Sam squeezed me in a bear hug. “I love you, Pastor,” he said. I was embarrassed by this little lovefest in front of worship attenders after the morning service, but I was relieved to know where Sam stood. Sam (names throughout are changed) was one of the pillars of the church, a retired professor, an adult Sunday school teacher, and the church pianist. He was also friends with two founding elders who had recently left the church, beginning a painful church split.
A few weeks later I received a letter from Sam informing me that he, too, was leaving the church. In a follow-up phone call, Sam said he thought I was an “infidel” who was “ruthless in pursuing my agenda for the church.” Sam hung up on me. While his ministry in our little church would be sorely missed, the most painful aspect of his departure was that Sam had made me the reason.
I never imagined it would come to this! I had been called as the solo pastor of a small, declining urban church in the Southwest. The people seemed friendly and well taught. They said they wanted to turn the situation around. They said they wanted the pastor they called to have a long and fruitful ministry with them. But, after less than two years, I found some of my members serving papers. They wanted a divorce.
Grounds for divorce
Pastors are often the lightning rod for church arguments, and soon the issue is no longer the issue. The pastor comes to represent the issue; then the pastor becomes the issue. That’s when members start looking for justification to split. The reasons they find sound much like the jargon of divorce lawyers.
Alienation of affection. Parishioners often compare the current pastor to his predecessor. They look for the same personality and gifts, and often want the same relationship they had with the previous pastor.
I became aware of this when one member quietly left the church. After a few weeks’ absence, I called Don and learned that he was attending another church. “I prefer to be in a church that is more in the Word,” he said. Don was comparing me to my predecessor, who viewed the sermon as a content-heavy lecture.
On another occasion, I found that this expectation extends to the pastor’s spouse. We knew that Sue had been a very close friend of the former pastor’s wife. After she left the church, Sue told my wife, “I am sorry that we never became friends.”
People who leave over comparison issues generally will not return. The new pastor will never live up to their idealized memories of the sainted predecessor. It is a worthy goal to part amicably, but don’t torture yourself for failing to be like someone else.
The pastor’s predecessor is not the only cause of alienation of affection. Sometimes it comes from other churches or outside church life altogether.
Bill was an elder, but his involvement was limited to worship attendance a couple of times a month. Bill was very active as a volunteer in a parachurch ministry, and he expected special privileges because of that.
When I challenged him to greater commitment, he was indignant. “I’m very involved in ministry,” he said, citing the parachurch organization. “That should give me some clout. Besides, I have done a lot for this church through the years.” Bill left the church and soon the tale spread of how I mistreated him.
Infidelity. Many churches have a “church boss,” a person the congregation views as the leader either by virtue of long-held office, financial power, family connections, or forceful personality. To vote against the boss is to be traitorous, even unfaithful. The pastor who seeks to make changes, even the slightest ones, becomes a threat to the union.
In my situation the church boss, a founding elder named Mike, had constructed a system that guaranteed him maximum control with minimal effort. When the church was founded, Mike established a policy that all issues must come before the elder board. Then he convinced the elders that all their decisions must be unanimous. Lifetime elder Mike had given himself veto power over every decision made in the church.
And he exercised it.
On more than one occasion, proposals other elders or I advanced were shot down by Mike alone, often with no other reason than “I don’t like it.”
Finally, after much frustration and the resignation of two elders who were tired of gridlock, the remaining elders insisted that a dissenter be required to produce a biblical reason for his vote. When this was presented to Mike, he promptly left the church. Word spread that I had run Mike out of the church.
I have made it a policy to visit those who’ve chosen to leave. While I hope to settle any offenses the person might hold against me, I also know he will probably not return while I am the pastor.
Irreconcilable differences. A common reason some people divorce their pastor is that they have raised a personal preference to the level of orthodoxy.
One person left the church stating, “I like verse-by-verse studies in Sunday school. The topical study you did on evangelism is characteristic of the liberal drift you are bringing into the church.”
In Sam’s “letter of divorcement,” he stated that the issue that convinced him to leave the church was the use of recorded music for the prelude. “Taped preludes will certainly lead to sweeping changes.”
Once when some elders proposed some adjustments in the worship service, Mike threatened, “If you decide to change the order of service, we will need to part company.” That ended the discussion. In retrospect, we should have taken him up on his offer.
If preference issues result from a person’s tradition or a different interpretation of Scripture, discussion might produce some compromise. If, however, the defense of personal preferences masks control issues, I have found that no amount of discussion can dislodge the person from his position. Such people have an endless supply of preferences, personal convictions, and unwritten policies that are only discovered as the pastor transgresses them.
Some church divorces occur because of genuine differences in philosophy. Once, when we were discussing the need for outreach, an elder replied, “God will send the people He wants to our church.”
Another time, I suggested a second morning service. “If we go to two services, we will lose our sense of intimacy,” an elder countered. “I want to go to a church where I know everyone’s name.” Those were evidences of a different philosophy.
Philosophical differences can be addressed by biblical teaching, if the people involved are humble, truly desire to be shaped by the Scriptures, and will allow the pastor the time. It may take years of patient teaching and modeling to change deficient philosophies of ministry, but it is worth the effort.
Divorce recovery workshop
I wish I had seen these divorces coming. I think I would have, if in the candidating process I had listened more carefully to what the elders were saying. Their desires for the church were very different from the picture painted by the committee that brought me to the church.
The divorcement of pastors might also be averted by slower implementation of change. The problem is that some churches—smaller, declining churches like the one I served—don’t have much time. The urgency of our situation needed to be stated clearly when I was called, and with it the explanation of the changes we would all have to make.
In my situation, the financial drain of divorce was too great for the remaining elders to bear. I eventually left.
Some months after my departure I had a chance encounter with Sam. He was one of the few divorcees who returned to the church. He was playing the piano again. Sam made no mention of our recent unpleasantness. Neither did I. Instead, he engaged my services in the business I operated between pastorates. And he mentioned a ministry opportunity he thought might interest me.
I might have liked a tearful apology and some effort at reconciliation. But I suppose this was the best I should expect from an “ex.”
Our business done, Sam gave me another bear hug and went on his way.
Paul Hogue is a pseudonym for a pastor now serving in the Midwest.
Copyright © 2001 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
