Sins of the Fathers (and Mothers)

Why are ministries to adult children of alcoholics among the fastest-growing in the church?

After recent bouts with depression, the bittersweet memory of his fortieth birthday, and a recent tangle with the faculty over a trivial matter, the Bible college president sat down in his living room recliner on a lunch break and broke down. Pent-up emotions gushed; heavy, deep sighs voiced over and over: “I don’t want any more. I don’t want any more.”

An anxious, unproductive afternoon at the office followed, then a session with a counselor—and the surprising diagnosis: his present distress was a reaction to growing up in an alcoholic home. The oldest of five children, he had been forced into the role of father to his brothers and sisters after his mother divorced his alcoholic father. Having been denied his childhood, he now erupted in resentment and anger. “I had passed my emotional limit,” he mused. “I suddenly realized that what I was saying was, ‘I don’t want any more responsibility.’ ”

This man is among thousands of adult children of alcoholics (ACOAS) who are discovering their personal struggles are due to growing up in a home with an alcoholic parent. Only recently has the so-called ACOA syndrome been uncovered. Until a decade ago, addiction treatment focused on the alcoholics. Now experts are giving heed to the torment of family members and the kind of adult the children turn into.

Based on what she observed in her clients, Janet Woititz was one of the first to paint a portrait of ACOAS. In her book, Adult Children of Alcoholics, which sold over a million copies, she claimed ACOAS would have at least some of the following traits: They guess at what normal behavior is, feeling they are different from other people; they judge themselves without mercy, finding it difficult to have fun or to follow a project through from beginning to end; they find it as easy to lie as to tell the truth, constantly seeking approval and affirmation; either super-responsible or irresponsible, ACOAS take themselves very seriously and overreact to changes over which they have no control; they are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved; and they tend to be compulsive.

Claims one expert: “They get into ‘overs.’ They overachieve, overeat, overwork, overexercise, and overspend. They develop addictions of different types: to sex, pain, eating, religion, power, money, and spending.”

Confronted with this information, many ACOAS are stunned. Said one, “I always felt like I was different, that I didn’t quite fit, that there was something wrong with me. Now I know why.”

Outfitted with a new perspective about themselves, tens of thousands are seeking out counselors and self-help support groups to resolve their past. ACOA, a national organization built on the 12-step model of Alcoholics Anonymous, has groups throughout the United States. Alanon, part of the vast Alcoholics Anonymous network, also sponsors groups for adult children.

Evangelicals, too, are getting caught up in the “adult children” movement. The college ministry InterVarsity Christian Fellowship devoted the spring 1989 issue of its promotional magazine to looking at adults from dysfunctional families. Besides producing a striking video, Ripped Down the Middle, to create awareness among adult children, they also sponsor seminars and promote campus support groups.

Elmbrook Church, a large evangelical church outside Milwaukee, conducts its own ACOAS groups. Pastor Stuart Briscoe reports that the demand is so great that they have been forced to reduce their small-group sessions to only 14 weeks; after that, participants are referred to community-based groups such as ACOA. More than 500 people flow through the Elmbrook groups each year.

Dave Carder, full-time minister to adult children at First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, California, reports that 350 “adult children” are in their four-part program called New Hope, which culminates in the formation of small support groups. After several appearances on James Dobson’s “Focus on the Family” radio program, Carder has been in touch with over 600 people across the country who lead groups similar to his.

Almost every week I hear of a church that is forming an ACOA group. Staff at Overcomers Outreach, a national Bible-based type of Alcoholics Anonymous, say that their ACOA groups are the fastest-growing part of their ministry.

Provoking Criticism

The movement has provoked criticism. Those who come from more functional homes complain that Christian ACOAS ought to shrug off their past more easily and stop blaming their parents for their own problems. But as Dave Gates, addiction counselor in the Chicago area, says, this reaction is not serious: “Christians who are at first critical become very supportive after they hear of the indignities some of the ‘adult children’ have had to suffer.”

Some claim leaders of the movement overstate the number of adults affected. Dick Robinson, counselor at Elmbrook Church, who often faces this charge, replies, “Look at the figures: one out of four families are affected by alcoholism.” There are an estimated 22 million adult children of alcoholics in the United States, comprising 13 percent of the U.S. adult population.

Robert Ackerman, however, suggests that not all ACOAS are badly marred by their family background. In Same House, Different Homes, he writes, “It is perhaps ironic that I have met so many adult children of alcoholics whose brothers and sisters are not adult children of alcoholics!” Zealots of the movement sometimes fail to recognize this, confronting any ACOA who refuses to admit being greatly troubled with the charge, “You’re in denial.”

Nevertheless, in Ackerman’s own survey of 500 ACOAS nationwide, only 10.7 percent said they were not affected by their parents’ alcoholism, while 78.2 percent reported being highly affected.

