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CHARACTER FORGED FROM CONFLICT (p. 20)Jim Henry, pastor of First Baptist Church of Orlando, explains how your worst days in ministry can become the best shaper of your soul.
What motivates you to take a stand in a potentially explosive situation?
I always engage conflict when the health of the church is threatened. As a pastor, I must protect the sheep.
What runs through your mind when you consider entering a conflict?
That I’ll get hateful letters, volatile phone calls, that some will leave the church. I’ve got to be geared up mentally and spiritually to accept that. Whatever stance I take, I will be misunderstood.
Given all the conflict you’ve endured, how have you kept your enthusiasm for God’s work?
I recognize that often conflict in church comes from conflict somewhere else, either currently or way back. The church or the pastor merely becomes the lightning rod for it. I try to understand why my critic is upset. But I too have to be willing to say, “I was wrong.”
SHIELDING YOUR HEART FROM STRIFE (p. 27) Jock Ficken, pastor of St. Paul’s Lutheran Church in Aurora, Illinois, lists 5 ways to limit the impact of conflict on your soul.
- 1. Write your prayers to God. This brings the conflict before God, slows me down, and brings clarity to my tangle of thoughts and emotions.
- 2. Go to the circle of friends. I draw on local pastors, staff, my wife to help put the conflict in proper order.
- 3. Sweat it out. Running releases the stress that builds within me.
- 4. Dig for the nugget of truth. Conflict needs to be mined for its nugget of truth. My ministry has been positively shaped more by the hundreds of criticisms I’ve received than it has by a thousand compliments.
- 5. Keep outside interests. I now complement—not escape—my work with community, family, and educational interests.
HOW I REALIZED I WAS HURTING PEOPLE(p. 31)Mark Lauterbach, pastor of First Baptist Church of Los Altos, California, tells of his discovery and what he did about it.
Bill affirmed my ministry and said he appreciated me. Then he blurted, “Pastor, we’re trying as hard as we can, and nothing seems to please you.”
Apparently, I projected such demands for his spirituality that Bill felt discouraged.
I was called to serve a church as its senior pastor at 31. I had a plan and a schedule, and I was going to make it happen. Instead of a leading shepherd, I became a driving rancher.
But for me to change, I had to experience weakness.
A few years ago, the church faced a series of crises. Two staff members moved. A conflict among the leadership simmered. I began to have chest pains, then insomnia. My memory lapsed. Sometimes I would weep uncontrollably.
Out of energy and motivation and health, I went to the board. They gave me time off. In the weeks that followed, I received more than 150 cards and notes. In weakness I was met with mercy and compassion.
I have come to feel grateful. I now sometimes walk around on a Sunday and watch people serve, without pay. I am filled with wonder at how love for God can move one to such sacrifice.
NORTH AMERICAN GUIDE TO CHURCH DRAGONS (p. 34)Louis McBurney, a psychiatrist and founder of Marble Retreat in Colorado, tells how to identify and approach two dangerous species.
1. Frustratorius Slipperious. The passive-aggressive congregant appears friendly and supportive. Only after you’ve entrusted this dragon with an important task will you begin to be confused by this person’s procrastination, uncooperative behavior, or behind-the-scenes manipulation.
How to tame this dragon: Two approaches—assertive confrontation or protective distancing—can lessen your vulnerability to passive-aggressive people and reduce your frustration. I prefer confronting such dragons, which relieves my irritation and models a productive skill for the passive-aggressive person.
2. Accusorius Selfrighteousi. The church member who projects, hurls blame, coated with self-righteousness: “I’m not angry (lustful, controlling, etc.) but you, Pastor, are the most angry and hostile person I’ve ever seen. I’ve had to tell the ‘truth’ to others about how you’ve attacked me (tried to seduce, manipulate, etc).”
It’s tempting for a pastor to try to prove his or her point, but arguing your point will only add to your frustration. Even more dangerous is trying to mollify the person by admitting some degree of culpability—”I can see how you might have thought that.”
How to tame this dragon: Refuse to be drawn into trading accusations. Stick with the truth, and be sure you have witnesses to conversations.
THE DAY REV. HENDERSON BUMPED HIS HEAD (p. 39)William H. Willimon writes a humorous parable about a pastor who accidentally bumps his head and then can’t stop telling the truth.
MAKING CHANGES WITHOUT GETTING PEOPLE STEAMED (p. 42)Larry Osborne, pastor of North Coast Church in Vista, California, shares how to do what’s needed, while keeping the pressure low.
The fiercest battles are seldom fought over theology. More often, they are fought over change, sometimes even the slightest change. I’ve used a process that has smoothed the way for change.
Test the waters. The first thing I do with a new idea is find out how people will react should the change take place. First, it lets me know if my dissatisfaction with the status quo is shared by others. Second, testing the waters tells me what changes not to make. Finally, it tells me what aspects of a proposed change will cause the most resistance and who the resisters are most likely to be.
