In many ways, Sandra Tsing Loh and I couldn't be more different. The Atlantic writer is feminist, liberal, foul-mouthed, and cosmopolitan. At 50 years old, she has a successful career and a boyfriend.
I, on the other hand, am not too many steps removed from what my college friend called "a prairie muffin." You know, the stay-at-home Christian mom who bakes whole wheat goodies while wearing a modest denim dress.
Tsing Loh is divorced, due in part to her own infidelity, and subsequently wrote an anti-marriage tirade. My husband and I have a date this week to exchange love letters and celebrate the ten-year anniversary of the night he got down on one knee and proposed.
"The Weaker Sex" is Tsing Loh's latest skeptical look at marriage. Her Atlantic article has an intriguing subtitle: "How the new gender economics has more and more professional-class women looking at their mates and thinking: How long until I vote you off the island?"
Earning money is complicated when it's wives who are doing most of it.
If we met at one of her DPM (divorced professional mother) dinner parties, Tsing Loh probably wouldn't admit to having much in common with me. But she and I are not so far apart. We are both daughters of Eve, and, surprisingly, many of the things that have hurt her relationships are the very things that I struggle with, too.
Her frustration with her partner, her tongue-in-cheek fantasy of not one but four different husbands to meet her various needs, her inner selfishness that demands something from her mate in return for her efforts—all of these are familiar even to my complementarian, housewifely self.
She places the blame for her tense relationships on economics: "If the woman still does the bulk of the household management and financially supports the household—what is to keep her from becoming … the monster?" She describes her attitude toward overflowing laundry ("is that my job?") and what she calls her economically liberated "unwifeableness."
She contrasts this to her imagined 1950s housewife who cheerfully brings her hard-working husband a "pipe, Manhattan, roast beef, potatoes, key-lime pie."
Except for a period of one year, when I was our family's chief breadwinner in order to allow my husband to complete his master's degree, I am a modern approximation of that economically dependent 1950s housewife.
But I don't think Tsing Loh's wife of yesteryear, with her unquestioning hero-worship of her husband, ever existed. She certainly doesn't exist in my house.
I'm pretty sure wives in the '50s offered that double martini with the same grudging heart I sometimes have while serving nutritious, organic dinners. From Eve to Sarah to Rachel, even we good girls have been selfish schemers, unhappy with what God has given us and angling instead for what we want.
Whether our husbands spend their days shuttling the kids or crunching numbers at a high-pressure office, we are still likely to meet them at the door with complaining. Inevitably, we will find fault with our spouse—the overflowing trash cans, the forgotten car maintenance, the dwindling romance.
We wives have all failed to emulate Christ, "who made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant" (Phil. 2:7). Tsing Loh and I have the problem, and it has nothing to do with our earning capacities. It has everything to do with our innate selfishness.
Woven into this tale of divorce and economic tension is Tsing Loh's almost painful nostalgia for the comforts of home. She recounts her weepy feelings at reading a book about keeping house, and the attendant memories of her own homemaking grandmothers.
At this point, it would be easy for after-school cookie-bakers like me to raise our self-righteous spatulas, and yell, "Yeah, that's right lady! Quit your job. Go home. Bake something!"
But our fundamental problem is not the outward circumstances of economics but the inward pressure of sin. Apron-wearing women should not feel smug.
That said, economic choices do have implications. (More on the wider effects of this in Christianity Today's forthcoming review of Hanna Rosin's The End of Men.) And it must be acknowledged that going to work—especially a high-stress, high-salary job—can exacerbate an existing sin problem.
Work, for the women in Tsing Loh's article, is a choice. They have chosen to get married, to have children, and to use their time and abilities in a demanding workplace. This has put an undeniable strain on their relationships.
It is reasonable to ask whether choosing work is the best way for women to serve their families.
At its heart, the article is a cautionary tale for women. Tsing Loh begins, like a Broadway lead, triumphantly determined to wash those men right outta her hair, but she ends on a melancholy note, acknowledging the difficulties of out-earning her mate, but unable to propose a substantive solution.
Part of the answer is found in Philippians 2: "Value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of others."
