Singular Hope - Christianity Today

In my early 20's, I couldn't relate to my over-40 friend who was beside herself because she didn't have a husband. I, like so many others, thought she would be better off if she could just be content with singleness.

But 20 years later, I know differently. Singleness hurts. And I learned how to minister to those who bear its pain.

I married for the first time at the age of 40. Getting married later in life was a spiritual battle of epic proportions. As an older single, I warred against doubt, discouragement, rejection, and depression. I navigated the minefield of today's male-female relationships. Bitterness, resentment, and even antipathy toward the opposite sex had foiled my attempts to find true love.

In the midst of this invisible war, several well-meaning Christians offered some unhelpful advice. "You just need to be content," they said.

"Just be content" encouraged me as an optimistic 20-year-old. But it became hurtful when I began fearing my 30s, 40s, or even 50s without any prospects for marriage. It was easy to be content when I had hope. But when that hope was weak, I needed it replenished.

Older singles grieve the loss of their youth, lost years of love, and the children that they have not borne. The pain of extended singleness isn't so much coveting a relationship, but grieving lost dreams. If it is insensitive to tell a recent widow to be content in the midst of her loss, it is equally insensitive to say it to someone who is widowed by circumstance.

A grieving single needs encouragement to persevere through this trial and to continue believing and trusting in God. "Just be content" tells hurting singles not to hope, not to desire, not to dream, not to have faith, but to abandon the cry of their hearts. Surrendering hope is the wrong answer to the question: "Why am I not married?" An extended period of singleness presented my faith in God with its biggest challenge.

Sole searching

The work God does in singles' lives to prepare them for marriage often involves suffering. God may use the pain of singleness to better prepare them to be a loving spouse or to inspire them to seek healing. The heavy hand of God may help a single to repent of sin.

When their loneliness lasts too long, many singles begin to suppress their God-given desire to marry. They bury themselves in their job or church work to stave off loneliness and to prove how productive they can be without a partner. Busy schedules crowd out opportunities to socialize and to find love.

Some singles worry about obsessing over marriage, so they neglect to prepare themselves for the possibility. They wrongly assume that if it is going to happen, it will just happen.

But denial and distraction don't diminish the pain. When singles confess their frustrations, they have most likely neared the end of their faith. Typically, they have been silently struggling with this issue for years, maybe decades. They have stretched what faith they have as far as it can go. Now they need something more. They need help.

What helps the lonely?

When Paul explained to the Philippians, "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am" (Phil. 4:11), he followed that with, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" (v. 13). The contentment follows confidence in Christ. But many long-term singles have lost that confidence, doubting that they may ever marry. "I can do all things, except find someone to love me."

Paul goes on to say, "Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction" (Phil. 4:14). Churches that follow the Philippian church's example when ministering to singles can restore their hope. Most singles would be delighted for other Christians to come alongside with counsel and care.

In many ways singles need the same things that other "broken" people need: prayer, support, encouragement, and affirmation. Specifically, singles need assurance that they can learn to be content within today's trials and that they can believe Christ will give them the strength to do all things, including marry.

Tangible help can be valuable too. If someone in the church desired an education or a certain job, practical help might include introducing the job-seeker to someone who can advance their cause.

In the same way, churches can support a single person's dream to marry by including him or her in social opportunities and by introducing new people to each other. Many good marriages have been made by a supportive friend offering to play a little matchmaker.

Searching for true love requires risk, persistence, stamina, and guts. It expends tremendous emotional energy. For those who have done this year after year to no avail, it is easy to give up, to curl up at home with a pet rather than risk disappointment or rejection again.

That's when the lonely warrior needs an ally—someone to remind him that God delights in fulfilling our heart's desires and that he rewards those who diligently seek him, someone to assure her that her desire for marriage is godly.

I used to think long-term singles needed to learn contentedness. But then I became one. Now, I have a better answer for men and women who want to be married.

I acknowledge their need for a spouse and offer to pray that the desires of their hearts will be met.

Kimberly Hartke is the founder of True Love Ministries in Reston, Virginia. truelove@northernva.com