Stan and Jean are Christians who have been married for ten years. They have two children and sexual conflicts.
Jean: “You don’t hold me and tell me you love me—all you want is sex.”
Stan: “You have no sexual desire. It seems like if I didn’t ask for it, our sex life would be zero.” And off they go.
Stan and Jean love each other and want a close, fulfilled marriage, so they decide to get some help.
“We can’t talk to our minister; what would he think?”
“We can’t go to a Christian psychologist; we’re not crazy!”
Stan and Jean may represent the dilemma of many Christian couples.
Problems with sexual adjustment in marriage are so common that perhaps 50 percent of all patients a physician sees are experiencing them.
The “sexual revolution” has developed a “hyper,” openly stimulated society. Dress (braless), television (jiggle shows), movies (R- and X-rated), advertising, and music are overtly sexual. It is difficult to find a popular magazine with no article on sexual conflict. The teen-ager’s goodnight kiss has turned into full sexual involvement. Sex has become an end in itself, and relationship has been replaced by technical excellence in sexual performance.
Rape, divorce, open homosexuality, venereal disease, and extramarital affairs have increased markedly. The census bureau estimates that over one million unmarried couples live together, a 600 percent increase in the last ten years.
Out of this has come a cry from the Christian consumer for literature to deal with this societal pressure. Even if their sexual problems are not extremely complicated, married couples need the fullness that is available to them. The key word is pressure: pressure to make some sense out of sexuality and sexual needs; pressure to make some sense out of changing male and female roles and the subsequent problems with sexual identity.
Christians are now beginning to deal openly with their sexuality. But they are feeling the pressure for instant solutions that would lead to total sexual bliss. As Lewis Smedes says, “Some Christians feel that their sexuality is nature’s strongest competitor for their loyalty to Christ. ‘You cannot love God and sex.’ ” Many Christian writers have come forward to deal with such problems.
The Christian books they write may be the Christian public’s only source of information. On one hand, the church as a whole has refused to face this challenge, leaving it to the school. On the other hand, the public school is not allowed to teach sex education from a biblically based, moral perspective.
We will survey individually some popular Christian books, make a synthesis of their teaching, and see what additional emphases are needed. For simplicity, the books are divided into three categories: developing positive attitudes towards sexuality, value clarification, and explanation of anatomy and sexual techniques.
Positive Attitudes
Books in this category are usually written in an entertaining style. They aim at the couple with a basically well-adjusted marriage, but who could use a little help in their relationship. Marabel Morgan is the best-known author in this class (The Total Woman and Total Joy, Revell). She writes from an essentially biblical perspective, encouraging a woman to be creative in developing her relationship with her husband. Sample advice: “Thrill him at the door with a frilly nightie and high heels.” Morgan does not deal with severe sexual problems, but rather with marriage enrichment.
In a lighthearted and understanding tone, Charles and Martha Shedd handle a variety of situations before and after marriage, using letters from clients and friends (Celebration in the Bedroom, Word). The Shedds emphasize honest communication, and they give an overview of potential problems to help a couple take stock of their relationship.
Among the plethora of women’s books, Dean Merrill’s The Husband Book (Zondervan) is a unique offering. Merrill draws freely from the entire Christian community and even quotes Juan Ortiz. He is not afraid to cite sound secular sources when appropriate as he develops a better understanding of the husband’s role in the household. He treads the difficult path between the rigid authoritarian role and the abdication of responsibility. He stresses that the husband needs to relate to his wife from the strength of a conscious decision to serve. The marriage bed “may be one of the more difficult situations in which we are called upon to serve, given our Western macho traditions of sexual conquest.”
Value Clarification
This is the heart of the issue, the essential difference between Christian and non-Christian views of sexuality. The Christian has a well-defined value system based on biblical principles, while most non-Christians are tossed about in a sea of emotionally based situational ethics.
A few Christian authors deal primarily with this aspect of sexuality. Gary Collins has edited a collection of articles that touches briefly on a variety of sexual themes in our society today. The title, however, The Secrets of Our Sexuality, is misleading as the book is simply a discussion of how contemporary sexual values relate to Christianity. Sorry, no secrets.
Josh McDowell (with Paul Lewis) discusses the philosophical aspects of sex in singles’ lingo. Givers, Takers, and Other Kinds of Lovers (Tyndale) is in touch with the current moral conflicts young people (and older ones, too) face today. He offers such practical hints for dating as “attend an auction, help underprivileged children, haul out the family albums and get acquainted with each other’s roots.”