Does a godly woman have to stay home or take a lesser-paying job? Not necessarily. Does she have to put the interests of her husband and family above her own? Absolutely. (As does her husband.)
Tim Tebow—famous, Christian, virgin—recently told Vogue magazine that he wants a wife who is "sweet and kind—and that has a servant's heart."
To Mr. Tebow, I'd like to say: You've got the right idea. I hope you can find her.
Megan Hill lives in Mississippi with her husband and three children. She writes Sunday Women, a weekly blog about ministry life. Her articles about adoption and authenticity were published on Her.menutics.
My kids watch SpongeBob SquarePants every morning at breakfast. First my daughter, 11, as she’s munching on Special K with berries before being driven to middle school, and then an hour later my son with his Honey Nut Cheerios as he’s preparing for his day in the third grade. I suppose if I were a really good parent they would be reading Ezekiel 4:9 while they were eating, but Ally and Michael seem to be turning out okay despite their current routine. I also enjoy the show and watch it right along with them; for the most part SpongeBob is brilliantly written with great characters.
I understand it may be shocking to learn that the children of Larry the Cucumber do not always watch VeggieTales. But it’s true. When they were younger, the TV was at times tuned to Arthur, Dora the Explorer, and Zaboomafoo.
Broadcast TV for kids has come a long way over the past couple of decades. When we started VeggieTales 17 years ago, I didn’t have kids. But I remember thinking if I did, the only thing I’d let them watch was Sesame Street or Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, because that’s what I watched when I was a kid and they were still pretty much the same. Everything else seemed too violent, too sarcastic, or too crude. Fast forward to 2010 and it’s not hard to find well-produced, age-appropriate content that teaches kids math, reasoning, spelling or manners. A fair amount of stuff I don’t mind my kids watching.
So what’s the problem?
With a new NBA season’s first tip-off around the corner, Houston Rockets rookie Royce White is causing a minor sensation with his alternative plan for transportation between games: a bus. Conventionally, NBA teams fly from one city to another, but whenever possible, Houston is making an exception for White.
NBA fans will not be shocked to hear that a young star—even a rookie—would place demands on his team. But White is not simply being difficult or demanding. He’s taking care of his health. White suffers from generalized anxiety disorder, a potentially paralyzing mental disorder that affects about 6.8 million adults in the United States. One symptom of his illness: fear of flying. Because the Rockets want White in top form for their games, they are allowing him to travel on the ground whenever possible.
That exception itself has grabbed at least as much attention as White’s refusal to fly. Some fans wonder why he should receive special treatment. This is why: “The Rockets are being accommodating toward White because they believe he is one of the top big men prospects to come along in some time. So they’re meeting him halfway by letting him get on a bus and drive away.”
White’s college-career accomplishments and his potential have earned him the opportunity to use his gifts productively and take care of himself at the same time. Not everyone is afforded the same latitude. Our society tends to assume people with mental illnesses are by nature unproductive and irrelevant. We’re so wrong.
Recall Edvard Munch’s most famous painting, “The Scream,” and it only makes sense. Read his description of the emotional moment he captured in the painting, and it seems likely: Munch may have been plagued by panic attacks.
In September, The Atlantic featured Munch and 10 other profoundly influential historical figures who may have suffered from mental illness. Abraham Lincoln suffered from severe depression, the article claims. Beethoven from bipolar disorder. And Isaac Newton … well, everything.
While we can’t take these “diagnoses” as official, given their posthumous delivery, they aren’t offered without evidence. And the list of profoundly influential people should give us pause.
All experienced their productive years and brilliant achievements before the most modern developments in brain science, psychotherapy, and pharmaceuticals. And yet, despite their suffering—or perhaps, at least in some cases, because of their suffering—they were able to make outstanding contributions to society.
Do we grant the same potential to people with mental illness in our midst?
Mental illness is plagued by stigma, as almost nothing else in our society is. This despite the fact that most mental illness is now highly treatable, especially with early and consistent intervention. The main opponent of early and consistent intervention? Stigma. This stigma has many faces, one being the assumption that all hope of productive life ends with a diagnosis, a hospital stay, or that first dose of anti-psychotic medication. Sometimes that belief becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, when people are discouraged from seeking treatment.