Even grandchildren of alcoholics may be among the victims. Dave Carder explains, “If adults go back three generations, half of them will probably find an alcoholic in a parental role. Even when the drinking is not passed on, the traits of the alcoholic family system can be.”

Criticism also revolves around the type of treatment. “Some accuse us of being ‘New Age,’ ” says Carder, “because we stress emotional recovery; yet, our approach is biblical.”

The Church and Recovery

Many churches have found that their regular Bible-study and growth groups do not provide a sufficient climate of acceptance for dealing with the special problems of ACOAS. Paul is a typical example. A dedicated Christian for over 20 years and an adult child of an alcoholic, he has felt unaccepted in his church. “I don’t know if it was my particular sensitivities or if it was just that you weren’t supposed to have any problems; to me the message was that there was something wrong with you if you had a problem.”

One of the major functions of churches ministering to ACOAS should be to create a greater awareness of the problems of the alcoholic family. Elmbrook Church near Milwaukee conducts an ongoing six-session lecture series for this purpose.

An important role churches can perform is to act as a referral agent, linking individuals with community 12-step groups. Local ACOA organizations usually are listed in the phone directory. If no groups exist, individuals can start their own, using the literature Alanon or ACOA will provide. These groups are intended to include people of all beliefs, urging them to trust God in their own terms.

Other churches sponsor their own Christ-centered ACOA groups. Sometimes they do so because people complain that community groups do not give them a chance to deal with issues in a biblical way, or that groups are dominated by a particular non-Christian point of view. Others are involved merely because it is a practical way to get their own members involved.

The First Evangelical Free Church of Fullerton, California, offers one of the most complete recovery programs, called New Hope. It prescribes six weeks of small-group sessions for education, using videotapes produced by their staff, and then 20 weeks of small-group discussions on the characteristics of ACOAS. After participating in these sessions, people are assigned to weekly support groups using a 12-step format, which they attend for as long as 32 weeks. The staff urges people not to continue long after two years, putting the major recovery work behind them and not lingering in the process.

New Hope’s director, Dave Carder, offers materials to other churches wishing to introduce similar programs. Overcomers Outreach also prints a booklet with instructions on how to conduct a Scripture-based group. Groups do not require professional leadership, and as few as two adults can get one started.

In these ways and others Christians can integrate ministry to ACOAS with the larger ministry of the church.

By Charles Sell.

Growing Awareness

Researcher Sandra Wilson compared two groups of evangelical adults: those who were children in alcoholic families and those who were not. Wilson’s findings were decisive: Compared to those who came from more normal homes, ACOAS “appear to be significantly more depressed, guilt-prone, anxious, approval seeking and unable to trust others.”

Mike is an example of how life with an alcoholic can make such a negative mark on a child: “My father used to take his rifle and stagger out of the house, threatening to shoot someone. My mother would send me out to get him. I would find him crouched behind a tree, rifle pointed at a doorway, waiting for someone to step out. I had to persuade him to lower his rifle and go back home with me.” Today, 34 years old, he wonders, “I am afraid. Oh, God, why am I so full of fear? Why can’t I be like others?”

Experts have various explanations for how alcoholic families affect adults. Charles Whitfield in Healing the Child Within claims alcoholic families stifle the development of the child’s sense of self. ACOAS still have inside themselves the frightened, depressed, or anxious child they were. Other experts describe ACOAS as suffering from “posttraumatic syndrome,” which manifests itself in episodes of emotional upheaval, and is typically associated with those who suffered in prison camps.

The most common explanation for understanding alcoholic family dynamics comes from the systems approach. According to this paradigm, every member of an alcoholic’s family is seen as tied into the alcoholic in some way. Instead of liberating each member to be his or her self, the addictive system enslaves its members in enmeshed relationships. Each member is tied to the chaotic, self-centered, unpredictable behavior of the addict, trapped in a rollercoaster existence of ups and downs. Members soon feel the same guilt, shame, frustration, and fear that the alcoholic feels. The resulting stress may produce physical ailments, such as skin rashes.

Sensing the feverish panic of life out of control, ACOAS use vast amounts of energy and effort to stabilize their lives. Each develops his or her own method of coping, some withdrawing, others rebelling. Some, like the college president, take the place of the irresponsible parent and act as parents at a time when they need to be parented. Because they become so accustomed to pacifying the alcoholic parent, many turn into placaters, always avoiding conflict and wanting to please.

Carried over into adulthood, these survival tactics can create many problems. Withdrawers may turn into lonely adults who are unable to relate and be intimate with others. Rescuers can end up being addicted to people who need them; they burn themselves out helping others, often feeling like victims and feeling angry because they cannot say no to others’ demands. They frequently marry alcoholics. Placaters feel at fault for all the bad around them and are filled with guilt and self-loathing.

