The Waiting Game
The following article is part of Christianity Today's cover package on "The Case for Early Marriage."
The Wheaton College newspaper recently published an article detailing frustrations that married students experience on campus because of their choice to marry young. The article surprised me. From my perspective, Wheaton College, along with much of evangelical culture, seems obsessed with marriage. The number of students desperate for a "ring by spring" and the many marriage seminars at local congregations suggest that marriage remains a high priority.
Despite my different perspective, I feel for these married students. Certainly in our society, where strong marriages are so difficult to maintain, the Christian community should rally around these couples. And as I read through Regnerus's argument, I found myself agreeing with several of his points. Yes, abstinence rhetoric is problematic, and many singles have difficulty maintaining their purity. And yes, characterizing marriage almost entirely by romance and great sex is dangerous.
But is encouraging early marriage the answer? As Regnerus admits, early marriage is a risky proposition. While some young Christians might be ready, I worry that emphasizing early marriage will hasten the marriages of many who should wait.
I also worry that this solution addresses only one aspect of the problem. What about those who will not marry early—or at all? Many Christian women in particular must face this reality. What do you do if you are the one in three who doesn't find a spiritually mature man to marry? God can perform miracles, but despite the assurances of many Christian dating books, he doesn't necessarily provide everyone with a spouse.
What we need, then, is to change not simply how we talk about marriage but also how we talk about singleness. Rather than relying on the old standby of "wait until marriage," we must consider why God might ask some of us to remain single. What does it mean to live a celibate life even if you haven't taken a vow of celibacy? Can you live as a full person if you aren't sexually active? Can celibacy be a witness to the gospel?
In a world where a good sex life is seen as essential, I believe that celibacy can serve as a radical testimony to God's love and provision. By approaching it as a spiritual discipline that reminds us that our ultimate fulfillment lies in our union with God, we can begin to see singleness as a productive time of serving God rather than a period of simply waiting for the right partner. Is the celibate life easy? No. But by the grace of God, it is possible.
We should support young Christians who decide to marry. But we need to combine that message with another that affirms the value of celibacy and the truth that single adults can live fulfilling lives that reveal God's goodness: a message that affirms not only older singles who may never marry, but also younger singles who may need to wait before marrying.
Christine A. Colón, associate professor of English at Wheaton College, and coauthor of Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must Be Reinvented in Today's Church (Brazos, 2009)
Copyright © 2009 Christianity Today. Click for reprint information.
Related Elsewhere:
This article responds to the cover package on "The Case for Early Marriage."
Previous Christianity Today articles about marriage include:
My Top Five Books on Marriage | By Charles W. Tackett, CEO of PursuingHeart.com (May 7, 2009)
Choosing Celibacy | How to stop thinking of singleness as a problem. (September 12, 2008)
Practicing Chastity | A lifelong spiritual discipline for singles and marrieds. Lauren F. Winner reviews Dawn Eden's The Thrill of the Chaste. (March 15, 2007)
30 and Single? It's Your Own Fault | There are more unmarried people in our congregations than ever, and some say that's just sinful. (June 21, 2006)
Sex in the Body of Christ | Chastity is a spiritual discipline for the whole church. (May 13, 2005)
Reflections: Sex, Love, and Marriage | Quotations to stir the heart and mind (February 1, 2003)
La complejidad hispana: Todo cambió en el 2012
The Latest in Movie News, May 20, 2013
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Cheery
Linda, I'm curious as to why you refer to singleness at a later age as a "lonely old age". I'm "older", single, and having the time of my life! I have been both married and single, and they both have really great parts and really difficult parts. Would I prefer to be married? Maybe. But being "old" and single is such a freedom and there can be so much fun in it! There are some days when I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Remember, God has different calls for all of us, and a fallen wolrd will put us all into situations we never dreamed we'd find ourselves in.
Pru
Gregory--I'm not sure how you can say that actual celibacy is deviant (are you going by culture's "norms" for human sexuality?)...the Scriptures are filled with celibate folks (and Paul even encouraging it), including Jesus Himself. And the whole of Christian history has been changed by both married Christians and celibate Christians carrying out God's mission in the world. I'm just hoping I'm misunderstanding what you were saying... I also do not believe that Colón states in any way that all people are called to celibacy or even that the majority are or else she would not have mentioned aiding those who choose to marry young. It seems she is open to a plethora of calls for different Christians, why can't you be?
Gregory Peterson
One shouldn't confuse 'celibate' with 'chaste,' for starters...or with "abstinent" for that matter, come to think of it. Even if one is one of the above, one should have a comprehensive sexual education, if only to be a source of generally reliable information and good advice to friends. Not to mention that when it comes to celibacy, abstinence and chastity, there seems to be a disconcerting failure rates. While temporary abstinence is usually situational, quite 'normal' and usually prudent, I think, actual celibacy is 'deviant behavior,' but that doesn't mean that it's 'wrong.' You want to be a celibate, you go right ahead. It is an interesting variation on the theme of human sexuality, isn't it? Just don't demand or expect others to become a celibate like you. Now that would be wrong in my book. I expect abstinence at work, for instance, but I wouldn't expect the boss to demand celibacy.