The Ideal Relationship and Other Myths about Marriage

Our culture is in danger of taking a normal, delightful, human institution and deifying it.

Even before the last notes of “O Perfect Love” have faded into the hush of the candlelit sanctuary and the misty bridal veil has been raised for the groom’s kiss, I have often wished for the courage to preach a wedding sermon entitled “Marriage Is Not the Greatest.”

Marriage is in trouble today. Divorce statistics have reached alarming numbers. On newsstands, family-oriented magazines publish article after article of advice on improving wedded bliss: How to handle conflict; how to achieve open communication; how to express emotion honestly; how to prevent children from crowding a marriage; how to attain a mutually satisfying sex life. These are just some of the topics covered by Christian, as well as secular, publishers.

But despite the seemingly limitless how-to’s, marriage today seems more fragile than ever. Why?

I believe marriage is in trouble today because society and the church have a faulty view of it—a deified myth of this human, delightful, yet flawed, institution.

Though fertility gods have been dethroned by the advance of Christianity, today’s culture seems to be resurrecting them in a more palatable form. Though a few lone voices speak against the institution, most laud a romantic image of marriage as life’s ultimate source of true joy.

What is the result? A crash. Thousands of crashes. An average of 20 to 30 divorce crashes is printed every day in any medium-sized newspaper.

Why? Because in reality every marriage faces conflict, misunderstanding, smashed fantasies, and bruised egos. Any real marriage held up against the faulty yardstick of total joy will measure short. And if relationships that are meant to give total joy fail, lives are shattered.

What can we do to help destroy this myth, while at the same time offer encouragement and support to the institution of marriage?

I propose reconsideration of a basic truth: Nothing created is ultimate. The world is passing away. Human institutions are temporal. People change. Nothing remains the same except he who is the Alpha and Omega.

This truth applies directly to Christian marriages, for Christians expect their marriages to be a source of joy in their lives. In fact, they are taught to expect their unions to be better, their communication skills more superior, and their sexual relations more satisfying than relationships of people without Christ. Many, then, are shocked when they find they must struggle to find happiness in marriage.

How should the church respond? With newsstand-like advice on how to improve the component parts of marriage? Perhaps, in part; but there needs to be a caution that the overall biblical perspective might become lost in a mass of specifics. Far better than all this advice might be to take a closer look at the Bible to find a sound theological basis for marriage. Such a theology might include the following unmythical truths about marriage:

1.Marriage as a human institution is temporal. It was not meant as, nor will it ever be, an eternal relationship. It is time bound and therefore will pass away at the end of life.

Mark 12:18–27 illustrates this truth. Here the Sadducees, a Jewish sect, challenge Jesus with an argument meant to discredit the resurrection. They tell of seven brothers who all died childless, each having in turn been married to the same woman. Based upon the presupposition of the eternal bond of marriage, the Sadducees try to disprove the resurrection by asking, “Whose wife would this woman be?” Jesus shows the faultiness of their argument by explaining that the woman would not be a wife to any of the seven brothers because human marriage will have no part in the heavenly picture.

When I think of marriage as limited to earthly existence I feel a kind of sadness, even loneliness. Marriage is the most fulfilling human relationship I have experienced, despite its failures. I find it difficult to think of life without my wife. But my sadness results from misunderstanding the words of Jesus. He does not teach that heaven will be devoid of love or intimate relationships. Quite the contrary. Instead, what I now experience in part with one person I will some day experience fully in heaven with God and all his children. Earthly limitations on love relationships will be removed in heaven.

I see marriage as a school with two people in each class. The partners in each class are taught how to love others by loving each other. The school is not meant for this life only, but it directs its pupils toward the perfect relationship of Christ and his church. Marriage is temporal, for this life only. Any attempts to deify it as an institution or make it into a myth of perfect joy will only fail.

