Related articles and links |  1 of 7

I sat down in church on a recent Sunday, flipped through the bulletin, and saw that the readings for the day were about marriage: Genesis 2:23-25 and Matthew 19:4-6. I groaned. After a still-fresh breakup with a boyfriend, the last thing I wanted was to sit through another sermon on the joys of matrimony. That sermon might apply to the 9 a.m. service, I thought, but here at the 11:45 service there are lots of single professionals.

To his credit, my pastor tried to make the sermon relevant to those of us who weren't married. And as I listened, I became persuaded that maybe I had something to learn. After all, I'm not a thief, but I can usually find something valuable in sermons about stealing. He spoke about the responsibility of the community to support people's marriage vows; I could sign on to that. But then he veered: "This is not only germane to those of you who are married," he said, "but also to those of you on the marriage market who are looking to be married."

He could have stopped there, but instead he added, "Though, frankly, if you're single and Christian and you want to get married, you're in the wrong city—unless you're male. It's the same demographic story in all the churches in New York City. We have many bright, interesting single women and not too many single men." He was trying, I think, to be funny. He failed. All the single women in my pew cringed. A single man across the aisle smirked.

I know what you're thinking: Another article by a single Christian kvetching about how the church is so insensitive—how her needs aren't being met, how she's not being respected. Another single Christian demanding to have it both ways—"Please fix me up with your cute nephew, but while you're at it, validate my singleness, and, whatever you do, don't make me feel like there's something wrong with me because I'm not married."

I hope this isn't another "beat up on the church" session. Not that I don't think there are areas in which the church could improve its outreach to single adults. Sensitivity to single people is a problem that we should take seriously, if only because many single Christians report they've stopped attending church because of jokes like the one my pastor attempted.

"The church is mostly unaware that there's even a question to be asked," says Debra Farrington, author of One Like Jesus: Conversations on the Single Life (Loyola). "Churches have unconsciously bought into the belief that being single is being miserable. They might pat singles' heads and say it's okay, but they don't really believe that."

For starters, we should give some thought to language. Farrington, for instance, wonders why we call 20s and 30s fellowship groups "pairs and spares." Judging by their vocabulary, many churches make unmarried Christians sound like an afterthought. Our words matter—not only what we say, but what we don't say.

"The church doesn't realize how many people avoid services because they are too focused on families and alienate singles," says Lana Trent, the 37-year-old coauthor of Single and Content (Word). "It doesn't take much to throw in an example about singles. You can talk about someone's roommate instead of their spouse."

But sensitivity is not the main question. The main question is, How do we think about singleness? Do single Christians have special needs? And, if so, how does the church go about meeting them?

When I moved to New York, I visited churches for a year. One of the reasons I settled at the church I joined is that it doesn't have a singles ministry. No one asked me to serve on the worship team of the singles service or teach in the singles Sunday-school class; my pastor instead asked me to serve on the education committee. And no one invited me to a singles mixer; instead, I mingle with married friends, engaged friends, widowed friends, and other single twentysomethings at the church suppers on Sunday evenings.

next page... |  1 of 7

June 11 2001, Vol. 45, No. 8