we have to earn love etc. setting us up to be hurt, knowing that shame, depression and isolation will follow, reinforcing the whole pattern. As we also share how Christ was "made like us in EVERY way," suffered like us and tempted like us in EVERY way, (Heb. 2:17-18; 4:15), and how He was attacked at the core of HIS identity in the wilderness, along with being tempted to trust in His own power to turn stone into bread, HE knows what we've gone through. And HE has also identified with us, so HE can offer us HIS victory. I've seen a lot of healing and freedom take place as God renews our hearts and minds as we identify with Christ identifying with us, in the area of anorexia, bulimia, girls cutting themselves etc. along with all the performance issues involved. We have one testimony of a girl who was throwing up at the sight of food on our website..with many other experiences like this. Thank you for offering hope to others, hope that they can that they can share their stories and be heard... hope that they can receive help from others who have walked in their shoes, including Jesus, our Lord and Savior. www.straight2theheart.com Trusting in the simple - yet supernatural power of Jesus, our Suffering Messiah, connecting HIS-story with our story. Sincerely, Paul Coneff
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