2.Marriage is not a totally fulfilling relationship. Marriage partners in today’s increasingly mobile society often find themselves removed from family and friends who have provided additional emotional support. Without new friends or relationships to fill that void, husbands and wives must rely on each other alone for support. Many marriages crumble from that weight. But it is vitally important that marriage partners do not expect their spouses to provide all their emotional support, and that marriage itself does not discourage the development of other relationships.

The church needs to provide marriage partners with more than mere how-to’s on marriage. It must also encourage and foster long-term supportive relationships where people can become grandparents, uncles, aunts, brothers, and sisters to one another.

3.Marriage is not for everyone. In 1 Corinthians 7:25–40, the apostle Paul writes about single and married people. Some Protestants limit this passage, which favors the single state, to Christians undergoing persecution. In all other circumstances, they argue, marriage is to be preferred. But Paul’s argument should not be restricted to times of persecution. He reasons that when Christians face hard battles, it is the single person without the conflicting demands of home and family who is better suited for ministry. Marriage is not wrong, of course; but for the sake of the gospel’s advancement, the single life is better.

We must not view the single life as inferior, especially in regard to certain spiritual tasks in which it is superior to marriage. The church should cultivate positive rather than negative images of the single life. It should demonstrate sensitivity and respect to those who are called by God to be single. By doing this the church will be taking a step toward a more balanced perspective on marriage. If singleness in dedication to God is a desirable option, then marriage will not be viewed as the only route to happiness.

Christian marriage, then, must be viewed within the framework of sound biblical theology. Marriage is not eternal; it is not a relationship that fulfills all emotional needs; it is not for everyone. And marriage is not problem free. The expectancy level for Christian marriage should be biblical. Ecstasy is not always present in even the most stable union, and the popularized myth of sensual love overcoming all obstacles can only lead to disillusionment. The only biblical ground for divorce is unfaithfulness, not sexual dissatisfaction or even boredom.

Faithfulness is the Christian mandate for marriage; joy is its by-product. Romance and a healthy sex life are great and wonderful gifts that may come in marriage—but they are not its ultimate achievement.

What can i say to a bride and groom that would encourage and strengthen their vows to each other in the days ahead?

First of all, I can encourage them to be open to developing other supportive relationships. I might ask some questions to stimulate their thinking. For example, How did your engagement affect your relationship with your friends? What people other than your partner are important to you? Are you uncomfortable around any of your partner’s friends, and if so, why? How are you dealing with these feelings? What do you plan to do about the situation? What friends do you and your partner have in common? What can you both do to strengthen these relationships? To whom do you go to discuss a problem besides your mate?

If a pastor senses there are few or no support relationships for a couple, he owes it to them to suggest steps to develop such support. He might advise them to set aside one night a week to invite another couple in for coffee, to become involved as a couple in a weekly recreation program, or even to initiate a book discussion group with other couples. Practical suggestions to help such a couple fight isolation are just one step toward marital stability.

Second, I can assure the couple that responsibility for cultivating other relationships is not theirs alone. Churches also must be a creative force in combating the fragmentation and isolation of our culture. The period before marriage should be viewed as providing a valuable opportunity to establish a basis for stability in marriage. Couples who have grown children, for instance, might “adopt” an engaged couple. Their hospitality and honest sharing could serve as valuable models for the new couple. Growth groups in churches should invite engaged couples to meetings where they can experience the power and warmth of support and prayer.

Third, I can advise the couple to strengthen and honor its extended family. This loving support system is often the first line of defense against the collapse of a marriage. Any tendency on the part of a pastor or counselor to criticize parents or family without also offering reasons to appreciate them should be discouraged. Couples should be open to frank, yet loving, discussion about how they can both leave their families and still honor them.

Marriage is not the greatest. But it can become greater than all the swelling divorce statistics if we will see it for what it really is.

Frederick Herwaldt, Jr., is pastor of the Onesquethaw Reformed Church in Feura Bush, New York.

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