Redeeming the Remarried
John grew up Southern Baptist and participated in Sunday school regularly. His family attended church faithfully and was involved in many programs. After high school, John went to college and fell in love with Sharon, the woman of his dreams. But six years into the marriage, John had an affair, and his marriage crumbled. So did John. Spiritually, John walked away from God; physically, he walked away from his family. John quickly fell out of touch with God, the church, and hope.
Diane's family also regularly attended worship services throughout her childhood. Her nondenominational church taught her how to study the Bible and emphasized holy living. Diane tried to live up to that ideal. She married the son of a wealthy family in town but quickly realized that he was an abusive tyrant, driven by selfishness. His vows to love, honor, and cherish meant nothing, and he soon began to torment Diane and their children during alcohol-induced tirades of violence and intimidation. She suffered for many years, but his persistent hardheartedness eventually convinced her that divorce was the only safe course of action. After her divorce, Diane felt a great deal of spiritual shame when she attended church. The looks on people's faces, comments made behind her back, and passionate sermons on divorce all made her feel small and unworthy.
When Diane met John two years later she, too, had drifted from church. Because the pain of their past cautioned them against trust, they took their time courting one another. But once it became clear that they and their children had a future together, they joined in marriage.
Their first priority after the wedding was to get back into church. Living in a new community where no one knew their pasts, they hoped that finding a family of faith would renew their relationship with their Savior and his people.
For six months, they attended a congregation that had been recommended by friends. They quietly participated in Bible classes and worship and waited for the appropriate time to tell their story to one of the ministers. During a personal Bible study with a staff member, they finally shared their experiences of divorce and prodigal living.
"Given the nature of your divorces," the pastor said, "I'm afraid your remarriage is a problem for us. I'm sorry. We can't have you at our church. Your background and past might infect everyone else." With that, he arose from the table and excused himself from their lives.
A Mission Field
After ten years of specializing in ministry to remarried couples and stepfamilies throughout the country, I know that John and Diane's experience is not uncommon. The harshness of the pastor's words might be uncharacteristic, but the result is often the same—exclusion from the local church.
Fortunately, David Instone-Brewer's book Divorce and Remarriage in the Church and others like it are building a new consensus regarding the New Testament's teaching on divorce. Still, Christians disagree on how the church should respond to divorced men and women. When faced with the complexity of stepfamilies, pastors sometimes fall back on theological truths about God's ideal for marriage. Not knowing how to offer practical help for families trying to integrate through remarriage, some ministers zero in on the nature of the preceding divorce or divorces to determine the legitimacy of the current marriage. This is not only unhelpful, but impractical. Even if previous divorces were unbiblical, the couple should not divorce again! Nothing in Scripture suggests that two wrongs make a right.
La complejidad hispana: Todo cambió en el 2012
The Latest in Movie News, May 20, 2013
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Robin
I am coming from a different light of the article. I have a sister who married a man who was married and has child. The family are Catholics but not strong. But he is very controling of her. She would do anything for this man. Do you think she should get divorce from him? This is how he controls her changes words around to make him not out to be wrong. He told her to only stay 2 months at her mother's home. Why are these things happening? He scared her by calling the Police.and tell her only way to solve problems with a divorce.
Mary
I have a friend in my own church who divorced with his wife 10 years ago, according what he said, it was financial matters that caused their devorce, but later I found it is not, his waling away fro God made his marrige crumble.If a devorced person does not find the real reason in himself that caused his failure in the previous marrige, it is impossible for him to live happy in the second marrige.
Jeff
A wonderful article. LIfe is not so simple. Only God knows the heart of man. While I am a Christian conservative it is true that Christians are our own worst enemies. While many pastors pontifcate the Family Research COuncil shows that over 37% of pastors are involved in pornography.... so if we define adultery as does Christ, there should be a lot less pontificating. I know David Instone-Brewer. My wife was in a coma for 4 years before her death. Dr. Brewer and his team spent the better part of a year helping me sort through the painful issues I was confronted with as a 43 year old husband of a wife in a coma with a 10 year old daughter to raise. Striving for perfection is the goal, as Scripture so points out, but condemning people who are remarried is an abomination. The woman at the well is the greatest example of this. Most pastors don't give 2 minds worth concerning the truth of divorce as outlined in the OT. They get stuck on Matthew and think its the be all to end all...