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When Clergy Fashion Goes Wrong

“The Mysterious Third Nipple” and other horror stories

The bigger hassle, as Laura discovered, really is where to clip these things on Lady-Clothes.

One innovative dress-wearing clergywoman, without a place to clip hers, simply removed her pantyhose (on purpose), tied them around her waist, and clipped her mic to them.

Genius, right? Kill two annoying birds with one stone.

Though the solution was a success, she'd forgotten about it by the time worship had ended, and she dropped the mic on her desk and hung up her robe.

While she was mingling in the fellowship hall, her daughter whispered, "Mom…mom…"

Engaged in ministry, the mother ignored her.

More insistently, the daughter hissed, "Mom! Mom!"

This went on for awhile before the mother scolded, "Hush, child, I'm talking!" (#southernmama)

By that time, the daughter was happy enough to huff off with a "Fine! But I'm not the one wearing pantyhose around my waist!"

That had to have been a little satisfying.

My Dream

I actually have this fantasy about appearing on ABC's Shark Tank to pitch an innovative new line of clothing for clergywomen.

Proposed line includes the following:

• Sturdy lapel, to secure microphone. There's a reason they don't call them brassiere microphones. (Note to self: The Brassiere Microphone.)

• Pants with belt loops, belt, and pockets, to secure the lapel microphone's heavy black box.

• Discreet inner pockets to stash manuscript, breath mints, loose change for fifth-grade bake sale, etc.

• Socks and comfortable walking shoes

• No pantyhose

Spoiler alert: My innovative new clothing line for clergywomen is called MAN CLOTHES.

Margot wants to hear your stories! Yes, she wants to know if anyone in your congregation has ever stroked your hair and cooed, "I love that you wear your hair back. I wish my granddaughter would." And she also wants to hear about the liturgical banner that fell on the organist, the denominational meeting gone awry, and the Sunday you ran out of bread before you finished serving communion. If she likes your story, she'll feature it in an upcoming post.

Send your horror stories to Margot at this address: clergybloopers@gmail.com.

Margot Starbuck is the author of the recently releasedSmall Things With Great Love: Adventures in Loving Your Neighbor. More at www.MargotStarbuck.com.

August08, 2013 at 8:00 AM

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