Twelve Months Of Sundays

Pity the preachers who have but 52 Sundays a year to cover the essentials.

First, they must acknowledge the church year, with appropriate sermons for Advent, Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, Easter, and Ascension Sunday.

There is also the civil year, obliging them to mention Valentine’s Day, Saint Patrick’s Day, Presidents’ Day, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, Memorial Day, Independence Day, Labor Day, and Thanksgiving—not to mention Law and Order Month, Get-Out-the-Vote Week, and National Pickle Week.

Then there are the denominational directives to observe Stewardship Sunday, an annual missions conference, Christian College Sunday, World Hunger Week, Bible Translation Week, and Pension Fund Day.

And depending on its theological stripe, each church has additional expectations.

Solid Rock Separated Saints expect Anti-WCC Sunday, Anti-NCC Sunday, Anti-Evolution Sunday, Anti-Abortion Sunday, Anti-Homosexuality Sunday, Anti-Gun-Control Sunday, Anti-Liberal Sunday, Anti-Moderate Sunday, and Anti-Not-Quite-as-Fundamental-as-We-Are Sunday.

The Church of Earnest Relevance, on the other hand, gets edgy if it doesn’t celebrate WCC Sunday, NCC Sunday, Pro-Choice Sunday, Lettuce-Pickers Sunday, Support-the-Sandinistas Sunday, Gay-Rights Sunday, and I’m-Sure-Glad-We’re-Not-Bigoted-Like-the-Fundies Sunday.

If you preach at a Cathedral of Unlimited Possibilities, you can’t let a year pass without God-Wants-You-in-a-Rolls-Royce Sunday, Where-Is-God-When-Your-Income-Isn’t-Six-Figures Sunday, and Impossible-Is-a-Dirty-Word Sunday.

Wow Before You Bow Churches demand Jocks for Jesus Sunday, Criminals for Christ Sunday, Midgets for Morality, puppets, gospel magic, and a Bust Our Bus Attendance contest.

Pray for our pastors. As you can see, ...

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