Should Pastors Perform Marriages for Cohabitating Couples? | Christianity Today

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Christianity Today, October, 2011

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Should Pastors Perform Marriages for Cohabitating Couples?

Observers weigh in.

Compiled by Ruth Moon | posted 9/26/2011 10:31AM

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A recent poll conducted by LifeWay Research found that 58 percent of Protestant pastors would perform marriage ceremonies for cohabitating couples; 31 percent would not, and 10 percent were not sure.

"If I believed them to be in sin, why wouldn't I help get them out? The apostle Paul addresses that; if you're having trouble keeping your hands to yourself, then marry her. Basically, I think it's over-scrupulous—overly pietistic—to refuse to perform a ceremony that gets someone from a morally questionable situation into an honorable estate."

Douglas Wilson, minister, Christ Church, Moscow, Idaho

"I will most likely officiate at a wedding for a couple who has been living together. The arms of the church need to be open, giving them an opportunity to know the grace of Christ and hopefully to become a part of the congregation. What I do with people is that when they come with a situation where they've been living together before they get married, I talk with them about engaging with the church. There are a lot of issues that we could worry about in the world. For me, that's just not one that's high on the list for me. I just want to have the arms of the church embrace them and I want them to sense the grace of God."

Kurt Fredrickson, associate dean, Fuller Theological Seminary

"Under most state law, cohabitating couples have no legal protection from such things as abandonment, adultery, property protection, or financial support, so marriage is clearly the best legal option to protect the person you love. So if a pastor refuses to marry the couple based on moral grounds, the couple is robbed of the benefits of marriage in a sense. However, social science research shows that cohabitating couples actually sabotage their chances for a lifetime of happiness by their premarital cohabitation. So if a pastor marries the couple based on the fact that marriage is a better (both legally and spiritually) union for the couple without explaining these facts, the couple is robbed of the understanding of how cohabitation sabotages a marriage. The benefits of doing things in the proper order cannot be underestimated and ought to be explained. When couples understand the implications of their actions, in choices of marriage or cohabitation, they can make better decisions for themselves and their partner. Pastors can come alongside and bring wisdom and counsel to the couples' decision, and use the question 'Should I perform your marriage?' as an entrée to leading them and their future together closer to the foot of the cross, where their marriage will thrive permanently."

Lynne Marie Kohm, John Brown McCarty Professor of Family Law, Regent University School of Law

"While we are always attracted to cut-and-dried answers, it's important to carefully consider the situation and makeup of those to whom we minister before giving counsel. Imagine you are a pastor to a community that lives in poverty and are counseling a couple that has lived together for ten years, has several children, and live on food stamps. Asking them to separate would mean separating a household, at least temporarily, and asking the family to, in effect, endure the stresses and dangers of divorce when this family does not have the resources to withstand it. On the other hand, imagine a pastor sitting with two college students who have been living together for six weeks, are caught up in the excitement of romance, and 'want to make it permanent.' Very likely they need to separate and find help developing a more realistic view of themselves and setting the relationship on a much more certain foundation. In other words, knowing that a couple is cohabitating doesn't really tell you all you need to know to love them well. The goal is to help cohabitating couples understand what they must know and do to live in the pattern of covenant faithfulness that God has given us. The pathway there is one that must be discerned with wisdom and care."

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Should Pastors Perform Marriages for Cohabitating Couples?, October 2011, Vol. 55, No. 10, Page 18

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Displaying 1–5 of 43 comments

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Joe Jones

October 10, 2011 10:47am

I must say that I am saddened at the number of pastors willing to perform the ceremony without first asking the couple to reconcile their sin. Cohabitation is a practical demonstration of an unbiblical view of marriage. Marrying the couple before first reconciling the rebellious view of marriage is irresponsible and makes the pastor an accomplice in their sin. The couple must first demsonstrate a solid commitment to a biblical view of marriage. If they move from sinful and rebellious cohabitation to marriage covenant in the course of sixty minutes, how can we possibly try to convince ourselves that the couple is going into the marriage with a healthy commitment to the covenant? And as to the assertion that it is legalistic not to marry them, the opposite is true. The former asks for a change of heart (from rebellious to submissive) prior to marriage, while the latter seeks a change in legal status that keeps things looking nice and neat on the outside.

Pastor Terry Oliver

October 05, 2011 1:31am

40 years of pastoral ministry has taught me that our ministry is guided by the 2 edged sword of God's word...law and gospel. Of course there is sin in co-habitation, and it has consequences, which we can point out without judging. But there is grace in a couple, any couple who in faith, hope and love desire to make a lasting covenant before God of their lives in marriage. I have turned down couples requests to do a wedding ceremony, but it has only been because of a view of marriage that was less than a lifelong commitment before God, NOT because they were living together. To say we will not marry a couple who are living together makes us custodians only of a legalist church unable to speak a word of transformation to an "adulterous and sinful generation".

anna marone

October 04, 2011 1:55pm

it should be validating this in a way that goes beyond marriage as a creation institution and gets to what marriage is teaching in the ceremony of the church and the church's stewardship of marriage." "Now here is another truth alltogether, more on this topic thankyou"

Bob Roberson

October 04, 2011 12:56pm

Yes, I would perform a marriage service for cohabitating couples. When I became minister at the church I am at, there were cohabitating couples worshiping here. When I found out about them, I started ministering to them a couple at a time. I challenged them to obey God and stop living together. I am thankful to say that all were married and still are.

Gregg

October 03, 2011 10:39pm

Depends. If a couple is living together with children and have been living as married and committed to one another yes. Ridiculous to require a mom or dad to split to get legally "married." Two college kids shacking up need to get righteous. Simple answers are not simple in the real world. There is no biblical marriage with pastors officiating. That's how we do it in the US more or less so the question still stands. Biblical marriage does seem to have one requirement - lots of wine.

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