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Christianity Today, August, 2009

COVER PACKAGE: Weighing Young Weddings

The Waiting Game

Single adults can live fulfilling lives that reveal God's goodness.

Christine A. Colón | posted 8/03/2009 10:06AM

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The following article is part of Christianity Today's cover package on "The Case for Early Marriage."

The Wheaton College newspaper recently published an article detailing frustrations that married students experience on campus because of their choice to marry young. The article surprised me. From my perspective, Wheaton College, along with much of evangelical culture, seems obsessed with marriage. The number of students desperate for a "ring by spring" and the many marriage seminars at local congregations suggest that marriage remains a high priority.

Despite my different perspective, I feel for these married students. Certainly in our society, where strong marriages are so difficult to maintain, the Christian community should rally around these couples. And as I read through Regnerus's argument, I found myself agreeing with several of his points. Yes, abstinence rhetoric is problematic, and many singles have difficulty maintaining their purity. And yes, characterizing marriage almost entirely by romance and great sex is dangerous.

But is encouraging early marriage the answer? As Regnerus admits, early marriage is a risky proposition. While some young Christians might be ready, I worry that emphasizing early marriage will hasten the marriages of many who should wait.

I also worry that this solution addresses only one aspect of the problem. What about those who will not marry early—or at all? Many Christian women in particular must face this reality. What do you do if you are the one in three who doesn't find a spiritually mature man to marry? God can perform miracles, but despite the assurances of many Christian dating books, he doesn't necessarily provide everyone with a spouse.

What we need, then, is to change not simply how we talk about marriage but also how we talk about singleness. Rather than relying on the old standby of "wait until marriage," we must consider why God might ask some of us to remain single. What does it mean to live a celibate life even if you haven't taken a vow of celibacy? Can you live as a full person if you aren't sexually active? Can celibacy be a witness to the gospel?

In a world where a good sex life is seen as essential, I believe that celibacy can serve as a radical testimony to God's love and provision. By approaching it as a spiritual discipline that reminds us that our ultimate fulfillment lies in our union with God, we can begin to see singleness as a productive time of serving God rather than a period of simply waiting for the right partner. Is the celibate life easy? No. But by the grace of God, it is possible.

We should support young Christians who decide to marry. But we need to combine that message with another that affirms the value of celibacy and the truth that single adults can live fulfilling lives that reveal God's goodness: a message that affirms not only older singles who may never marry, but also younger singles who may need to wait before marrying.

Christine A. Colón, associate professor of English at Wheaton College, and coauthor of Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church (Brazos, 2009)

Related Elsewhere:

This article responds to the cover package on "The Case for Early Marriage."

Previous Christianity Today articles about marriage include:

My Top Five Books on Marriage | By Charles W. Tackett, CEO of PursuingHeart.com (May 7, 2009)

Choosing Celibacy | How to stop thinking of singleness as a problem. (September 12, 2008)

Practicing Chastity | A lifelong spiritual discipline for singles and marrieds. Lauren F. Winner reviews Dawn Eden's The Thrill of the Chaste. (March 15, 2007)

30 and Single? It's Your Own Fault | There are more unmarried people in our congregations than ever, and some say that's just sinful. (June 21, 2006)

Sex in the Body of Christ | Chastity is a spiritual discipline for the whole church. (May 13, 2005)

Reflections: Sex, Love, and Marriage | Quotations to stir the heart and mind (February 1, 2003)

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August 2009, Vol. 53, No. 8

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Displaying 1–5 of 13 comments

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Cheery

August 06, 2009 9:33am

Linda, I'm curious as to why you refer to singleness at a later age as a "lonely old age". I'm "older", single, and having the time of my life! I have been both married and single, and they both have really great parts and really difficult parts. Would I prefer to be married? Maybe. But being "old" and single is such a freedom and there can be so much fun in it! There are some days when I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Remember, God has different calls for all of us, and a fallen wolrd will put us all into situations we never dreamed we'd find ourselves in.

Pru

August 05, 2009 8:50am

Gregory--I'm not sure how you can say that actual celibacy is deviant (are you going by culture's "norms" for human sexuality?)...the Scriptures are filled with celibate folks (and Paul even encouraging it), including Jesus Himself. And the whole of Christian history has been changed by both married Christians and celibate Christians carrying out God's mission in the world. I'm just hoping I'm misunderstanding what you were saying... I also do not believe that Colón states in any way that all people are called to celibacy or even that the majority are or else she would not have mentioned aiding those who choose to marry young. It seems she is open to a plethora of calls for different Christians, why can't you be?

Gregory Peterson

August 04, 2009 3:40pm

One shouldn't confuse 'celibate' with 'chaste,' for starters...or with "abstinent" for that matter, come to think of it. Even if one is one of the above, one should have a comprehensive sexual education, if only to be a source of generally reliable information and good advice to friends. Not to mention that when it comes to celibacy, abstinence and chastity, there seems to be a disconcerting failure rates. While temporary abstinence is usually situational, quite 'normal' and usually prudent, I think, actual celibacy is 'deviant behavior,' but that doesn't mean that it's 'wrong.' You want to be a celibate, you go right ahead. It is an interesting variation on the theme of human sexuality, isn't it? Just don't demand or expect others to become a celibate like you. Now that would be wrong in my book. I expect abstinence at work, for instance, but I wouldn't expect the boss to demand celibacy.

lewsta

August 04, 2009 12:52pm

a major part of the issue addressed here stems from the recent "tradition" in our churches of segregating people into various grouups.... grade school kids go here, high schoolers meet on Wed night, young marrieds do this, college and career peole in this group, and oh, if we can get round to it, the "singles" go over there. How ridiculous!! We are ONE body, ONE loaf. I've been blessed to be a part of a church family that actively accepts and integrates EVERYONE into our congregation's life. Families, young married, unmarried. It is SUCH a delight to have young children, teens, married men, grandmothers, all on an equal footing as far as involvement is concerned. Oh, and there is also a very deliberate effort to raise up the younger ones into their relationship with the Lord, the church, and the world out there, and that not based upon their "status" or demographic. Marriage isn't PUSHED but modelled, and honoured as desirable. Preparing for it is part of life, even if it never comes.

Rachel

August 04, 2009 11:26am

Dear Linda, Since you married young, you will never know what it is like to marry older or to not marry at all, just as I cannot know what it is like to marry young. There are many faithful, fruitful, healthy Christians who live chastely and marry later or not at all. And we Christians are all called to sainthood, whatever our situation in life. I wish to see more Christians listen to the myriad testimonies of faith from our brothers and sisters in the church and throughout church history rather than wielding our individual experience in judgement over them. Peace!

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