"No, I can't mentor you."
That was the blunt answer I gave to a wide-eyed young woman four years ago. She came up to me at church with a plan that included meeting at Starbucks every Monday morning.
I added "sorry," but it didn't help. Her expression caved. She wanted, needed, longed for attention. Lots of it.
I've been to mentoring workshops. I've taken on and taken in many young women over the years. I've followed the steps in articles I've read on mentoring, and here's my conclusion: I am a terrible mentor.
After serving alongside my husband for 25 years in youth ministry and then as a lay leader for the last decade, I've come to understand my strengths and weaknesses quite well. Spending hours listening to people's problems is not my gift. I'm kind of afraid of needy, self-absorbed women. I've been hurt by such women before. I've been drained to the last drop and then asked to give more.
Surely I would disappoint this young woman because I wouldn't be able to show up every week. I wouldn't have three hours to linger over coffee the way she could since she only worked part time and lived at home. It wasn't in my heart to try to fulfill her expectations for a mentor/mother/counselor.
Better to say no on the front end, I thought. Avoid the messy stuff.
So why did my "no" bother me so much?
My blunt "no" bristled up against my core belief that we're called to hospitality in all its various forms. As an "older woman," I agree with Paul's admonition in Titus 2:3-5 that I am "to teach what is good, and so train the young women." But I didn't want to. As an "older woman" ...1
Already a CT subscriber? Log in for full digital access.
Subscribe to Christianity Today and get access to this article plus 65+ years of archives.
- Home delivery of CT magazine
- Complete access to articles on ChristianityToday.com
- Over 120 years of magazine archives plus full access to all of CT’s online archives
- Learn more