Considering the way our culture views, portrays, and reacts to mental illness, who wants to admit to hearing voices? desperately wanting to die? feeling like running screaming from the room, heart pounding, for no apparent reason? Many people will delay or resist treatment for months, years, or lifetimes just to avoid the shame and marginalization attached to a mental health diagnosis.
Based on my experience, this marginalization is alive and well in the Christian community. When was the last time someone in your church acknowledged struggling with mental health as openly as they might discuss a serious physical injury or illness? Does your church help people with mental disorders find their place in its ministry, or subtly (or not so subtly) suggest they need to find community somewhere else? tell people to “go get help” and come back when they’re ready to be normal? What if they can’t find normal?
It’s a terrible thing to do to someone: to suggest that hope for abundant life in Christ goes only so far, and they’re permanently on the other side of the fence.
Many people with mental illness may not seamlessly fit into church life the way most of us experience it on Sunday morning. But let’s be honest—how many of us really do?
My mother, who has schizophrenia, has been on antipsychotics and other medications for decades, has spent time in prison, and once rejected her faith in favor of occult practices while off her medication. Last month, she sent us a package in the mail. Inside were lovely outfits she had custom-made for my daughters. There have been times in my life when I would have said she would never do such a thing again, and she may have agreed. But we were both wrong. Even when I had given up on her, God hadn’t.
As one popular worship song reminds us, Jesus’ love never fails and never gives up on us. The church, then, should be the crowd best known for never giving up on one another. During this Mental Illness Awareness Week, let’s reflect on our attitude toward afflicted people. A change in our attitude, refusing to consider our brothers and sisters outside the reach of hope in Christ, will do much to help people heal and bring their gifts to the body of Christ.
Amy Simpson is editor of Christianity Today’s Gifted for Leadership, a freelance writer, and author of the forthcoming Troubled Minds: Mental Illness and the Church’s Mission (InterVarsity Press). You can find her at www.AmySimpsonOnline.com and on Twitter @aresimpson.
What’s missing, from my perspective as a Christian parent, and will likely always be missing from kids’ networks like PBS, Disney, Nick and Cartoon Network is a biblical worldview — the assumption that there is a God who made us, loves us, and wants a relationship with us set against the backdrop of creation, fall and redemption. For Christians, nothing could be more basic to our understanding of how the world works. But for children’s broadcast and cable channels, nothing can get you off the air faster.
What’s missing is that much of the worldview our kids are exposed to each day is completely modernist. While SpongeBob can model friendship toward Patrick, the show will never tell a child we can love because God first loved us. While Arthur can show it’s nice to do good and to share, he’ll never add that these are the sacrifices that please God. While Zaboomafoo can show kids the wonder of nature, kids won’t hear that God chose to give birth to us by giving us his true word. And, we, out of all creation, became his prized possession.
There is a much deeper well we go to as Christian parents when we hope to instill our values in our children. With VeggieTales, we have sought to be a resource for parents in providing high quality kids entertainment with a biblical worldview.
Story is such a powerful worldview vehicle. I think that’s why Jesus told so many parables. In a media-saturated culture such as ours, we need to make it a point of telling as many good stories to our kids as we can—stories that assume we are living within the greatest story of all, the Kingdom of God. That way, they can watch SpongeBob and have a good laugh—but not forget that God made them special and he loves them very much.
As the father of four daughters, J. Lee Grady realized early on that "God put all those girls in my life because he has a special message he wanted me to give," he says.
Grady, an ordained pastor and Charisma magazine's editor for 11 years, addresses questions of women in Christian leadership and ministry at conferences around the world; his new organization, the Mordecai Project, confronts the abuse of women, and his books address Ten Lies the Church Tells Women (Creation House, 2000), 25 Tough Questions About Women and the Church (Charisma House, 2003), and Ten Lies Men Believe (Charisma House, 2011).