Despite the unfortunate title, Sex for Christians (Eerdmans), Lewis Smedes deals competently with the problems that result from our overcharged sexual conditioning, and the error that sexual intercourse is an end unto itself. Though he writes in a theoretical manner that may be too remote for some readers, he does attempt to deal with difficult subjects within a biblical framework. He considers masturbation, pre-ejaculation, sexual variations, and others. This book is best used as a reference in developing an integrated philosophy of sexuality as a Christian.
Herbert Miles ventures into a difficult area, single sexuality, and provides much-needed advice on preparation for marriage in Sexual Understanding Before Marriage (Zondervan). He deals from a biblical standpoint with such tough areas as masturbation, fantasizing, and sex before marriage. However, his detached attitude leads to a style that may not be as contemporary as that of other authors, and he may consequently lose some of his intended audience. This is unfortunate for he meets his goal of sexual education well. For example, he says, “Our youth should know the truth concerning the widely held false beliefs and superstitions about sex. Knowing the truth, modern young people can more effectively plan a program of sexual self-control until marriage.”
Anatomy And Sexual Technique
The discussion of anatomy and developing sexual technique is many times the non-Christian writer’s only goal for human sexuality. The almost total preoccupation by the secular community with this delicate and controversial subject frightens away many Christian authors. A few, however, have seen the need and accepted the challenge.
Ed and Gaye Wheat have written such a book on the physical aspects of sexual intercourse in Intended for Pleasure (Revell). They deal with the problems and give practical help for the newlywed, preorgasmic woman, and older couple. The Wheats also describe the advantages and disadvantages of various methods of birth control, but without the spiritual comment some readers may want.
Tim LaHaye and his wife, Beverly (who would dare to write a sex manual without his wife?), present information on technique from a variety of good secular and Christian sources. However, solutions in The Act of Marriage—The Beauty of Sexual Love (Zondervan) are somewhat simplistic, implying that simply by facing sin and asking forgiveness one will resolve most sexual problems. While this is an essential part of the process, it is only the first step. Our sensual nature and the pressures from society make simplistic solutions naive. We need to beware of quick solutions to complex problems (the area of sexuality is only one among many).
I have reserved The Joy of Being a Woman (Harper and Row) for last because it is a unique book with a European flavor that falls into all three categories. Ingrid Trobisch writes warmly, sensitively, and even in a sensual mood as she integrates biblical and sexual attitudes. The book develops the concept of one flesh, each person caring for and enjoying the other while fulfilling the proper role. It also contains specifics on birth control, breast feeding, pregnancy, and childbirth, to name a few; she is a bit heavy-handed in her opinion on some aspects of contraception. Trobisch can help us to celebrate all the natural creative functions of the bodies God gave us.
Themes
From this limited review of some of the current books, we can synthesize some insights that a Christian should consider in developing his sexuality.
• It is all right for the woman to be sexually aggressive. The woman should develop an attitude that allows her to express freely her sexuality to her husband, both verbally and nonverbally. Marabelle Morgan tries to help women become sexually aggressive and open in marriage; perhaps this will overcome a common complaint of husbands about a wife’s lack of sexual interest. A vicious circle usually develops when the husband feels sexually neglected and tries to rectify it by becoming sexually forceful. When the wife feels free to be sexually aggressive, her husband may become less driven to prove his sexuality through excessive demands.
• We can expect sexual fulfillment in marriage. Open, honest sex in marriage is okay. The Shedds admonish the reader: “Lord, give us the courage to be transparent and the grace to make it possible. We want to open up, to share the hidden places, to know and to be known.” Unless a couple overcome guilt and inappropriate conditioning, they will always find negative attitudes blocking their sexual fulfillment because of mistrust and fear of intimacy.
• Husbands must not demand sex. A husband can build healthy sexual attitudes in marriage and fulfill his role sexually through leadership built on serving. Dean Merrill emphasizes that the woman’s sexual needs are not satisfied or developed apart from the total daily relationship of intimacy with her husband. A man must understand the differences as well as the similarities between male and female sexuality in order to meet the needs of his wife, rather than selfishly demanding sex on his terms.
• We must be informed about our sexuality. The Wheats emphasize that in the case of specific sexual information, ignorance is not bliss. The husband and wife must overcome any lack of specific sexual knowledge and understand the anatomy of sexuality. They should feel free to explore various sexual positions, talk about physical needs for their sexual fulfillment, and understand fully how each other functions sexually.
• Sex education prior to marriage is essential. A single Christian needs premarital information on sexuality as well as on coping with sexual impulses. This helps him prepare for marriage. If he is misinformed, or fails to cope adequately with single sexuality, he will adjust to marriage less easily and develop guilt that later could keep him from freely expressing himself sexually in marriage.
