Eutychus and His Kin: March 15, 1985

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Auntie Nicene’s Zoo

Church history has always had an image problem. Only professional antiquarians could get excited about councils, creeds, and the Nicene fathers. But no longer. Once again, through the miracle of creative marketing, dry bones live!

The same folks who made old-fashioned calisthenics trendy, even Christian, by putting them to bouncy music—the same advertising aces who made pedantics profitable by calling it trivia—have now focused their genius on faceless names from the past.

Now we know that church history’s dilemma was a packaging problem. The brochure just arrived for the new, lush, plush retreat center. It’s—Auntie Nicene’s Ecclesiastical Zoo.

“See the seven seals of Revelation splash with Augustine the Hippo, while Polycarp and the martin, Luther, munch their diet of worms. On shore, you can feed the orthoducks and the just-hatched neo-orthoducks. But beware of the giant snapping Tertullian.

“Don’t miss Irenaeus the Lyon and the hives of Maccabees.

“Pets are also for sale, including dogmatics from Dalmatia, Saint Bernards from Clairvaux, and Persian long-hair catechisms, all guaranteed free of here-ticks.

“So escape the hard Knox of ministry and enjoy sleeping in our hotbeds of controversy. Each morning will be a Great Awakening. Make your reservations now by writing our zookeeper, Noah, and his wife, Joan of Ark. But if you don’t Cotton to this idea, it doesn’t Mather.”

Who says church history won’t sell?

EUTYCHUS

That Evangelical Agenda

Thank you for your editorial “Beyond 1984: An Evangelical Agenda” [Jan. 18]. Your fourth priority states “… a verifiable reduction of armaments looking to ...

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