Despite these explanations, not all ACOAS are quick to agree that they have personal problems or, if they do, that these problems can be traced to their childhood family. Denial is a common response, which is quite understandable since they came from families that practice incredible denial. Wanting to cover up the alcoholic’s problem, the family rarely, if ever, talks about it. Many say it is like having an elephant in the living room and no one mentioning it is there. Wanting to protect themselves and their families, adult children are reluctant to admit they are abnormal or that their families were.

Permission And Support

The church can play an important role in nudging ACOAS toward facing their problems. Unknowingly, I stumbled into this role at the seminary where I teach. One of my students said, “When you mentioned you were facing your alcoholic family background, you gave me permission to face mine. I had read about ACOAS before, but I thought that becoming a Christian wiped out the negative effects of my past.” Jan Hook, director of our school’s counseling center, feels this attitude is common among his clients: “When I suggest their problems might be due to their past, they so often reply, ‘But that was before I became a Christian,’ as if that period of time now has no lasting impact on them.”

By supporting the ACOA movement, church leaders can help correct this attitude and give permission to ACOAS to enter a recovery program. For this reason, pastor Charles Swindoll promotes his church’s New Hope program in various ways, even appearing at the beginning of a staff-produced video to endorse the program.

When adult children become aware of the ACOA syndrome, most are excited by the new view of their struggles. Yet many become depressed, overwhelmed by all the damage they need to deal with. Deluded into thinking they had left the past behind, they may be reluctant, even fearful, to take a closer look. Their childhood family life was a wasteland littered with hurts and disappointments. Some even block out the past, like one woman in our group who is unable to recall anything prior to her fourteenth year.

Because the process is extremely painful, awareness and recovery need to be done in an accepting and supportive environment. A member of our support group explained, “To be able to walk into a group of people who accepted me without conditions and have the freedom to express my emotions was very healing for me. It’s a frightening thing to let your defenses down and be faced with yourself for the first time in your life. It was a scary process. I could not have done it alone.”

For adult children who struggle with depression, addiction, suicidal tendencies, or other serious disorders, individual counseling provides the most effective context for receiving this support. Conversations with an understanding pastor or a friend can help those who are more moderately affected. Many have found that ACOA groups, where the adult child meets with fellow sufferers, provide the safest contexts for recovery.

Trust And The Family

The church is in a unique position to help ACOAS with practical and emotional matters, especially in the areas of forgiveness and trust.

Anger is a central issue for ACOAS. Disappointed, neglected, and sometimes abused by their parents, many are bitter. As children, they did not accept and deal with their childhood anger. This unresolved anger may be a major part of their current emotional make-up. The anger can also be turned inward, causing depression or churning up self-hatred and guilt.

To forgive is not a simple matter for ACOAS. The first step in the process is sometimes the most difficult: facing the offense and experiencing appropriate anger and indignation. Other steps include the confrontation and repentance of the offender, with real forgiveness and reconciliation being the ideal goal.

Many ACOAS who are still enmeshed in the chaotic lives of their parents need to learn how to extract themselves. Central to their recovery is their breaking out of the dysfunctional patterns of the family system while at the same time trying to respond “normally” to their parents. One of the great benefits of dealing with the bad features of one’s childhood family life is that once the hard work of healing has been accomplished, many are able to establish new, warm, wholesome relationships with parents, brothers, and sisters. For those whose parents are still problem drinkers, they can learn new ways to deal with alcoholics: that love does not demand they solve their parents’ problems and that efforts to rescue the alcoholic only perpetuate the problem.

Most of all, ACOAS need what the church represents: trust in God for wholeness. Almost all treatment programs for addicts and family members stress reliance on a higher power as the major step in recovery. Letting go and letting God means for ACOAS that they not only surrender to God’s power, but also to his plan. This includes accepting themselves, with their limitations, their struggles, and their background. It means they must stop trying to overcome their shame with futile efforts to prove themselves.

In her study, Sandra Wilson found that it is difficult for ACOAS to believe in God’s promises. They tend to transfer to God the mistrust generated in them by the inconsistent parenting of the alcoholic. While understanding that God is not like human parents is part of the solution, it is not always enough, because the problem is not only cognitive but also emotional.

One man, Paul, explains what made the difference for him: “Even though I became a Christian years ago and knew that I was saved, I still based my relationship to God on how well I measured up. At this point I am secure in feeling that God accepts me. This has come through a continual process of understanding and accepting myself in the context of feeling the acceptance of others. God has mediated his acceptance through the unconditional care and concern of other Christians.”

It turns out that what ACOAS most need is what churches have most to offer: love. For this reason, churches should take a prominent role in this briskly expanding movement.

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