Last week two high school girls skipped over to me and announced with smiles, "We want a small group, and we want you to lead it!" There's nothing I love more than being with faithful and available students who want to grow in their relationship with God. But something strange happened in my heart at that moment, something I've been wrestling with for several months. My heart said, turn them down.

It wasn't about those two girls; it was about a bigger problem: feeling too famous. When I say famous, I mean "known." When you stand in front of people for a living, when you lead in a church, when you write, you open yourself up to many potential relationships, and I'm bewildered at how to prioritize who and what gets my time.

The holy desire to work in ministry mixes with the intoxicating temptation to be needed. The combination of the two means I say yes more than I say no. That I squeeze in one more appointment, one more late night conversation, one more new relationship. But when I want to hide more than I want to connect, I know I've exceeded my limits and abilities, and that's dangerous ground.

Here's what I'm learning about managing my capacity:

Find your uniqueness

When I think about what to say yes to, I try to remember what it is that I'm uniquely qualified to do. For instance, my background is in counseling. If I have to choose between making time for a family crisis meeting or taking a high school student to coffee, I will choose the family crisis meeting. I have other volunteers who can make the coffee date, but I'm the only one uniquely qualified for the crisis meeting. When I remember what I can do that others can't, it's easier to figure out my choices.

Perspective

I am not good at making relational choices. I tend to err on the side of over-committing. I'm often too close to a situation to make a good choice. I need my husband and close friends walking alongside me, asking the good questions that help me take a few steps back and view the situation from another vantage point. With their help, I can establish parameters for my time and relationships.

Have boundaries, and break them

Good leaders have good boundaries. They guard Sabbath, they spend time with God. They make space for their families. But Jesus was in the habit of having boundaries–and breaking them. (See Matthew 14.) I recently had a day packed with time-sensitive tasks. My pastor called me into his office. "A student at a nearby high school died suddenly. They weren't regular attenders of our church, but I feel like we should offer to help with the student vigil tonight." He gave me the opportunity to stay behind and finish up my tasks, but I sensed I should go. I spent the next six hours buying candles and note cards, comforting students and being available as a minister of the good news of Christ. I missed dinner and I had to arrange for others to pick up my children, but it was the right choice.

Don't wait for it to feel good

Back in the hallway last week with those two high school girls, I knew that "no" had to be my answer. I turned to a new volunteer standing close by. "Becky, come meet these girls!" I placed my new leader in front, and I stepped back. Becky is an incredible volunteer with the willingness and heart to shepherd these students. Knowing there's someone else who can mentor these girls, you'd think I'd feel good about this decision. But there's a layer of sadness. I felt like I disappointed them. I won't be their mentor; I won't walk with them through their spiritual journey. Nonetheless, I know I made the right choice, even though it's still hard. With decisions like these, I can't rely on feeling good to determine the best course of action.

These are small steps, and I stumble more than I succeed. What are your tips for leaders who feel too famous?

Nicole Unice, a contributing editor for Gifted for Leadership, has decided to accept her status as a wrestler with God. Between raising her kids and working in Family and Student Ministry at Hope Church in Richmond, VA, Nicole likes to write and teach on the intersection of God's word and modern life. Her first book, The Divine Pursuit: A Study of Jonah, released in Fall 2010. You can find her blogging at The Stubborn Servant.