• The Holy Spirit gives meaning to our sexuality. Though the Bible is not a sex manual, it is a record of God’s dealing with us and how people like us have responded to him. While it talks freely about sexuality, it primarily requires us to see human sexuality in a moral framework. The Bible is essential to successful sexuality, for without guidelines and the leading of the Holy Spirit, human sexuality can become a destructive and progressively less satisfying act. Yet, it can be a fulfilling one when experienced on God’s terms, and reserved for marriage as he intended. The indwelling of Christ through the Holy Spirit can give us the want to in order to continue through the process of how to. That is, we need God to deal with our desires supernaturally; only then will information on technique be truly useful.
• Communication is essential in adjusted sexual relations. Without open, healthy communication free of guilt, a person is unable to understand and give fully as he joins in developing a sexual relationship.
Omissions
Though our authors have sincerely attempted to integrate Christian attitudes toward sexuality, they have left out or glossed over some ideas. If the reader considers what these books present plus the following points, he may gain a more balanced view.
While the authors emphasized open communication, they did not seem to emphasize the need for husband and wife to discuss sexuality together. Each book reviewed seems to imply that if the husband or wife reads that book and practices what is contained in it, he or she will have a more fulfilled sexual life. This may be partially true, but unless the husband and wife discuss each aspect together and clarify each other’s understanding, they have little hope of ultimately changing. The sexual role of a husband or wife cannot change in isolation, but only in the context of the other person.
Along with general discussion, the couple should also emphasize intimate, open prayer. The books did not adequately emphasize the need of a husband and wife to take each other in their arms, pray specifically for their sexual understanding of one another, and praise God for their sexuality.
These authors also seemed hesitant to recommend marriage counseling or therapy to deal with sexual concerns. Most implied that their book was sufficient. While this may be true if the reader’s marriage has no complicated sexual problems, where they do exist he will need outside help. It is, however, difficult to select a Christian psychologist, minister, marriage counselor, or psychiatrist. Many a counselor is maladjusted, and is trying to work through his own problems at the expense of his client.
But this does not negate the need the person with complicated sexual problems has to seek help. I would advise the following:
First, ask about local therapists, finding out if a person is, in fact, treating patients as whole people with physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Also find out if he is really an evangelical Christian. Then check to see if the counselor is licensed, or a member of a recognized major denomination that has some type of screening prior to ordination. Once with the therapist, do not be afraid to ask questions about his personal life, and about whether he is comfortable or has had experience dealing with the types of problems you have. Be very suspicious of a therapist who has difficulty praying when it is appropriate, or who actively discounts the Bible as the Word of God.
The books I have reviewed did not adequately emphasize the process of sexual healing in the marriage. They did not make it clear that sexual adjustment in marriage may take years of open communication, study, and prayerful attention. Christian writers, like non-Christian writers, often fall into the trap of promoting instant cures. American society is prone to expect immediate results after minimal effort. Many of the authors who sell big are promising quick, easy answers, or overnight solutions to sexual fulfillment in marriage. Christ’s encouraging love may take time to carry out the healing process that builds sexual fulfillment. The Christian must utilize all needed resources—the Holy Spirit, biblical value systems, prayer, study of the literature, open communication, and professional Christian therapeutic intervention—to cope with sexuality.
Be A Wise Consumer
The reader must be wise if he is to benefit from the material on the market. Here are seven suggestions to evaluate Christian books on human sexuality:
1. Is the book sold in a well-established and respected Christian bookstore?
2. Is the publishing company a major evangelical organization?
3. Is the author a recognized, respected writer with education and counseling experience in the area of sexuality?
4. Does the author use Scripture as well as secular research and literature?
5. Is the author broad in his evangelical view of the Scriptures, or does he isolate himself into a particular denominational framework?
6. Does the author recognize the complexities of sexuality (spiritual, emotional, and physical), or is he prone to such guilt builders as step-by-step, sure-fire solutions?
7. Does the author meet the goals he sets forth in his book in such areas as developing positive attitudes toward sexuality, clarifying values, or teaching anatomy and technique? No one book or Bible verse, of course, answers all our sexual problems, so each must be taken on its own terms.
Over the last ten years, the mass media’s glut of sexual information and explicit or strongly implied sexual material has severely strained healthy, biblically based sexuality. It has put tremendous responsibility on each person and on married couples to be wise consumers as they seek appropriate material to meet their sexual needs. Our challenge is to accept growth as a process and realize that no author has a corner on the truth. Each author reviewed can help with some situational or minor sexual problems. But the sexual aspects of our lives are too complex and sensitive to be solved merely by reading any one book.
There are no five easy steps to Christian sexual fulfillment.
