What type of pastor becomes involved in adultery? Some observers have differentiated as many as seven profiles. But Marie Fortune’s simple distinction between predators and wanderers is perhaps more helpful. Another type, the lovers, is a third.
Predator.
The pastor who actively seeks opportunities to abuse women sexually can be called a predator. The predator uses his power and position to coerce or manipulate. He deliberately moves beyond the boundaries of propriety and takes his victims with him.
Many predators have a string of conquests or are involved with several women simultaneously.
In “Is Nothing Sacred?” Marie Fortune notes that the pastoral sex offender does not differ significantly from his nonclergy counterpart.
“He is manipulative, coercive, controlling, predatory, and sometimes violent,” she writes. “He may also be charming, bright, competent, and charismatic. He is attracted to powerlessness and vulnerability. He is not psychotic, but is usually sociopathic; that is, he has little or no sense of conscience about his offending behaviors. He usually will minimize, lie, and deny when confronted. For these offenders, the ministry presents an ideal opportunity for access to possible victims of all ages.”
Wanderer.
In contrast to the predator, the wanderer is generally not a violent offender. Under normal circumstances, he would never contemplate a sexual liaison with a congregant. However, an overwhelming crisis or a major transition in his life may tip the balance.
The wanderer is generally less successful personally and professionally than the predator. According to Fortune, the wanderer “has difficulty maintaining boundaries in relationships, and attempts to meet private needs in public arenas.” He falls into sexual misconduct through contact with an equally needy woman who “holds the pastor in total positive regard to the point of adoration.”
The predator and the wanderer respond to detection differently. The predator will generally use all means to destroy those who bring accusations against him or those who support his accusers. The wanderer, in contrast, is unlikely to mount an effort to protect himself.
Lover.
Like the predator and wanderer, the lover transgresses the boundaries of sexual propriety. But he is motivated neither by the thrill of conquest nor by the need to overcome inadequacies. Rather, this pastor senses that he is in love, and the recipient of his affections happens to be a member of his congregation.
In “Sex in the Parish,” Karen Lebacqz and Ronald Barton write, “This pastor knows that developing a sexual relationship with a parishioner is suspect and tries diligently to guard against any inappropriate behavior. But this pastor falls in love. And sometimes … the pastor marries the parishioner.”
Of course, there is no stereotypical perpetrator of sexual misconduct, but these three categories help to identify what motivates an abuser.
AVOIDING THE ZONE
Taking precaution means being alert for the signs that the relationship is approaching the forbidden zone.
A pastor may enter a counseling relationship fully intending to maintain a proper balance between closeness and distance. Yet he may begin to develop sexual feelings for her while remaining unwilling to admit the danger.
Violation of the boundary of proper intimacy rarely occurs imperceptibly, however. Generally it is preceded by ample warning signs:
1. Conversation is becoming increasingly personal; the pastor talks unduly about himself.
2. The pastor’s physical contact with the congregant has moved beyond a warm handshake to friendly pats, even hugs.
3. The pastor finds himself fantasizing about a sexual relationship with the congregant and does not dismiss such thoughts.
4. The pastor offers to drive the congregant home.
5. The pastor begins to arrange meetings with the congregant outside his established counseling routine (such as over lunch).
6. The pastor increasingly desires to hide his growing feelings for, interest in, and meetings with a congregant from his accountability systems, especially his spouse.
“Without exception, the clergy involved in the sexual affairs,” writes Peter L. Steinke in Clergy Affairs, “asserted that they could have terminated the affairs at any time. But none had ended the alliance until discovered or confronted. All portrayed this sense of omnipotence. They underestimated the power of attachment needs and emotional forces; they overestimated their power to disentangle themselves.”
Because he can refuse to acknowledge a growing sexual interest in a counselee, the married pastor should entrust to his wife the right to veto a long-term counseling relationship with any female congregant.
Paul’s warning is clear: “Let any one who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall” (1 Cor. 10:12).
MAKING A HEALING MOMENT
For some male pastors, the risks involved in ministry to women may simply be too great. But the vast majority of male pastors simply cannot avoid counseling female congregants. When a person dies, for example, the pastor is inevitably involved in grief counseling, however brief. When serious family problems arise, the pastor is often the person to whom family members–including women–turn.
It is not unusual for a wounded congregant to develop feelings for her pastoral caregiver. What the pastor perceives to be awakened sexual feelings on the part of the congregant, however, may be an expression of deeper longings and needs. The reason is simple. From 30 to 70 percent of women who seek psychological treatment report a history of sexual abuse.
The woman with whom a pastor is tempted to have a sexual relationship may be like “Kathi Carino.” As a child she was deeply wounded by a father who took her into the basement “where he stripped me naked and whipped me with his belt before raping me.” The wounds that scarred Kathi’s young life left her with both a deep distrust of people and a need for acceptance. Were her pastor to interpret her attraction to him as the license for a sexual indiscretion, his act would be one more step in the downward spiral destroying her sense of person.
The male pastor can turn an impending sexual disaster into a life-giving moment. To do so, he must deny his instinctive tendency to take the congregant’s expression of erotic feelings at face value and–to use Rutter’s words–“give up his sexual agenda toward her, once and for all.”
Once this occurs the pastor can work with the congregant to explore the painful memories, unhealthy patterns of relating to males, and other realities now masquerading as love toward the pastor. For their congregants as well as themselves, pastors can turn the moment of temptation into an occasion of healing.
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Stanley J. Grenz is Pioneer McDonald professor of Baptist heritage and ethics at Regent College in Vancouver, B.C.Roy D. Bell is professor of family ministries at Carey/Regent College in Vancouver. Adapted from “Betrayal of Trust” by Stanley J. Grenz and Roy D. Bell. Copyright (c) 1995 by Stanley J. Grenz and Roy D. Bell. Used by permission of InterVarsity Press, P.O. Box 1400, Downers Grove, IL 60515.
Copyright (c) 1995 Christianity Today, Inc./LEADERSHIP Journal
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Copyright © 1995 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. Click here for reprint information on Leadership Journal.