Listen and respond to resisters. People who resist our ideas are sometimes labeled adversaries. I prefer to see them as advisers. They can transform a good idea into a great idea.
Sell individuals before groups. When an idea is presented to a group, everyone’s opinions become a matter of public record, and public stands are hard to change.
Lead boldly. I don’t mean running roughshod over those who disagree with me. I do mean clearly making my views known and doing everything I can to persuade the holdouts to follow. Bold leadership is needed, or a handful of critics will hold off an army of supporters.
EXPLAINING UNHAPPY STAFF DEPARTURES (p. 51)Douglas J. Brouwer, pastor of First Presbyterian Church in Wheaton, Illinois, answers the question, “When a staff member leaves, should you tell the true reasons?”
Last spring our congregation said good-bye to one of its pastoral staff members. From the beginning, the relationship was troubled.
Unable to resolve the difficulties on our own, the church began to take sides and entrench positions. I asked our elders to hire consultants who specialize in church conflict.
The consultants uncovered systemic issues in the church, including a pattern of inadequate closures with pastoral staff members. This time, however, coached by our consultants, the resignation was fully explained. In fact, the staff member and I together wrote a letter to the congregation, giving as many of the reasons for the resignation as we could. Even the terms of the severance were disclosed in the letter, something no one in the church had ever seen. The letter was a large step toward healing.
I designed a service of farewell for this staff member. The response was positive. Even visitors, who knew nothing of the conflict, remarked that they were impressed by the care we were taking with good-byes.
WAR OF THE BASEBALL CAPS (p. 54)David Hansen, pastor of Belgrade Community Church in Belgrade, Montana, tells a gripping story of conflict he faced in a church. To end the conflict, he writes, he had to change the way he was leading.
RESISTING THE URGE TO HIT BACK (p. 60)Gary Preston, pastor of Bethany Church in Boulder, Colorado, tells how, when revenge tempts you, to forgive completely.
1. Recognize my weak spots. Most people tend to be sensitive where they’ve been battered numerous times. Some of my worst conflicts in ministry have involved people who I felt lacked grace and understanding, so I’m quickly set off by people who excel in fault-finding. As I learn to recognize my weak spots, I am better able to control my responses.
2. Resist my first impulse. That’s the next move toward forgiveness—recognizing that, if given the right circumstances, I could exact a vicious retribution.
3. Admit my guilt. In many instances, there are two guilty parties in conflict. Therefore, I cannot have any part in repaying the wrong.
4. Avoid pulpit revenge. The public forum is not the place to confront a critic.
5. Forgive one at a time. While thinking I could forgive in one composite act, I discovered I have to forgive one by one.
6. Speak about the person to others. When speaking positively about someone, the positive words forming on my lips began to work on the feelings in my heart.
7. Take them to the Lord in prayer. Reciting negative thoughts and feelings to the Lord allowed me to ask God to forgive me for my sin. I was then able, with his help, to offer forgiveness to others.
WORKIN’ 5 TO 9 (p. 86)Ed Rowell, associate editor of Leadership, presents the surprises from a national survey on the work habits of pastors.
Surprise 1: Who is driving pastors to work hard. Almost half of pastors surveyed said they are working too hard. (Average: 55 hours per week.) But this is not primarily because of members’ expectations or pressure from a church board. The reasons pastors gave were overwhelmingly self-generated: “I expect too much of myself,” “I love what I do so much I don’t always know when to stop,” “I find it hard to say ‘no’.”
Surprise 2: Where the time actually goes. Pastors estimated they spent about 14 hours each week in leading meetings and worship services, and doing administrative tasks. Time logs, however, revealed those same pastors actually spent almost 25 hours in such tasks—nearly double what they estimated.
Surprise 3: How large-church pastors spend time. The only real difference in the way solo pastors and pastors with staff spend their time is this: Senior pastors spend two more hours per week leading meetings and services, while solo pastors spend an extra hour each week in pastoral care. Pastoring is pastoring, and the way time is spent shifts little based on church size.
Surprise 4: How pastors learn to manage time. Most pastors have had to learn “how to work smart” through painful trial and error. More than half of pastors have never had any training in time management. And more than one-third don’t use any time-management tools.
Surprise 5: How pastors feel about their work. An overwhelming 91 percent of pastors feel satisfied with the kind of work they do.
7 TRENDS AFFECTING YOU (p. 95)Consultant Lyle Schaller explains why you may be feeling ministry is harder today.
Seven major trends converged during the last third of the twentieth century. These changes have complicated the role and broadened the responsibilities of the parish pastor.
- Churchgoers who were satisfied with average quality and limited choices began to disappear.
- The successor generations came with demands for excellence and attractive choices.
- The level of competition among congregations to attract and retain new members increased.
- The ecumenical movement of the 1960s made it relatively easy for people to switch religious traditions.
