The Minister’s Workshop: Dealing with Illegitimacy

Illegitimate births are not a new problem, even in Christian circles. What is new is the size of the problem today. Approximately 300,000 children are born out of wedlock each year. In addition, many brides are pregnant at the time of marriage.

Without doubt the breakdown of family life, the tendency of some parents to push their children into adulthood at too early an age, and the so-called generation gap are part of the problem. Among other factors are the turn away from objective standards of morality, theories of progressive education that glorify self-expression, an undue emphasis on permissiveness with children, Freudian psychology, and the emphasis on sex in our culture, particularly in the fields of art, entertainment, and advertising.

No minister can assume that his congregation will be exempt from the problem. Sooner or later every pastor will be confronted by situations involving sex outside marriage, either by members of his church or by people in the community to which the church is called to witness. Most often those who come for help do so because the girl is pregnant. Sometimes they or their families will frankly admit the problem. Often, however, they will not mention it and will only ask for a hurried marriage. What should the pastor do?

Whether the couple confess their problem or try to hide it with a request for a quick marriage, the pastor must avoid moralizing or being judgmental. They have come to him for help, and he, in the name of Christ, has an opportunity to minister. Remembering the way Jesus dealt with adulterers and harlots, he must accept them no matter how much he may be repulsed by their sin. He must remember that though Jesus never minced words about the sins of the flesh, he was far more scathing in his dealings with the spiritually proud than he ever was with the morally bankrupt.

Situations like these offer the minister a great opportunity to convey Christ’s grace. Those who have sinned know it only too well. They come with feelings of shock and fear. Some will think they have committeed the unpardonable sin. Others may feel they simply cannot face life any more. Ideas of self-destruction and abortion have doubtless entered their minds.

The pastor’s primary role is to make known the love of God and help the couple find forgiveness and a sense of worth again. “The way of the transgressor is hard,” but the good pastor will help him find deliverance from his guilt and sin through the atoning work of Christ.

But the pastor must help with more than spiritual needs. He should be ready to help the couple decide what to do next. Should marriage be encouraged or discouraged? No one “has to get married,” as the common expression puts it, and sometimes marriage only complicates an already difficult situation.

In deciding whether marriage is advisable, the couple should consider, first, how they really feel toward each other, how long and how well they have known each other, and how ready they are for marriage. In no case should a marriage take place in the absence of love. To marry simply to give a child legitimacy may mean that he will be subjected to the damaging environment of an unhappy home, and perhaps a broken home. Someone has said that marriage is not so much a matter of finding the right person as of being the right person. One who engages in sexual activity to hurt someone else, or out of a sense of rebellion or insecurity, or for a lark, is hardly ready to settle down into a mature family life.

Another consideration is the attitude of parents. Serious thought should be given to any reasons for opposition by either set of parents. A union that alienates one or both families is subjected to a great strain beyond the ordinary problems of marriage.

Again, marriage may be inadvisable if the couple is financially unable to establish a home. Even where conditions seem nearly ideal, adjustment in marriage requires real effort. The added stress of an unwanted child and financial problems may make achievement of a good relationship nearly impossible.

If marriage does not seem advisable, two alternatives present themselves. One is that the mother keep her child, the other that the child be offered for adoption. Only rarely does the first work out satisfactorily. Usually if the couple do not marry, it is best for all concerned to offer the child for adoption. Reputable agencies such as Florence Crittenden Homes and Booth Memorial Hospitals, which are found in most large cities, as well as county and state agencies and church institutions provide channels through which children can be placed in stable and loving family situations.

The pastor should never make decisions for those who come to him with the problem of pregnancy outside marriage. His responsibility is to help them explore all aspects of their situation so that they can make a wise decision about their own future and that of the child, and to make known to them the love and forgiveness and renewal God offers to all who turn to him.—Dr. CHARLES N. PICKELL, Wallace Memorial United Presbyterian Church, Hyattsville, Maryland.

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