Related articles and links |  1 of 7

When people think of couples on the verge of breakup they ask, "Can this marriage be saved?" There's a bigger question, however: "Can marriage be saved?"

Marriage is in trouble in America, assaulted by a fearful divorce rate, soaring cohabitation, sex and childbearing increasingly detached from wedlock, and now, thanks to gay activists, a fundamental redefining.

If you doubt the institution is at risk, consider Scandinavia, where marriage has become virtually a minority option. Or look at African American society, where children are more likely to be born outside of marriage than not. Or take media celebrities, whose marriages and divorces seem more like PR stunts than solemn, life-defining events. One can imagine an American society in which marriage has lost the central, anchoring role it has held throughout the history of the republic. The human loss would be terrible. In fact, the loss already is terrible—a poisonous rain that falls on every community and practically every family.

I attended a conference called Smart Marriages to ask, "Can marriage be saved?" Almost 2,000 people gathered in Dallas for the eighth-annual conference, run by the Coalition for Marriage, Family and Couples Education. Researchers came, as did psychologists and therapists, pastors and church workers, social service providers, military chaplains, government officials, and—most noticeably—a colorful assortment of entrepreneurs offering seminars, books, and videos, many with marketable titles like "How Not to Marry a Jerk" and "Divorce Busting."

In few places do such diverse worlds come together, especially when they pay their own way. According to coalition founder and director Diane Sollee, even famous speakers like John Gray (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus) come at their own expense. It makes for an optimistic, activistic, but fragile coalition. To keep the peace, ideological arguments are kept to a minimum. Gay marriage, for example, was little addressed, except to acknowledge that the subject could split the group.

Yet Smart Marriages leaders share a consensus that permeates almost every presentation:

• Lifelong, healthy marriage is good—the only way for most people to fulfill their deeply felt hopes for love and family, and the optimal way to raise healthy children.
• Divorce is extremely bad for children, as is angry parental conflict.
• Hostile, "get-it-all-out" communication destroys marriages.
• Living together before marriage leads to increased divorce.
• Marriage education, often done by nonprofessionals, can help many marriages survive and thrive. Premarital preparation (including tests to identify areas where couples need work), classes for married couples, and marriage mentoring are some of the many practical approaches offered.

The good news from Smart Marriages is that Christians are not alone in caring about marriage. A broad coalition recognizes that the church makes a natural vehicle for marriage education, since most marriages still begin in church. Many Smart Marriages leaders have taken their lumps for supporting marriage in psychological, social-service, or academic settings. They're eager to join forces.

One friend, having perused the Smart Marriages program, wrote me a thoughtful rant questioning its value. Some excerpts:

I have limited confidence in the ability of education to help marriages. Most couples enter into marriage so much more relationally savvy than ever before in history. … All of my close friends who have been divorced—some of them psychologists and trained marriage counselors!—every one of them knew a great deal about the ins and outs of relationships. They all bailed because they were no longer getting fulfilled in marriage. I fail to see how a little more education is going to help.

next page... |  1 of 7

share this page

November 2004, Vol. 48, No. 11