- A disproportionate number of the churchgoers born after World War II prefer the large churches that can respond to their demands for quality, choices, and specialized ministries.
- Congregations who used to send money to hire someone to be engaged in missions now train and support their members to do mission.
- Many denominational systems have not been able to respond creatively and effectively to the pleas for help from congregational leaders. (But the calls for help are being answered by parachurch organizations, magazines, etc.)
The number-one benefit of these seven trends is that they are forcing pastors to think with greater intentionality. The second benefit: congregations are increasingly willing to accept that they are not called to do everything.
WE GREW UP IN A PASTOR’S HOME (p. 102)Three PK’s give candid reports on the lasting impact.
First, New Mexico pastor John H. Morgan identifies “What My Dad Did Right”:
He brought me into his world. It was a given in our house that when Dad walked out the door, I was invited. The beauty of Dad’s method was that he did not have to alter his schedule, just his focus.
He caught me doing something right. I was not an outstanding athlete, but when I did play, he was usually there and yelling, “All right, Johnny!”
He took advantage of the window years. During the “window years” of a child’s development, from 6 to 12, Dad would take me out of school for up to two weeks to go deep-sea fishing with him. Some parents might raise an eyebrow at that, but the education was tenfold what school could produce.
In “The Price of Living with a Great Pastor,” Lena Butler (pseudonym) recalls sadly:
To Dad every request from a member constituted a command performance. Family plans were canceled without question. Protests were pointless. Even the youngest child could recite Dad’s response: “Don’t you understand? God called me to serve these people. My work is to do the Lord’s work. How can I refuse? They need me.” And he would be gone.
In “Tribute to My Predecessor,” Ralph Nite, Jr., remembers a night when he and his pastor-father went to help an older man in the congregation who couldn’t get his sick wife back in bed.
In one of life’s ironies, I am now a pastor in the same inner-city church where my father served on that winter night three decades ago. Like the first disciples, my inclination is to jockey with my ministerial peers for position. Servanthood is not an attitude pastors come by naturally.
Yet I remember that old man, his wife lying helpless on the floor in the middle of the night. He didn’t need an appointment; he needed a servant.
“WHERE WERE YOU?” (p. 107)Gary Fenton, a pastor in Birmingham, Alabama, explains why some people don’t think their pastor is accessible enough.
A common complaint lodged against pastors is that they are not accessible to their members. Often, this may be a misunderstanding: The minister and the church have different perceptions of what being accessible means. Usually, a congregation praises its pastor for being accessible if the pastor has one of these qualities:
1. Visibility. Some churches define accessibility as, “We see our pastor at public gatherings.”
2. Personality. Some define accessibility not as time spent, but as a warm smile, listening ear, and firm handshake.
3. Pulpit presence. When you hear some pastors preach, you feel you have had a wonderful conversation with them.
For a pastor to be perceived as accessible also depends on congregational factors:
1. Previous pastors’ style. New pastors are measured as accessible in comparison to their immediate predecessor. (In high-turnover congregations, your “predecessor” is the many pastors of the churches members moved from.)
2. Members’ work environments. Members who see their pastor less as a chaplain and more of a leader want their pastor to be as accessible as the leader in their company.
3. Members’ age. Those born prior to 1940 feel an accessible pastor takes the initiative to contact them. Baby boomers and Generation Xers expect an accessible pastor to respond to their calls.
HOW THE FAMILY CHURCH GROWS (p. 111)Three pastors talk honestly about change in a smaller congregation.
What does a smaller-church pastor have to change internally, for the church to be able to grow?
Martin Giese, pastor of Faith Baptist Church in Park Rapids, Minnesota: Recognize the existing leaders. We do ourselves and the kingdom a disservice when we conclude we’re the leaders when, in actuality, in every church there are people who are already leaders. Our credibility goes up as we recognize those leaders God has placed in that church. Then, as time passes, they grant us more leadership opportunities. Kathy Callahan-Howell, pastor of Winton Community Free Methodist Church in Cincinnati, Ohio: As a church planter, I had to change from planter mode to pastor mode—that was a crisis. While planting the church, nobody else was making decisions, because there wasn’t anybody else, so my husband and I made all the decisions. Figuring out when to shift into using other people was hard. Martin: Many people in a rural setting see themselves as a ceo; they are management, and they may see the pastor as labor. Gary Farley, director of the Center for Rural Church Leadership: Most older churches have developed bell cows—matriarchs and patriarchs who have carried them through difficult times. But then a lot of young pastors arrive with a kind of military mindset: “I’m ordained, I’m going to lead, and this old guy needs to get out of my way.” In a small church, different people can lead parades around different things. Good leaders have sense enough to know when they need to be out front and when they need to be in the back somewhere. Over time, as people see you’re not there for your aggrandizement, more and more trust devolves to you.
1998 by the author or Christianity Today/Leadership Journal. For reprint information call 630-260-6200 or contact us.
