Summertime is when weddings abound. No one longs for them more than the abundance of single women in our nation’s churches. The dearth of marriage opportunities for most of these women calls forth certain coping strategies, one of which I’ll call the “Anna syndrome” after the prophetess in Luke 2:36-38 who hung around the Jerusalem temple and happened to catch the baby Jesus on a good day.
Anna had been married at one point and as a widow was presumably living off her husband’s estate. But he’d been dead many years and she had no children to provide for her, so perhaps she was quite poor. But instead of resorting to prostitution, which was the sole choice for women back then, she lingered about the temple and prayed.
I bring this Bible passage up because of memories that arose while helping a single female friend move. I got the job of organizing the piles of notes she had lying around. It struck me that so many were related to various church events geared to keeping members busy: retreats, visiting speakers, conferences, and Bible studies. This woman was in her 60s, poor and headed toward an old age on Social Security. She hung around church because it’s the only family she has in the area.
What good had all these church events done her, I wondered, in terms of helping her find a Christian man and build a family of her own? Isn’t that what the Bible encourages us all to do in 1 Cor. 7 in terms of dealing with sexual desires? Doesn’t Psalm 68 say God sets the lonely in families? I’m talking nuclear families, not this great herd of singles so prevalent in churches today. This woman’s pastor barely noticed her because women like her were plentiful in his congregation. She had chances to get out and get more of a life, but she tended to spend many of her free weekends doing something at the church instead of, say, foster care, being a Big Sister, volunteering in the community, writing a book, helping people learn English or do their taxes, finding a man through a singles website, and so on.
I’m not criticizing church attendance per se, but I feel sorry for these church groupies. My friend was dying to meet a man, but there were way too few of them at her church. Single women tend to hang around church. Single men do not.
Recently, I counseled another single female friend – also jobless and poor – to move to another state and get a new life. But, she protested, she just could not give up Friday night worship at this church. But leaders at this church could care less about her; she is close to being homeless and they have not helped her.
As for helping her find a mate – which would solve a multitude of her problems – why is it that pastors in places like Japan and India see it as their duty to help their singles match up, but most American pastors could not be bothered?
So many questions, so few answers. A few women I know took radical action to get themselves a family instead of filling their days with church events. One Catholic woman moved back to her family in Texas, enlisted their help in finding a mate, and got married. “Your church is not your family,” she said. “Your family’s your family.”
A single Presbyterian friend in Florida wasn’t seeing men at her church, so she joined a matchmaking service, found a man, and now has two daughters. Both of these women are now set for life.
As for me, I realized I was falling into this same trap 12 years ago, so stopped many of my church activities, switched to volunteering with Kurdish immigrants, and eventually adopted a little girl, who has turned into a darling 4-year-old. (My brothers and parents live in the Pacific Northwest, so I am basically on my own here on the East Coast.) And I discovered I was just fine missing all those healing conferences and Bible speakers because I had basically heard it all in the first 25 years of my born-again life.
I’ve loved – finally – having my own family, albeit a tiny one. But it wasn’t my church or Christian friends who encouraged me to go the route of the working single mom.
Consider your options, my fellow single women. You have so much to gain.