In his new book, Fearless Daughters of the Bible: What You Can Learn From 22 Women Who Challenged Tradition, Fought Injustice and Dared to Lead (Baker, 2012), Grady turns his attention to biblical and historical women who challenged tradition, disrupted status quos, and stood up for themselves and others. Each of the book's 15 chapters discusses a woman or group of women whom Grady sees as role models. Each chapter highlights a specific character trait—for example, Miriam, Moses' sister, represents "the courage to lead in a man's world," and Ruth represents "the courage to forsake the past." Short chapters are designed to prompt further group discussion, with a handful of discussion questions and a short "Message from Your Heavenly Father" with the chapter.
Grady talked with Her.meneutics contributor Ruth Moon about women and ministry in the contemporary church.
Some of the women you mention are well-known Bible characters, but others I hadn't heard of. How did you choose them all?
All of the chapters are different messages that I've been preaching on for the past eight or nine years. For example, the daughters of Zelophehad, who are in chapter 2, [offer] a fundamental message, because of the whole revelation of women taking their inheritance. Hardly anybody preaches about them, even though they're in the Bible in five places. It's such a powerful message, yet most women never hear it.
You point out women in the Bible who take charge, some with actions that could be interpreted as overbearing. Is there a model for women today to do this well?
We've done such a disservice to women in the church [by saying] that in order for you to be a good Christian woman, you have to be quiet, demure, and all about domestic duties. That is tragic. I don't want my girls to be that way. I want them to be assertive and to stand up for what they believe and be bold when they need to be. There's nothing brash or wrong with a woman doing that. We've elevated timidity to a virtue. The Bible says timidity is a sin. Why do we think that women are being Christlike or virtuous by being silent or quiet? There's a time to be quiet. There's a time for all of us to keep our mouths shut. But there's also a time to speak, and we have plenty of examples of women in the Bible who were bold enough to speak.
What women in modern culture exemplify this boldness?
I tell about women whom I've worked with over the years. A lot of them are women overseas, because in some of these environments, because of whatever challenges they've faced, they just had to be courageous. I give the example of a lady I've worked with in Indonesia who started a church several years ago in Jakarta that has 3,000 members now. She's an amazing lady.
If you look back through history, so many single women went on the mission field. We had the Amy Carmichaels and the Mary Slessors and the Lottie Moons—women who were brave and very much examples to women today. Their legacy is amazing. I believe we're on the verge of seeing something like that happen again. That's another reason I wrote the book, to fuel that passion in women. And for those who are sitting around waiting for Prince Charming to come along, maybe they need to just go and not worry about that.
What are you hoping the book accomplishes?
I believe there's going to be another very explosive movement of women in 21st-century Christianity. It's one of the missing ingredients in global revival. As women tap into their spiritual gifts and their spiritual callings, they're going to be mobilized. There are so many things women could be doing right now, but they've been conditioned to think, Well, I'm just going to go to church and sit and participate in prayer group. Prayer is great, but every person's created by God with potential and gifts and callings. We haven't done a good job of equipping women to discover who they are and what they're called to do. I hope this book unleashes that in women.
Are there things the church should change to equip women?
Church leadership is going to have to wrestle with what women will be able to do. We've been debating this for so long; I realize that some churches are not going to just all of a sudden announce that women can be pastors. But at least we can encourage women to discover their spiritual gifts and use them [in ways] they haven't been afforded before.
What do you as a man bring to the conversation writing about women and leadership?
Women need to hear some of these things from a man. When you're talking about women in leadership or pastoring, so many women in ministry have come up to say, "Thank you for defending us," and "Thank you that we don't have to be the ones saying this." Some people don't like the concept of men opening doors for women; some people think it's antiquated or old-fashioned. I was raised in the South, and my parents taught me to do that when I was a little kid. To me, that's normal—you do that not because she's weaker and can't help herself, but out of kindness.
In some ways what I'm doing is helping to open the door. I'm helping to usher some women into their place. Not because they need a hero, but simply because I'm being a good brother.
Guest blogger Mike Nawrocki is co-founder of Big Idea, where he is VP of Creative Development, and VeggieTales, where he provides the voice of Larry the Cucumber. The latest VeggieTales installment, “Pistachio, the Little Boy That Woodn’t,” is now available on DVD.
